How to Overcome the Guilt That Silences Your Prayers
The heft of the Nikon DSLR surprised me as I lifted it out of its case. Weighing heavily in my hands, I felt unworthy to hold this piece of my dad. He’d spent so much of his life behind this camera, capturing the joy of celebrations, the peace of a still moment, and the simple beauty caught amidst a mundane life. But it wasn’t the weight of good memories that I beheld. No. The heaviness of that camera was nothing compared to the burden I carried in my soul.
The Uninvited Guest of Guilt
Death is no stranger to me. Having lost my mom and older brother earlier in my life, grief became a familiar acquaintance of mine. So when my dad passed two years ago, I invited grief back into the forefront of my life. Expecting sadness, emptiness, and hurt, I was quite taken aback when an uninvited guest crashed the party. Guilt barged through the door, eager to accuse, eager to engulf me with shame and disappointment.
Guilt reminded me I was not with my dad in his final days. Guilt reminded me of the countless opportunities I had to visit and spend time with him. Guilt reprimanded me for the times I put my dad aside, thinking I’d go later, and now it’s too late. Guilt reminded me of how horrible a daughter that made me. Uncaring. Unloving. Selfish.
The words hammered my already fragile heart day after day after day, until all I saw in the mirror was the woman who wasn’t worthy of love. The woman who was unworthy of grace. The woman who disappointed her dad, her family, her God. Shame spiraled in, and my prayers were silenced. How could God forgive, or even love someone like me?
Unable to deal, I closed the door on it all–grief, guilt, shame. I built a wall over that door of my soul, not wanting any of it to escape into my actual life. With each “I’m doing okay,” I laid another brick down. With each smile plastered on my face, I added another. With each unsaid prayer, yet another. Try as I might, guilt still whispered accusations and lies through the door, and slowly those words began to weave around God’s truth. It wasn’t long until that crushing weight I had built would bring me to my knees.
A Welcome Whisper
One morning, as the long winter neared its end, I walked through the cool of my garden and noticed new sprouts emerging from the once-barren and snow-covered earth. And as I stopped to witness this tiny miracle of life, something in my heart stirred as I gazed in awe and in gratitude of God’s goodness.
At that moment, I felt the gentleness of a different whisper. Come and see, there is still life after winter. There is still life after death. And with that slight tug of the Spirit, I felt the bricks slip from that wall built in my soul. Falling to the dirt, I found myself releasing the prayer guilt had silenced months ago.
Partnered again with grief, the tears burst from that room of my soul. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for grace, and the strength to forgive myself. I prayed that I could still be a good daughter to both my earthly dad and my heavenly Father. I prayed for the peace that could only come from my Savior. I prayed for the healing of my heart, and I surrendered the burden of guilt at the feet of His grace.
And as the words poured from my breath, the Lord gently reminded me of the memory verse He’d given me at the start of the year:
Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
– 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV
If you’ve ever experienced any sort of loss, you know that this verse is one of the hardest to hear—let alone cling to—during a time of sorrow, hurt, regret, and maybe even anger and guilt. And as I recited it that day, I wrestled with God.
“Rejoice? How could I possibly think of rejoicing? Pray? Okay, maybe I need to pray more because this release was actually nice. Give thanks? How can I give thanks? For my dad dying?” The tears welled in my eyes, and my fists clenched in frustration. “How in the world can I do this, Lord?”
Breathe.
And then, as I calmed my stubborn, immature self down, I humbly rested my soul at the feet of Jesus, and softly whispered, “Thank you for being here.”
Replacing Guilt with Gratitude
Opening my tear-stained eyes, I became suddenly aware of the life popping up all around the garden: The reemergence of color. The warmth of the sun peeking out from the clouds overhead. The song of the house finches back home from hundreds of miles away. I hadn’t really noticed it too much before, but now, I could see God’s miracles all around me, from the majesty of the snow-capped mountains to the delicate intricacies of a newly unfurled leaf.
There is still life after winter. There is still life after death.
And as I prayed in silent thanksgiving for these miracles before me, I felt the weight shift in my heart from a burden of guilt to an abundance of gratitude.
…give thanks in everything….
I am grateful for seeing my dad the week before he passed.
I am grateful for having this piece of him to remember and honor him.
I am grateful for all the times I was present with him.
I am grateful for my Heavenly Father reminding me to pray.
I am grateful for the joy I am feeling through this practice of gratitude.
I wipe the dust from the Nikon DSLR on the top of my bookshelf, and glance at the photo of my dad beside it. My heart still aches. My soul still grieves. And at times, I hear the whisper of guilt on the wind. But it’s gratitude that pulls me back up and shines a light through the dark places. It’s gratitude that makes my soul sing again. And it’s in gratitude that I choose to live this life after death.
Meet Jennifer Tanaka
Jennifer Tanaka, wife and mom of three nearly full-grown kids, was born and raised in Honolulu, Hawaii. She recently moved to Colorado Springs where she loves hiking and exploring the outdoors, as well as cuddling up in her favorite chair with a good book. Jennifer loves discovering God’s hidden miracles found in everyday life and sharing them through writing and photography. You can find more of her writing and get her free devotional, Small Steps Towards Jesus, at jenniferltanaka.com as well as on Instagram, Facebook, and Substack @jenniferltanaka.
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
