How to Dethrone Your Inner Control Freak the Easy Way

I’ve got a thing with control. 

I like to paint it as a virtue because self-control sounds less harsh. Like less of a problem.

But it actually isn’t. 

A self-directed control freak seeks to keep an iron rein on everything internal. She elevates being even-keeled to an unhealthy level, as if nothing worse could ever happen than being caught off guard, not ready for the day, or visibly upset.

Oh, she might feel all kinds of overlooked, insecure, and emotional inside. But she WILL NOT let it show. She may do this unaware, because after years of faithful practice, the ways you grow guarded become ingrained. 

This type of control freak is liable to self-label as a perfectionist and be targeted by unforgiving self-talk. She sets impossibly high standards for herself and withholds grace when she can’t measure up. The possibility of letting anyone down instantly ties her stomach in a constrictor hitch–the hardest knot to untie.

The Thieving Trio

Maybe your inner control freak is obvious to you. It took me a good chunk of my life to see it, however. 

Several years back, I picked up the book It’s All Under Control, not convinced I needed it. I wouldn’t peg myself as overly controlling of other people or my environment. Most of the time, I’m flexible to a fault and rarely voice my preference.

But I was only on page two when I hit a paragraph that made me feel both seen and exposed: 

Mostly, I wanted to control myself. If ever I had high expectations of anyone, it was of me. I wanted to present the self-assured, together version of my whole being.

– Jennifer Dukes Lee

Turns out a self-strict perfectionist is still a control freak. As Jennifer explains, we seek to control one (or any combination of) our external circumstances, the people close to us, or ourselves. 

Your need to feel in control might come out in different ways than mine. Perhaps you vocalize more than internalize. Perhaps you extend your controlling efforts externally rather than internally. But it’s the same thieving trio–fear, pride, and shame–eroding your peace, dimming your light, and keeping you in a rut.

Fear fuels your inner control freak. It keeps your mind in overdrive, constantly anticipating the fallout of a loss of control. It convinces you that what you don’t know will hurt you, what you don’t hold onto will leave you, and what you let others see will embarrass you.

Pride is sly. It high-fives your self-control, justifies your mothering, and insists you’re showing good leadership. 

Shame sidelines you. It demotes you from being a redeemed, wholly loved daughter of God to one who feels worn out and unworthy. 

Together, these three will convince you that you’re more trustworthy than anyone else–including God. They’ll distract you from seeing the spiral into self-focus–and the cost to your faith and your relationships.

Dethroning Your Inner Control Freak

The easy way to dethrone your inner control freak also involves a threesome.

1. You. 
2. God. 
3. Another person.

Let’s break it down.

An essential ingredient is self-honesty. We stay in a rut unless we get ruthlessly truthful about what we fear, who we trust, and how we see ourselves.

And yet, on our own, we don’t see ourselves rightly. We need God’s help to discern where fear, pride, or shame has taken root. Simultaneously, we need His light to illuminate what His grace makes true of us:

We are forgiven.

We are free.

We are being formed in His image.

We are fortified with unlimited wisdom,

and safe within a fortress of God’s protecting presence.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to forget all this when I’m consumed with control. I see what’s wrong more than Who always has impeccably right timing. What I’m not more than Who He is.

But when I take a long look at Jesus, His holiness quiets the control freak inside me. Peace replaces the fear. Trust grows where pride is exposed. Healing and humility counteract the shame.

All this is possible for you too.

But let’s tell it straight. You and I benefit immensely from another person in the mix. Accountability dethrones our inner control freak because we get more serious about our healing when someone else knows our struggle.

Embracing Openness

Truth is, all this boils down to one word: openness. 

We open ourselves up in front of the mirror and before God, getting ridiculously honest. And we open up to others, shearing back the facades and guardedness and ingenuineness that paint us in a better light. 

What happens when we stop hiding is that fear, pride, and shame have nowhere to live. As Paul writes in Ephesians 5:13,

When the light shines, it exposes even the dark and shadowy things and turns them into pure reflections of light.

– The Voice

Openness takes your inner turmoil and transforms it into a space where God can shine through you. Addressing your issues with control is not just for your own peace and well-being. It has a higher purpose—removing what doesn’t reflect Christ so others can see Him in you.

Lean in gently but deliberately. As you practice self-honesty, choose to take one more step into openness. Journaling is a research-backed tool to foster this depth of self-reflection. Try a guided journal, like Stuff I’d Only Tell God, if prompts are helpful.

Take the same grace-filled pace as you practice honesty with God. Baby steps into openness can shift the trajectory of your faith and, consequently, your life.

Likewise, as you open up to an accountability friend, neighbor, or family member, you have permission to take baby steps. Let trust grow at its natural pace, but don’t give up. These deep friendships that chisel you and point you repeatedly back to God are worth the time they take to mature.

Let’s close in prayer together. Would you pray this with me?

Lord, You love us just as much when we’re fighting for control as when we trust that You’re in control. But our grasping for the reins produces unnecessary angst within us. Help us to be honest with ourselves and with You. Show us what we need to see. Help us lean into openness and accountability so we can be free from our inner control freak.

In Your name, Jesus, we pray. Amen.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

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What if you gave your faith the chance to ripple right into your neighborhood? These quick tips provide a wide variety of baby steps to help you begin to build friendships with your neighbors. When we get close to God and let others get close to us, the things God is working out in us can show.

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