How to NOT Compare Your Life to Everyone Else’s

Does your life feel a bit like an underbaked chocolate cake? Underwhelming, not in a defeating way, but in a residually discontent sort of manner.

You’re grateful for your life. Honest! But also . . .

You have a growing list of things you don’t love about your house.

Your phone is already outdated.

Your car is showing its age–or at least that ding from a mailbox.

You run, but not especially fast.

You’re not as stylish, successful, or social as, well, everyone else.

At least it seems like everyone else has something you don’t have, or has figured out something you’re still working at, or is naturally gifted in ways you’re not.

You hate to admit that your mind even gets stuck here, because there are good things–great things–in your life to celebrate. Stay there, mind of mine!

But when you go on a cleaning spree or scroll Pinterest or notice someone else’s perfect nails or ease in front of a camera, you get a little distracted.

Can we stop right here? Because the truth is that we rarely try to compare our lives to everyone else’s. At least for me, comparison comes like a rising tide of discontentment. It’s so gradual you almost don’t notice. But eventually, it will sweep you under, steal your joy, negate your peace, and thwart your focus.

I’ve found myself here, worrying about projects and platforms that are not in my lane, saying too many yeses and compromising the amount of myself I can give to what matters most, at this moment. In the same vein, I’ve grouched over dated linoleum in our upstairs bathrooms, compared my hair to what it will never be, and let insecurity step on my self-worth. 

Perhaps you can also relate to this: At times, I’ve compared the way I pray, the way I worship, the way I raise my kids, and my ability to articulate the good news of the gospel to those I assume do it all far better than I do. 

And somehow it all ties together. The spiritual and the superficial are both arenas where comparison seeks to enter.

When You Stack Your Life Against Everyone Else’s

Compare your life to someone else’s, your house or car or clothes to your neighbor’s, your personality or parenting style or prayer life to another person’s, and you instantly invite divisiveness. 

Why? Because comparison is anti-community. It drives unnecessary wedges and creates unneeded ranking systems. Breeds envy and distrust. Pits us against each other, as if we’re at odds, not on the same side. 

Comparison, by nature, puts us in categories. It flattens the many facets of our stories to two dimensions. Disregards the detours that shape us into kinder, wiser, more patient people. 

We compare across a flat plane with no regard to the time it took someone else to learn what they now do with ease. We dismiss the sacrifices we can’t see. Miscalculate worth based on what we can see–which is only a sliver of the picture.

Coincidentally, we get hyper-critically aware of inadequacies when we begin to compare. Either way we swing–into self-pity or pride–we dedicate a lot of attention to ourselves. This makes our vision unduly narrow. 

No wonder we end up feeling worse about ourselves. We’re sidling up next to an unrealistic standard or trying to ease our own discontentment to the detriment of someone else.

Three Keys to NOT Comparing

Where do you feel the pressure to be on par with someone else? To prove yourself worthy? To pretend your way into confidence?

No matter where your struggle lies on the superficial to spiritual continuum, let’s talk strategy for a second. How do you not compare your life to everyone else’s?

First, focus on who is right in front of you. 

Most likely you’re comparing your life to something that’s not even reality. Redirect your attention to getting to know—really know—your neighbors. 

Treasure hunt for unexpected commonalities. 

Linger in front-yard conversations. 

Dream up ways to make your neighbors feel valued.  

As you turn your attention outward, you’ll displace your own self-focus, and likely make some new friends in the process.

Second, make a list of the people you tend to compare yourself to, and then write prayer list at the top.

Spend a couple of minutes a day intentionally praying for the people you’ve elevated or insulted, even if only in your head. If you need words to borrow, adopt Numbers 6:24-26:

The Lord bless you and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you;

The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

(NIV)

Prayer erodes the discontentment in your own heart and simultaneously invites the good things of God into other people’s lives.

Third, seek to encourage and understand the people on your prayer list.

I paired these together because encouragement becomes extra meaningful when it’s thoughtful, timely, and personal. The better we understand others, the more equipped we are to build them up. 

One tool I find incredibly useful for this is the Enneagram. While many personality typing systems seem to box us into categories, the Enneagram highlights the underlying motivations beneath our fears and default behaviors. It expands our empathy instead of amplifying self-attention. And it helps us grow rather than stay content in our ruts.

If you’d like to learn more, you can find two summers’ worth of Enneagram blog series HERE.

A Prayer for Help to Not Compare

As we close, I’ll leave you with a short prayer to help you not compare your life to everyone else’s.

Lord, I confess that I’m discontent. Help me to take my eyes off myself and look towards You and the people around me that You ask me to love. Teach me to pray and encourage rather than compare. In the name of Jesus I pray, amen.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

---

What if you gave your faith the chance to ripple right into your neighborhood? These quick tips provide a wide variety of baby steps to help you begin to build friendships with your neighbors. When we get close to God and let others get close to us, the things God is working out in us can show.

P.S. Prefer the audio? Listen to The Uncommon Normal podcast for the same weekly content! Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, or listen to the latest episodes right here!