How to Best Reclaim the Ground Self-Pity Has Stolen
Most of the time, when I get stuck in self-pity, my emotions and circumstances are mismatched. In other words, I feel sorry for myself for reasons that aren’t even true. They’re exaggerated. Artificially inflated. Often, they’re triggered by my own sense of unworth that I need to re-surrender to Jesus.
Anyone else a chronic overthinker?
Ruminating on the unspokens between the lines can take you to a place miles away from what anyone meant when they sent the text or didn’t answer right away or spoke from stress or brought their own mismatched reasons for being upset. You know your mind is out of line, but the lies sound convincing within the confines of your own head.
The thing about self-pity is it’s usually quiet. You’re in a battle zone that no one else can see, fighting untruths no one else can hear. No wonder you feel extra alone.
If you’ve ever retreated preemptively, given up prematurely, or assumed defeat presumptively, you may be in a silent wrestle with self-pity.
But perhaps you’ve never called it what it is because you compare yourself to the vocal complainers and self-saboteurs. Some wear self-pity on their sleeves, but if I had to guess, more of us keep it inside most of the time.
We don’t want to expose our irrational worries or the harsh ways we talk about ourselves inside our heads. So we stuff it down and flash a practised smile and wait for the internal angst to subside. Or the sun to shine warm and hopeful, because that always helps.
Meanwhile, our wait-it-out strategy has some serious repercussions. If gratitude can create neural pathways inside our brain, how much more can the negative refrains stemming from self-pity wear roadways, given our propensity to focus on the not-good? According to the Harvard Graduate School of Education, “Negative events and thoughts have a proportionally greater impact on our memory and psychological state than positive ones do.”
This means self-pity is not neutral. All the while we maintain composure and let self-pity subside at its own pace, it’s wreaking havoc on our mental health.
It’s time to go on the offensive and reclaim the ground self-pity has stolen.
Reclaiming Ground Stolen by Self-Pity
Where do we start?
First, call it what it is.
Naming your self-pity breaks you out of the cycle by interrupting your rant. It gives you pause and perspective.
I encourage you to say it out loud, with a pen, or to a friend.
When you call out your self-pity, you’ve got to face it–and this is an important step towards gaining agency. You can’t surrender something you can’t see. Can’t reclaim ground you don’t realize was stolen.
This might mean you need to confess to a trusted friend, family member, or neighbor that you’re falling into self-pity. Knowing that she’s praying for you and might check in anytime helps you get honest with God. She can also help you process out loud, and you’ll see the errors in your assumptions much more easily when you bring them into the light.
Ultimately, the conversation boils down to you and God, however. Not only is God a safe place to bring your unseen struggles, He alone can heal the scars left by self-pity. Lean into honesty through a journaled prayer–or one whispered right into God’s ear.
Second, fill your mind with Scripture.
My pastor recently pointed out how the sword of the Spirit–the word of God–is the only piece of the spiritual armour that is used for offense. As we read Ephesians 6:14-17 together, take note of the pieces of armour used for defense.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
(NIV)
Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation act as protective gear. They buffer us from the battle, build resilience in us, and embolden us to trust God.
A sword doesn’t just stop what’s coming like a shield or a helmet, however. It cuts through lies and exposes our inner thoughts. According to Hebrews 4:12,
God’s Word is living and powerful. It is sharper than a sword that cuts both ways. It cuts straight into where the soul and spirit meet and it divides them. It cuts into the joints and bones. It tells what the heart is thinking about and what it wants to do.
(NLV)
When we fill our minds with scripture, we actively oppose self-pity. Not sure where to start? Pick one from this list to meditate on.
Third, list your triggers.
Your self-pity might be triggered by things that sound petty, or by legitimate trauma. Perhaps it’s a combination of real and imagined, lies and lived experiences.
While listing your triggers doesn’t eliminate them, it does help you notice patterns. Perhaps your self-pity spikes during a communication lull, when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or in tandem with a certain time of the month.
The more awareness you have, the more quickly you can get ahead of self-pity.
Recite truth from Scripture to fight lies before they spiral.
Ask for prayer support as you head into difficult seasons or situations.
Identify how you might be harbouring jealousy, unforgiveness, or pride.
Invite God to heal the tender places in your heart where you’ve barred Him access.
One prayer at a time.
One honest admission.
One brave ask for accountability or prayer coverage.
One lie traded for truth at a time,
you are taking back ground stolen by self-pity.
Could we pray?
Lord, you know the lies that try to live in our heads, the self-pity that eats away at our peace, and the internal wrestles we keep out of sight. Give us the courage to call self-pity what it is, to counter the lies with Scripture, and to see patterns in our reactions. Remind us of our worth, which is never fickle or irreversible. In your name, Jesus. Amen.
Just a friend over here in your corner,
Turn Your Loneliness Into Ripple-Effect Faith in 5 Days (Free)
Finally, a simple but effective approach to relationship building that will grow you closer to both God and your neighbors for
✔️ Introverts
✔️ Lonely Christians
✔️ Overwhelmed moms
✔️ New-to-town families
✔️ Anyone who knows less than five neighbors by name
What if you gave your faith the chance to ripple right into your neighborhood? These quick tips provide a wide variety of baby steps to help you begin to build friendships with your neighbors. When we get close to God and let others get close to us, the things God is working out in us can show.
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