How to Make a “There You Are” Mindset Your Default

“There he is!” she said as my son hopped out of the car in front of the school. I could hear the genuineness in her voice through my window as I watched a staff member pull him into a hug right there in the car line.

I drove away teary over this unsolicited example of a “there you are” mindset.

Perhaps you’ve heard the term. 

“There you are” is attention focused outwards. It’s a welcome anomaly in a world where we’re overly consumed with ourselves. An others-focused mentality in a sea of “here I am.” A moment of intentionality overriding our default preoccupation.

It stops you because it’s so rare. Tells you, even without words, that you matter. 

“There you are” might be brightness of the eyes. A held gaze. Enthusiastic attentiveness. An I-see-you smile.

Where there are words, it’s evident in voice inflection. There’s undeniable delight. Bubbling-up joy. Unmasked gratitude.

It feels like, “I’ve been expecting you” and “you made my day by being here”–warming words of welcome.

Identifying Your Automatic Response

When was the last time you were a recipient of “there you are” attention?

When is the last time you adopted this others-focused mindset yourself?

I find this second question convicting because sometimes I have my attention so centered on work that I fail to see the people in front of me. Under stress, I fixate on what I need to finish. And I can miss moments where a brief “there you are” can be monumental for someone else.

Maybe you’re the same way.

You have the best of intentions. You deeply value the people around you. But your default response isn’t “there you are.”

How can you and I become more mindful of where our attention lies when we walk into a room? When someone else enters our space? When we step through our front door? When we drive our kids to school?

What I’m learning is that a “there you are” mindset doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a byproduct of lots of little choices to stop and truly see the people in front of us. Over time and through practice, we can more quickly notice our own “here I am” attitudes and shift our attention to others.

Let’s begin with some baby steps, shall we? Because I understand how overwhelming it is to see the discrepancy between where you are and where you wish you were. It’s hard to get started without a step that feels gentle and doable.

10 Baby-Step Ways to Develop a Default of “There You Are”

1. Find one person to make eye contact with as you enter a room.

2. Smile at someone you pass on the sidewalk.

3. Spend a few minutes a day in your front yard. Nod or wave to cars passing your house.

4. Pick a neighbor and take a moment each morning to pray for her.

5. Learn a neighbor’s first name.

6. Keep your head up when you walk to the mailbox.

7. Wait to close the garage door until you’re finished carrying in your things.

8. Schedule in a small block of “interruptible time” on your weekly calendar.

9. Start a running list of need-to-remembers on your phone so you don’t have to keep everything in your head.

10. Say a hearty, “Hey, neighbor!” when you see someone from your neighborhood–whether you are in the “hood” or elsewhere.

Need more ideas? I sent a short, tip-of-the-week email with ideas for noticing your neighbors and nurturing missional friendships. Sign up below!

A Handful of Seconds

As I replay the interaction between my son and a school staff member, I’m struck by the brevity. Too often, I think I don’t have time to pause what I’m working on, but the truth is that noticing the presence of another takes but a few seconds. Yet the impact of my attention–or inattention–is significant.

What might change in our own hearts and in our neighborhoods if we took Paul’s encouragement in 1 Corinthians 10:24 to heart? 

We should stop looking out for our own interests and instead focus on the people living and breathing around us.

(The Voice)

Maybe a small act of noticing would help someone else see the value of their own life.

Maybe we could lend courage through a smile to get through a challenging season.

Maybe eye contact can ease a bit of the loneliness.

Maybe a hello can halt an onslaught of negative self-talk.

Maybe a human hug can feel like a God-hug.

An Others-Focused Blessing

Take a moment to let your imagination add to the list. And if you’re willing to share in the comments, I’d love to hear where you land.

Before you go, here’s a blessing to take with you as you lean into a “there you are” mindset.

May you encounter examples of a “there you are” mentality, God-timed moments that make you feel seen.

May you grasp the gravity of God’s love for you.

May gratitude turn your gaze towards others in front of you, each as dearly loved and highly valued as you.

May the seeds you sow in the small moments of noticing other people make a God-sized difference.

In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen and amen. 

Just a friend over here in your corner,

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