How to Grow Friendships with Neighbors Who See the World Differently Than You

Jeanette worries that her lack of good inside will be seen if she slows down enough to connect relationally. She tries to prove her value to herself by never missing a thing—but being right and doing her best work doesn’t touch the lonely ache inside. She wants to stop pretending she is always on top of it all, especially to her closest friends, but she doesn’t know where to begin.

Abigail has always been described as a people person and is the first to help and the last to go home. But sometimes she feels lonely and unseen even in a room of people. Her need to be needed hinders her ability to seen just as she is, instead of as what she can offer.

Lenae has a magnetic smile. Others admire the ease with which she navigates the many tasks she takes on. She is well-dressed, business-savvy, and likeable, but most will never know the sadness she feels when she slows enough to face the mirror. Hers is a life of pretending and wearing masks, and she fears what she wants most: to be known for who she truly is beneath it all.

Kirsten is a born creative. She sees the world as full of color and possibility, and she rides the highs of life as long as she can. But she never feels she quite fits into the world she sees, and the highs inevitably come crashing to devasting lows. In her darkest moments, she battles self-worth and keeps others at a distance so they can’t see the smallness of the girl floundering inside.

Charlene is capable and self-sufficient. She tries to convince herself she doesn’t need others, but there is a nagging emptiness she can’t fully ignore. Letting others in feels like it will require more of her than she is able to give, so keeps her head high and her walls even higher. But she wonders at times what she is missing by keeping herself hidden.

Rachael will always be there for her friends, but they haven’t always returned the favor, and fearing the worst, she keeps a piece of herself guarded. She is the foundation of community for others, but doesn’t see how integral she is, and cannot fully enjoy the community she creates.

Jillian has an insatiable desire for adventure and is often rallying others to join her. She is surrounded by friends and others see her as the life of the party. But many of her friendships feel shallow because she knows deep down her optimism is not always authentic—that she is not always authentic.

Meghan is an all-in kind of girl. She goes hard after her goals, setting the bar higher every time. She’s competitive at her core, but it’s herself that she most wants to beat. Many look to her as a leader, problem-solver, and justice advocate. Yet under her fierce tenacity is a tender heart that finds it hard to trust other people.

Savannah is a great listener, and she remembers the details of everyone else’s story. Her superpower is seeing multiple sides to every story, but she often overthinks her words and says nothing. She often feels like she’s on autopilot, nodding and agreeing, but not living her own story.

Are you a Kristen, a Charlene, a Jeanette? Have you longed for deep friendship yet find that you often sabotage your own efforts to connect on this level? Are you quicker to push people away than let down your guard, your walls, your insecurity and inauthenticity, over-thinking and second-guessing?

We see the world through a distinct lens, as do each of the people around us. Take the neighbor across the street and the one around that little bend. She approaches friendship differently than you do. She’s hung up on different things than the ones that trip you up.

How can we lean hard into friendship building despite our differences? How can we be both neighbor and friend to our right-next-to-us people?

A perspective-shift on friendship

Funny thing, how God knows we need to be surrounded by those who wear different lenses than we do. He made us different on purpose.

Perhaps we’ve spent too much time comparing and criticizing our differences rather than seeing the blessing in them. Too much time looking for commonality as if that alone can bind us together. Too much time arguing about the rightness of our own lens.

Truth is that we need each other. All of us do.

Truth is that none of us see the complete picture alone.

We need friends who see at a glance what we tend to miss.

Friends who need us too.

Let’s talk about how curiosity and empathy form camaraderie. How increasing our understanding of what makes us different can unite rather than divide us. How seeing the world through others’ lens makes us better and also makes us better together.

I know you’re wired for community. And I also know that a lot of days it feels easier to keep to yourself. To do your thing in your own space. It feels safer.

But maybe there’s a thought that just won’t go away—a little voice that says you’re missing out by doing life alone.

I don’t claim to be any sort of expert. I’m just a normal person, like you. But I believe that something powerful happens when we take the time to learn our tendencies and how others have a different default.

If you’re already familiar with the Enneagram, you may have realized that each of the women I described represent one of the nine Enneagram types. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, stick with me. The Enneagram is simply a model that helps us understand what motivates us to do the things we do.

On the surface, the Enneagram may sound like a personality test, but I’ve found it to be an incredibly useful tool for cultivating my own spiritual growth, strengthening my marriage and how we parent, and shaping the way I communicate, navigate conflict, be a friend.

I’m inviting you to join me for the next nine weeks as we take a closer look at how each Enneagram type can utilize their strengths and be humbly aware of their weaknesses as they grow friendships in their neighborhood.

The Enneaneighboring 2022 series will NOT

Tell you it’s okay to treat others poorly because that’s just who you are
Teach you to become self-focused
Put you or anyone else in a box
Negate God’s word as the foundation of our faith

It WILL, however,

Invite you to consider how those around you might see things a little differently than you do
Grow your empathy for others (yep, even the ones who annoy you!)
Show you how to be a better neighbor, spouse, parent, daughter, friend
Help you trust the gentle hands of God as He smooths away your rough edges
Springboard you into rhythms of missional living in your neighborhood

Imagine what it could look like if there was a little less being against each other and a whole lot more being for each other. I’m dreaming of neighborhoods coming together like villages. Neighbors knowing each other’s needs and showing up for each other like family. Unlikely friendships forming between those willing to see differences as gifts.

I’m dreaming of you being equipped to love those around you well and join Jesus on His mission in your neighborhood.

Are you ready?

A neighborhood friendship-growing blessing:

May we see each of our neighbors as beautifully complex, priceless reflections of God Himself.

May we grow in empathy as we commit to increasing our understanding of those not like us.

May we remember that there is no reward when we take no risk in getting to know our neighbors.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

P.S. This series will dig deeper into a piece I wrote previously for Relevant Magazine. Check out the article here:

Enneaneighboring: Forming Community in My Neighborhood Out of Different Types of Normal – RELEVANT
Ann Voskamp said it in her book The Way of Abundance, and the words sink deep: “We will never reflect the image of Christ to the world unless we first see the image of God in everyone.”

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