How to Grow Deeper Friendships

Do you have a friend, the soul-quenching, real kind? Or do you feel the longing, but are hesitant to linger long enough for the friendship to flourish? Perhaps you feel like you are on the outside looking in, always. Or maybe you want to push through the uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability but you just don’t exactly know how to. If missional living in our neighborhood means that we are slowly developing deeper friendships, let’s talk about how we practically get there.

I am by all means still learning how to open up and truly let the people around me in, but I’ve made progress, and I’d love to share some insight I’ve gleaned to make your own journey a little easier. Here are my top ten tips for growing deeper friendships:

1) Share stories that paint an honest, not curated, picture of yourself.

It’s natural to want to protect our image, to control the way those around us see us. Vulnerability is risky. Honesty with others is hard when we are struggling even to be honest with ourselves. And yet, as I wrote previously, fear shuts others out, but it also shuts me in.

Deep friendships necessitate that we make ourselves known. Listen well, and ask questions to draw out your friend’s story, but don’t hold yourself at arm’s distance. Share stories that show who you really are, not just the version of you that is safe or likable or impressive. Your authenticity sets the precedent for the depth of the friendship, and brave inspires brave. You simply being your true self will empower your new friend to also be real.

2) Laughing at yourself builds friendship.

If you can be a little uptight like me, a lesson I learned from Alexandra Kuykendall’s book, Loving My Actual Neighbor, has been really helpful. “Lighten Up,” one of her chapters is titled. “Self-deprecating humor takes away the most potential to offend. It lets the other person know that our desire to laugh with them is more important than our pride,” she writes. Sometimes I need my kids to comment when they think I’m being too serious. If you can relate, try sharing something about yourself you can laugh at as you grow deeper friendships with your neighbors.

3) Ask questions that cause you to lean into their story.

What do you want to know more about? Don’t leave your questions unasked. Your new friend apologizes for her sleep-deprived jumble of words, and you have an opportunity to show genuine interest in what is making it so hard for her to get good sleep. Don’t rapid-fire your questions, but asking open-ended questions will make it so much easier to really get to know your friend.

As you ask, be mindless of what you are communicating with your non-verbals. Are you asking for more details but appear distracted or disinterested? Let your asking flow from genuine interest and a desire to truly get to know the unique and incredible person God created your neighbor to be.

4) Answer the door as you are.

Showing up with the real you means that sometimes the knock on the door will come at a time you don’t have make-up on, your hair is unwashed, or your house is in disarray. In this moment you can retreat or embrace the opportunity to show up, even when you don’t feel at your best.  Being available is a gift; it elevates your visitor over your ability to control others’ impression of you, and it speaks volumes. Show up with the real you, as you are.

5) Share meals with your neighbors.

As Covid-restrictions lift and we can more freely return to our rhythm of sharing meals with neighbors and friends, I remember again how including neighbors in what we are already doing is a by-product doing life together. I encourage you to not overcomplicate meal sharing.

Make something simple that your family would normally eat, or even share the burden with the neighbor or neighbor family you have invited to join you at meal time. Ordering pizza or takeout, or grilling burgers or hotdogs are more options. If you prefer to stay outside, simply ask your neighbors to bring lawn chairs with them if you don’t have enough. Sharing meals is one of the best ways to take your friendships with your neighbors to a new level.

6) Stop apologizing and simply be present.

As Rachel Hollis wrote in her book Girl, Stop Apologizing, “It’s time to stop apologizing for who you are. It’s time to become who you were made to be.” We can’t be present in conversation when we dismiss ourselves constantly in our own thoughts. Over-apologizing can also come across as artificial.

I’m instead trying to be mindful of how often I apologize for little things and focus more on listening well—thinking less often of myself and more often of who I am talking to. I’m learning, too, that my confidence comes from God alone, not in what others think of me. Jeremiah 17:17 reminds me that “ . . . blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him” (NIV).

7) Welcome interruptions.

Interruptions may appear to assault our productivity, but life is far more rewarding when we prioritize relationships over to-do lists. Interruptions are often opportunities to connect, share life, and disciple organically. I am imperfectly interruptible, but it’s a rhythm I am working towards. Some of the most soulful conversations have happened when I have set aside what I was working on to answer the invitation to engage.

8) The best remedy for inferiority is time spent in God’s presence.

As a child I was painfully shy and very insecure. While part of it was personality, I am learning that I was made for community even if I don’t have a dynamic, extroverted personality. The number one remedy for feeling small is spending time with the One who makes small things grow. His presence saturates and heals.

When I draw close, I can hear Him tell me who I am and the way He thinks about me all the time, but when I try to answer those questions by myself, I come up empty. It’s a slow process of peeling back the layers of false identity beliefs, but there is no substitute to spending time in God’s presence.

9) Lose the pride and ask for help.

Pride can slide in quiet, unannounced. I’m learning to recognize some of the subtle ways pride influences what I say or don’t say. I find pride in my reservation to ask for help, and that something as small as asking a neighbor if I could borrow nail polish remover helps me embrace humility and connection. Humility is a key ingredient in growing deeper friendships, and doing life-on-life stuff with my neighbors is a goal of missional living.

10) Start small, and don’t give up.

This last tip is the umbrella over all the others because in all things I want vision to propel me forward, but it’s the baby steps that actually get me there. Friendships often don’t go from seed to full bloom overnight, so be patient—with others and with yourself. Growing deeper friendships is not a race, but a pathway to richer, more meaningful community in your neighborhood.

As we wrap up for today, I’d love to pray a blessing over you and your neighbors.

May God’s presence fill your heart, your home, and your neighborhood. May He guide you every step of the way as you seek to grow deeper friendships with your neighbors. May you see the value God sees in each of your neighbors, and may you learn to live with your heart, eyes, and ears wide open.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

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Want more? Join Caesar Kalinowski and I for a deep dive into these ten tips!

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