Real vs. Safe: Which Is The Better Option For Deeper Friendships?

Have you ever felt utterly invisible?

Perhaps you’re the one not invited, the one left out, or the one standing in crowd but overlooked, unnoticed.

Or perhaps you’ve been the one ever-ready to help, or listen, or show up first, or rally the others, or home-cook the potluck dish, or take on the volunteer opportunity no one really wants—and now that feels like all people see when they see you.

Or perhaps you’ve been the quiet one, or the one with the jokes, or the one with all the answers—and now you feel you’ve got to keep it up, always.

I’m more than what you see

If you knew me as a kid, you likely knew I didn’t talk a lot. But I’d encourage you, in a quiet sort of way. And I’d cook for you. For everyone. I’d take on the chores that had to be done but no one wanted to do.

If you knew me as a teenager, you’d see me often talking to the ones on the fringes—the ones who didn’t dress the part or quite fit in, the ones who didn’t speak English first, the ones I looked and talked and dressed nothing like. You’d know I started college early, loved my English classes best, and always got A’s. You’d also know I’d been wrecked by the summers I’d spent overseas on youth mission trips and planned to move to India as soon as I graduated.

If you knew me as a post-graduate newly-wed you’d see someone floundering to find her circle. You’d see someone who threw herself into work. Someone who was missing the bubble of on-campus living that made it so much easier to find friends.

If you knew me as a first-time mom, you’d know I struggled to accomplish more than taking a shower and clearing the dishwasher by the time my husband came from work. You’d know I was having a really hard time finding a rhythm. Or time. I’d let slack the hour plus I’d long spent daily, alone with God. I also rarely picked up a book or wrote a thing. You’d see someone without a clear purpose to light a spark in her day. You’d also see someone often lonely.

If you knew me a few years later, you’d know I was fast meeting friends in a new town because I showed up to almost every playdate. You’d also know that I was usually the last to arrive, and the last to leave. Through our conversations you would know the house we were renting wasn’t where we wanted to stay long, and that someday we would adopt two brothers to complete our family.

All these pieces of my life are part of me. But if that’s all you knew me to be at any season of my life, you’d know just a slice.

And aren’t we all far more than what most people see?

There’s beauty and joy and passion, though sometimes untapped, down beneath the surface. There’s nuance and personality and giftings and default rhythms that maybe we’re still learning about ourselves. There’s hurts and fears and a whole gamut of things that fill our minds but rarely let others see.

I’m more than what you see. And so are you.

But sometimes we don’t feel like anyone cares to read what fills between the lines, what glues our puzzle pieces together, who we are beneath the surface of curated conversation and appearance.

Real vs. safe: What do we really want?

We want to be known. Seen. Understood. Valued.

Our hearts crave that.

We want deep friendships. Deep community. Deep belonging.

But there’s this thing standing in our way.

It’s me, and for you it’s you.

If ever you’ve ignored a knock at the door or turned down a last-minute invitation because you haven’t showered or have no make-up on, you’re not alone. If ever you’ve stayed to safe topics though talking about the weather could make you cringe, you’re not alone. If ever you’ve cleaned with the speed of Sonic 5 minutes before expecting guests, or closed a door on a room or closet you’ve deemed too messy for others’ eyes, or let a call go to voice mail and texted back your reply, you’re not alone. If ever you’ve steered clear of the too-vulnerable or avoided conflict or presented yourself as more agreeable than you felt inside, that’s me too.

You and I both find ourselves in the middle of the hard reality that we can only be truly seen, truly known, if we begin to let others in.

Only in the opening up—the choosing to be real—can we be deeply known.

In this space we talk most often of opening up and inviting our neighbors to actually get to know us, but the same principle applies across all our relationships: we can only be known to the extent that we’re willing to be real.

And isn’t that what we really want—to be real with people and have them be real with us? And know that our realness won’t scare anyone away. That instead they will welcome it, walk with us through the things that are hard, pick us back us when we fall hard, point us back to Jesus at every turn, and love us well all the while.

But to get there, we have to dip our toes into real. Start showing up in small ways.

We might have to reverse the direction we’re heading so we’re moving toward people, not away. Towards Jesus, not away.

It’s all the way OK to start small and from where you are. The direction is more important than the pace. Remember that.

One baby step paves the way for the next because it gives you a little boost of brave. And if you keep making those baby steps of opening up and showing up real a habit, pretty soon you will be running in that direction. Because you’ll have gotten a taste, and it won’t be enough. So you’ll keep going. This too I know to be true.

Friend, if you’ve over there longing for the real too, this prayer’s for you:

May we know that You see more in us than we’ve let others see, more even than we ourselves can see. May we know that You see us and love us and embrace us. May the assurance that we are seen and known by You give us the courage to open up and invite in. May we find the real we are seeking as we let ourselves be seen. May our courage and our wholeness grow.

May you be brave with Him,

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Wish you knew your IRL (in-real-life) neighbors?