What Happens When Genuine Gratitude Disrupts The Pity Party
Reading the caller ID, I briefly consider ignoring the incoming call. My thoughts run wild. If I don’t talk to the doctor’s secretary, I can pretend, for just a little while longer, that I don’t need spinal surgery . . . right?
It’s been a few months since my orthopedist said I have severe degenerative disc disease along with a “significant amount of arthritis.” Since then, I have wrestled with grief, denial, discouragement, and dread. I’m in extreme pain, so there’s already that, but in the words of my doctor, “It’s going to get worse, and there’s no way to know how fast.”
We’ve tried everything we can. Nothing has even remotely helped, and now my medical team agrees that surgery is probably my best option. It’s not definite, but I have a million questions.
Disrupting the Pity Party
One thing I wonder is whether I am justified in feeling sorry for myself. After all, doctors say that this has progressed much too fast and is already much too severe for someone my age. No one wants to hear that. No one wants to spend very long at a pity party, either, so I’m seeking the antidote to self-pity. The answer, I’m finding, is gratitude.
I have so much to be grateful for, even in this. My husband and daughter will do anything to help me. Working from home as a writer allows me to rest when the pain becomes too great to ignore. I have friends who see practical needs and have supper delivered to our house without asking, and I have the means to see my litany of caring and capable doctors. I count my cat among my blessings, too, as she cuddles with me when I’m flat on my back with ice packs.
Seeing all of that, I’m learning that gratitude is the natural by-product of a keen awareness of God’s grace in everything, big and small, from eternal salvation to compassionate kitties. Unmerited favor follows us every moment of every day. This does not mean there will not be suffering; what it does mean is that in everything, we will be cared for by our loving Father.
Promises Accompany the Pain
I am certain of this, because alongside the extreme pain are eternal promises. I don’t know yet what kind of surgery will be necessary, but I do know God will be with me in the operating room. I don’t know how much pain (and pain relief) to expect, but God will give me the strength I need. I don’t know how long my recovery will be, but I do know God has gone before me.
While those things remain to be seen, remembrance of His faithfulness in the past has held me up in my weakest, most wallowing moments. I remember and am grateful all over again for how He carried me through deep depression and debilitating anxiety. Losing my grandpa and grandmother. My mom’s stroke and eventual passing. My husband’s battle with cancer…and cancer again…and hospitalization with COVID. In those and countless other situations, He was there.
And He is here now, working in my situation and in me. For months I have seen this ordeal chip away at my pride. Between pain and a limited range of motion, I have had no choice but to accept help with even the most basic tasks. It’s a good thing, though. Pride and self-sufficiency do nothing to help me heal or manage my symptoms. What will help is relying on others, and what will ultimately help most is full reliance on God. He is humbling me; while it is painful in a completely different way, I know that is for my good.
With all of this in mind, I take a deep breath and answer the phone. Though the idea of surgery still terrifies me, I am certain it will be okay. God finishes what He starts, so if it’s not good yet, He’s just not done. So, while writing a date on the calendar, I’m grateful again for His promises. I’m grateful for the process. I have faith that one day I’ll even be grateful for the pain. I’m not there yet, but by His grace I will be.
Meet Jessica Bolyard
Jessica Bolyard is passionate about writing and speaking with transparency about God’s loving pursuit of His daughters in everyday moments. Her favorite phrase is, “You’re not the only one.”
Through her words, in whatever form they come, Jessica hopes to lead women toward the heart of God and through Him, to a greater understanding of their place in His story. In all she does, her prayer is that she would be invisible and silent so that God can be seen and heard.
Jessica has self-published three books. Her most recent, A Traveler’s Notes: Reflections from a Journey of Faith, describes some of her everyday encounters with the Lord and helps the reader learn to recognize such encounters in their own lives. Her current project addresses the pain of waiting with uncertainty and chronicles her experiences as caregiver.
She also shares brief devotions on her podcast, The disEntangled Podcast, found on all major platforms.
Jessica is married to her best friend, is raising the coolest kid she’s ever met, and right now, is most likely seeking an iced coffee. She lives in Georgia but can be found online at JessicaBolyard.com.
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
