I Feel Lonely Too (+ The Most Important Thing To Do)

Does it feel taboo to admit you’re lonely—though you are, and though there really is no denying it anymore?

I know of more neighbors who’ve had to quarantine in the past few weeks alone than perhaps all the rest of the months since Covid rolled on through. I know, too, the hopelessness that rises when you’re stuck days or weeks on end, seeing only the same people, seeing only the same rooms.

It’s lonely. As if we weren’t already lonely enough before all this?!

Loneliness is a tricky thing because we can feel overwhelmingly lonely whether or not we’re surrounded by people. It’s about something deeper than being in proximity with others.

It’s the lack of being seen. Heard. Known.

It’s the way our relationships leave us hallow when they are shallow.

It’s the debilitating feeling of being invisible but not having the guts to do anything about it.

Loneliness, like hope, grows—but it grows into something all-consuming and suffocating if unchecked.

But we don’t want to talk about that.

We’d rather wear a smile and nod and say we’re good and we’re alright.

We’d rather show the version of us we wish we are than the one we’re afraid others will judge if they saw us real, open, vulnerable.

But maybe it’s time to be real first. To say the things we need to say rather than what we feel everyone expects us to say. To open the door on the way we’re struggling and the way we need God to meet us, and the way we need people to walk with us through that.

Friend, you have permission to be yourself. To admit when you’re lonely. Or afraid. Or facing something that feels monstrous.

You have permission to be the real you. No pretending. No airbrushing. No curating. No exaggerating. Just you.

You have permission to be the real you quote from The Uncommon Normal.

Why?

Because that’s the first thing you and I need to do in order to feel less lonely.

We can’t be known if we’re not willing to be ourselves. It’s a hard truth, but you’re here because you’re lonely and need some hope that it can change—so I’m telling it to you straight.

Why is it so hard to be ourselves?

I’ve been on the outskirts of conversation, wrestling with questions like Should I share that thing? Does anyone really care? Is it selfish to talk about myself? Am I missing out deeper friendship because I’m afraid to be real?

If you’re been entertaining these sorts of questions too, I get it. Let’s start there. I am no expert at friendship, but I’m trying to learn to be a better friend—to actually let others in. And something tells me I’m not the only one who wants soul-deep friends. Who wants to stop feeling lonely.

But it’s not so simple to just drop the guises. Drop the reservation and hesitation and nay-saying. Drop the need to please and impress. Drop the comparing and check-marking and self-berating.

Why?

Because deep down we’re afraid. It feels risky to show the weak and needy parts of us. To admit we don’t have it all together most of the time. To share our doubts and our messy and our honest, wholly truthful stories.

Oh, friend, I’ve been content for too many years to play it safe. But safe often equals unknown, and unknown equals lonely.

What can we do to stop being so lonely?

How do we bridge from the loneliness we feel to the depth of friendships we desire? Because that’s the question we’re almost afraid to ask. The one that draws us and scares us all the same.

How do we begin being ourselves so we can actually be known by others?

I believe with all my heart that we start with one step forward. One step towards

being more visible
being more available
being more interruptible
being more relational
being more intentional
being more missional

That’s it. We start moving in a different direction. We take that first step—the one that asks us to be just a little bit brave. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. You get it.

Here are some practical first steps to consider:

Walk your neighborhood. Say hi to one person you see outside.

Invite that mom you don’t know very well yet—the one with the baby who will need a nap, just like yours, the one who needs a friend, just like you—over to your as-is home. She might say no or maybe another time. But invite her over anyways.

Text a neighbor (or two) to see if they might have that missing ingredient you’re kicking yourself for overlooking. If you don’t have any of your neighbor’s numbers, knock on a door or two instead. You never know what open door to deeper connection one small, brave ask for help can create.

Weather permitting, take something you’d be doing anyways out to your front yard. Even if you’re working or reading, you’re moving towards being more visible to your neighbors. It’s far easier to get to know your neighbors when they can see you.

If these ideas spur some ideas of your own, write them down now so you don’t forget.

And one more very important piece of advice: talk with God about what that #nextrightthing is for you. Bring Him into the conversation. I promise it will bring you much more peace than wrestling with the thoughts in your head by yourself.

Friend, you’re braver than you feel right now. And you’re not alone, because the Very Best Friend is with you and He will teach you how to reach out to others and let them in. He’ll lead you gently. And it will stretch you and invite you to inch out beyond your comfort zone. But it will be worth it—so very worth it!

May I leave you with the words I’ve been praying over you?

A prayer for the lonely one:

Lord, these dear ones—the ones feeling lonely, the ones feeling overlooked or disregarded or invisible—they are so very, very precious to You. May they know Your ravishing, lavish love that heals their hurts and calls them to keep taking one more step forward into healthy, meaningful relationships. They don’t have to have to be brave alone—You are with them, and with You they can leave the loneliness behind. Lead them gently, Lord, in a new direction.

May you be brave with Him,

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