Gratitude. Where do I begin? I guess at the beginning of where my story changed and how gratitude was found even through the challenges and pains of anxiety and fear. 

Pre-1996, my life was like any other mom’s, which included cooking, cleaning, and helping with my kids’ projects or sports activities. I had a good life, full of love from my family and friends, as well as my church family. I worked at the local library and had an amazing church home where I attended Bible studies and women’s retreats and discipled others. Yet, life took on a different look after the morning of 1996, when my grandparents were involved in a murder/suicide. 

For the next 16 years, I lived a very small life, as did my family.  Life now revolved around my fears–how far I could travel from home, whether I felt safe, and on and on. I did not like being alone, but also did not want to do anything outside of my comfort zone. I could go back and forth to work in my small town, but that was about it for many years. My kids suffered, and my husband paid a high price trying to “manage” all the needs I had. I am so thankful he stuck with me and for his regular encouragement. 

In 2005, we had a break-in during the night at our home, which escalated my fears even more. Then in 2008, I had some health challenges that caused every aspect of my phobias and fears to be exacerbated. Struggle–and constant panic attacks– were just part of life. I keenly felt God had left me. I knew He loved me, but I wrestled with why my life was so hard.

Freedom From Fear and Anxiety

Gratitude was not really a part of my life after 1996 until many years later, when God began doing a work in my life that honestly is only described as a miracle. 

Fast forward to 2012. I was invited to a church I did not normally attend. I certainly did not drive at night, so going to a women’s conference at night was a stretch. But God showed up, and from that day on, I began to cooperate with Him. It was hard work that looked like small steps of obedience–like driving to Walmart alone, and driving a little farther each day than I had the day before. Slowly, these steps that might seem silly to some began to change my life.

During that conference, He showed me Isaiah 44:20, where you hold the lie in your right hand. 

Such a person feeds on ashes; a deluded heart misleads him;

    he cannot save himself, or say,

    “Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?”

(NIV)

Boy, the lie that I had to protect myself from harm had grown so big I didn’t know if I would ever overcome it.  But here’s the thing: even one small act of obedience, like pushing through the fears, can change the whole trajectory of your life.

As of today, I have lived in Houston, Texas–which is exponentially larger than my little town of 16,000 people– and moved to Arizona from Houston.  Both of those destinations were definitely part of God’s growing process as well, since I knew no one in either place and my comfort zone was gone. I simply trusted God, and it all worked out for my good. I still am not a big driver, but I can travel and do most anything else in life I need or want to do. 

Good Amongst the Challenges

I  will never understand the loss of my grandparents or all the pain, but I know it can be, and has been, used for good in my story. I am grateful for all of my story. The highs and the lows. The good and the bad and ugly. Because without all of those, I would not be the person I am today. 

I know without the challenges of anxiety and fear, as well as the loss of my grandparents, I would have never said yes to two major moves out of my small hometown, nor would I have learned all the parts of me that can do anything with God. I also would have never taken that leap of faith to buy an RV and start traveling to see the beauty of America. 

Gratitude helps me find good in both the challenging and ordinary parts of my story. When I remember how far I have come and how much God has changed me, I’m more deeply thankful for the freedom I’m finding. 

I sit on my back porch and look at the beautiful sunsets that I can now enjoy without panic attacks or fears. I see my Bible that holds all the truths God has given me to continue to grow my heart and connection with Him. I note how I can now be home alone without being afraid. And I count these seemingly small things as giant gratitudes–evidence of my freedom from fear and anxiety.

Meet Angie Webb

Where to find her . . .

• Joyful Life article

Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.