I opened the cabinet to get the sugar where it had been kept for the past three decades and the cabinet was empty. I tried another and it was empty too. And another, also empty. The ground beneath me literally felt like it was moving. Everything had changed too fast. It all felt completely out of my control.

We were cleaning out my childhood home, getting it ready to sell, and letting go of the only house I grew up in felt like giving up the very last thing that felt familiar. It wasn’t just a storm that came through my life, it felt like hurricane after hurricane.

When the Unthinkable Actually Happens

In 2018, I found myself in a place I never thought I would. Alcohol was wreaking havoc on my family. Then the unthinkable happened. My husband had a wreck and the driver of the motorcycle was killed . . . a DUI causing death. This left me a single parent and 100 percent responsible for everything for several years.

I thought the storm had passed and then 2020 happened—and I do not mean the pandemic. My dad got sick on March 13, 2020, and passed away on March 14. We had to take my mom from the funeral to the assisted living facility. Because of the pandemic shutting things down, we could not visit. We arranged 24-hour care for her and brought her home on April 14th. Signed her up for hospice on June 12th and on July 22, 2020, she passed away.

After that we sold my only childhood home, my divorce was finalized, and we also sold the house my kids grew up in. Then on July 23, 2021, exactly one day after the first anniversary of my mom’s passing, I did the most terrifying thing I have ever done: My kids and I moved 22 hours across the country where I felt led to move. Every single part of my life changed and was unfamiliar.

How Do You Find Gratitude in That?

You may be thinking, how do you find gratitude in any of that? Sometimes when it looks like everything is falling apart, that is when God is putting you back together. Jesus talks about the parable of the lost sheep and leaving the 99 to find the one.  I was the one. He didn’t just put me back together, He came and found me even though I didn’t even realize how lost I was.

Prior to the accident, I had an undeniable feeling of being pulled in a different direction, and this prompted my health journey. People were put in my life at just the right time, telling me things like you have to change you, life is happening for you not to you, look for the good. I suddenly had an urge to listen to Christian music on the radio, and an overwhelming feeling of needing to find a church I liked to attend regularly.

Because of these things showing up in my life, I had a completely different experience than I would have otherwise. I looked for things to be grateful for, looked for evidence of God being there, and found Him everywhere.

I could even say that I am grateful for the role alcohol and addiction have played in our lives. In cleaning up the aftermath I experienced healing and the process of forgiveness. I went from being full of anger and bitterness to seeing the brokenness under everything. I also found the brokenness inside myself, not just my ex. I forgave him but also had to learn to forgive myself. I started loving myself and living life differently.  

Impossible conversations with my kids about the wreck led to me talking to them about things I should have all along. These conversations strengthened our relationship and led to me getting to baptize my own daughter. I get to teach my kids things now that I wish I had known 20 years earlier.

Losing both of my parents helped me see what matters most in life. I also learned the importance of taking care of the most important things.

The Secret to Peace That Transcends All Understanding

I now know what it feels like to let God carry you when I had to do things I couldn’t possibly have done on my own. I saw what the love of Christ truly looks like in my mom’s caregivers. Witnessed my dad’s face looking straight into heaven and him telling us he saw three beautiful girls, knowing he had buried a wife and two daughters in the past. I have things with purpose I want to do now.

Philippians 4:7 talks about a peace that transcends all understanding. I always wondered what that really meant and how to find it. Now I can tell you it is a real thing because I have experienced it. Philippians 4:8 gives away the secret:  

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

NIV

Gratitude and what we think about is the way to peace that surpasses all understanding. Gratitude is what changes everything even when nothing in your circumstances changes.

Gratitude is also a choice we get to make every day. We can look for it or not. Have I always gotten it right? No. Some days it is an easy choice. Other days you have to make the choice over and over. There are days you forget and miss gratitude altogether and that’s ok because it’s available to you again at any point you choose. 

I can see how everything happened as it was supposed to. God led me at every point. Came and not only saved me but taught me how to truly LIVE.  Like the very last line of one of my favorite songs (“The Woman at the Well”) says, “I’m the broken-hearted woman / Who met the Savior of the world.” Have you met the Savior of the world? I have and will be forever grateful.

Meet Kelly Cazzell

Where to find her . . .

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.