It was an ordinary Tuesday in July. I met a friend for lunch at the Blue Moon, a popular spot in town. Just before opening the front door, I took a deep breath and forced a smile, pretending everything was fine. In reality, my life was falling apart, but I kept the mask firmly in place. Inside, I found my friend, and we ordered at the counter. Finding a table, we sat down, settling into a familiar, light conversation.

Midway through our lunch, two strangers in business suits approached our table. The man locked eyes with me and asked, “Are you Ashley?” When I answered yes, he handed me an envelope and said, “You have been served.” Without another word, they turned and walked away. 

Divorce papers. It was not a surprise, merely a harsh consequence of years spent in a failing marriage and my desperate search for something to fill the void. Rather than confront the pain, I chased relief in an affair. I had made no effort to hide it, had been caught before, and promised to stop, but I did not. Five months earlier, alcohol had stopped numbing the ache. I needed something more substantial to fill the God-shaped hole in my soul, and my choices only deepened the emptiness.

As I sat at that table, holding the envelope in my hand, shame and sorrow washed over me. I had hit rock bottom. In that brokenness, God met me. That night, I cried out, “What’s wrong with me?” Hours later, He whispered one word: “Alcohol.” 

That moment marked the beginning of a new life. I have not had a drink since. That was twelve years ago. God used the lowest point of my life to start healing what I thought was beyond repair. What once felt like the end became the moment God began to author a new story—one of grace, redemption, and restoration.

My First Buzz

In eighth grade, my emotions were huge, and I did not know what to do with them. Anger over family financial hardship, and the hard-to-accept changes that ensued, welled up in me. I no longer felt comfortable in church . . . or in my own skin. Instead of crying out to God, I buried my feelings. Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, and Wednesday nights, I was present and absent in the same breath. My resentment grew. Then, I entered high school.

At school, my friends talked about weekend parties. I wanted to join them. So, I did. In ninth grade, you must plan your escape. First, I had to find an accomplice. Second, you need a driver. Third step, alcohol. 

Mandy was the perfect partner for our plan. She had just moved to town and was eager to meet new people. A bold and lively firecracker from Louisiana, she was always up for a bit of adventure. The plan was simple: we would tell our parents we were watching a movie at Brent’s house, even though Brent was actually hosting a field party just down the road. We claimed we had a ride there and back and promised to be safe. After curfew, we would return to Mandy’s house and pretend that nothing had happened.

To pull it off, we enlisted the help of someone’s older sister to drive us and her boyfriend to buy the alcohol. It was not exactly foolproof; our story had more holes than we realized. By 9 p.m., Mandy’s mom had already started to piece things together. By 10 p.m., both of our moms were pulling up to the dirt road party, headlights blazing, ready to haul us home. The night did not go as planned, but it was one we would never forget.

I got my first buzz that night. My belly got warm, and my thoughts got a little fuzzy. The burdens and anger I carried slipped away for a little while. I fell in love with alcohol that night. It became my obsession for the next nineteen years. 

I got in trouble, but the reward outweighed the consequences. The next four years were full of bad decisions and regrets. I left high school with a low GPA and no solid plan. But God never gave up on me, and for that I am grateful.  I heard His whispers and saw His grace as He saved me repeatedly. 

For the One Falling Apart

Have you ever been lost? Maybe, like me, you’ve been the lost sheep Jesus left the ninety-nine to rescue (Luke 15:4-7). 

You might feel guilty for admitting you are lost in this season of your life. God has blessed you with so much, but in the hecticness, you cannot hear His voice. You are not alone. 

You may have a booming career, but at events, you feel alone in a room full of people. You no longer feel connected to your Creator. You see His good hand in your life, but loneliness has seeped into your soul. It is time to reawaken your spirit! 

You are worthy. You are chosen. You are sought after. Someday–soon, I pray–you will know your worth. 

Dear friend, you were created with intention. Choosing a lens of gratitude will help you see how God has woven into your life a unique combination of gifts, experiences, and purpose. Walk the path He has laid before you with humility and trust. No matter what your season of life, continue growing—spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Keep turning to God, allowing His presence to shape your steps. His plans often unfold slowly, but they are always rooted in His goodness and far exceed our limited expectations. 

Do not let the repetition of daily life dull your awareness of His nearness. Invite Him into the ordinary moments and seek Him with consistency. When fear or doubt begins to surface, draw near to Him. He has not moved. In the stillness, God is always ready to guide you forward with grace. He will conquer your daily challenges, not you. ***

*** This excerpt is adapted from the introduction to Ashley’s book, Lost No More: A Daily Path to God in the Midst of Your Deepest Valleys.

Meet Ashley Martin

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.