Many times, gratitude and praise are a disciplined choice in the face of thoughts and emotions that do not agree with Truth . . .

On the morning of January 1, 2022, I awoke with the deepest unsettled anxiety I ever remember feeling. These voices of failure accompanied the overture which had been getting louder for weeks . . .

I felt like the biggest failure

“The problems your teens are having are on you. You’ve known what to do and you haven’t done it. You were going to be such a great dad. Now look at you. Look at your family, your kids. You haven’t led them to Jesus. You’ve let them stray and drift to their own ways. And what of your leadership? You’re not leading anything of significance for the Kingdom of God. How long have you been a Believer? Maybe that’s all you are—just a believer who lacks the power to change anything.”

I was suffocating under this sense of enormous indebtedness of failure that I couldn’t undo, couldn’t repay. I cried out, “Please God, something’s gotta change!!!”

The face of a trusted brother came to my mind. I called him.

In 12 minutes, I had flung wide the compressed lid of my guilt-ridden suitcase, flinging every article across the room by naming each loathsome one. “I’ve been proud. I’ve been judgmental. I’ve hesitated to act. I’ve been irresponsible and over focused on my own dreams. I’ve professed Christ but held back the power within. I’ve been swayed by people and fear; substituted ministry activity for obedience . . .” The list went on.

In the aftermath, one comment from my Brother rose over it all: “You sound like a wounded warrior with a spirit of failure hanging over you.”

Wounded warrior? I expected something more condemning. Could I actually need a healing touch rather than the heavy hand of punishment I was certain was necessary to beat this stuff out of me? Perhaps the key to loving obedience was first healing by the hand of the Lover of my soul.

When asking my wife if I had seemed depressed the last few weeks, she rocked my world with these words: “You’ve been depressed all 30 years of our marriage.” Starting with my dad’s struggle with cancer and early death one year prior to our wedding; through infertility and failed adoptions in our first 10 years; to our house fire and break-ins while serving in the inner city, the trail of painful events was long and brutal.

What gratitude in the messy middle really looks like

As I considered writing this piece, I acknowledged that I was in a place of utter messiness. I wasn’t sure that I could testify to the gratitude that had lifted me out of it. Then I remembered the Spirit’s words to me years ago: “Chris, I will change you in the midst of your messiness, not apart from it.” I’m grateful for that!

I am grateful that He did not wait for me to cry out or draw near to Him, but He came. 

I am grateful that He is in me and so much greater than the one who is in the world—that even when my heart condemns me, He is greater. 

I am grateful that Jesus stands firm amidst the waters when the enemy comes in like a flood. 

I am thankful that He reaches out to catch me and restore a greater faith in Him than what I previously had. 

I am grateful that He knows me inside and out despite all the nausea over my wretched, human condition; that there is no place so low that He will not be present.

Today I choose gratitude in the midst of the storm, of the muck, of the tireless weaknesses and failures I carry. 

Today I rejoice in the One who says, “Come to me, weary runner. Bring me your heavy load. I will give you rest. Learn from Me. I am not harsh, but gentle and humble of heart. I will give you rest for your soul. Humble yourself, and I will pour out my Grace; I will heal you.”

Gratitude rising from the midst of it all—

From the mud, the rain, 

The flood of pain;

From the brokenness and dirtiness 

And real-life messiness, 

Let praise arise!

Meet Chris Epp

Considering himself a “lifer” (he currently serves as a full time substitute teacher), Chris’ early sense of mission was influenced by his Aunt and Uncle who served in central Africa for eight years. While having traveled to several “ends of the earth” locations such as Albania, Rwanda and Costa Rica, Chris notes that mission is living the message of Jesus right where God has us, right now.

Having been drawn to Jesus as a youth through the Christmas season in his home church, Chris is known to turn to certain Christmas songs any time of the year in order to refocus his heart and mind on the Father’s presence. He is convinced that the Love of Christ is the one pure motivation for all of life, and longs to encourage each of us to join him in throwing as much wood on that fire as possible to keep it ablaze!

Where to find him . . .

• Website
• Instagram

Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

Creating Ripples

If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.