On a crisp Colorado autumn afternoon in 2022, I beat my personal best time running a few miles through my neighborhood. Those who know me well know I’m not a “runner” by any stretch of the imagination, and although I was nearing my 50th birthday, becoming one was not on my bucket list.

Still, on this day I found myself triumphantly rounding the final turn through the greenbelt back to my cul-de-sac when my smartwatch confirmed that this run was my fastest time on the route! It was a victory that meant more than earning another congratulations badge on my Garmin fitness app.

You see, a few weeks prior, I had started experiencing escalating physical anxiety symptoms again for the first time in 18 medication-free months. Even though my homeschooling load was reduced to just one high schooler (my eldest two in college) and I was only teaching part-time at our local partnership program, routine activities suddenly became an overwhelming burden. Typical weekly tasks such as writing lesson plans and grading papers, standing in front of a small classroom of students, and even decision-making in the grocery aisle had become a daily struggle due to unpredictable sweating, trembling, nausea, brain fog, chest pain, racing heartbeat, and more.

Willing to try anything “natural” to manage these resurfacing symptoms, I’d taken the advice of a close friend who found relief from a blind-siding season of anxiety by running regularly. I reluctantly pulled out old trail running shoes to start “running” (walking fast with an occasional jog) for 20-minute treks, hoping I would experience enough symptom relief to avoid medication.

A Short-Lived Win

Although it had taken a couple of weeks to build up to a decent pace, the fact that I was starting to run most of the way—let alone run faster—was a huge win. My skeptical self was also surprised by the short-term relief from some of my anxiety symptoms—win-win!

But the achievement was short-lived: After checking my record time and silently celebrating, my very next step was met with an excruciating spasm in my left hip, sending shooting pain down my leg and nearly taking me down to the pavement. As I defeatedly limped off the path down my home street, the pain intensified and tears erupted over my sweaty cheeks, now burning with anger and frustration.

“Why, Lord? Why?” I sobbed as I struggled to catch my breath. I couldn’t say much more between the heaving and weeping, but my rapid-fire questions for God quietly continued.

Why did I have to hurt myself while trying to get by with this “thorn” You haven’t removed? What am I supposed to do if I can’t run for relief? And why am I still fighting these symptoms all over again, when I worked so hard to be medication-free?

Is There a Thorn in Your Life?

Have you been pleading with the Lord to remove a “thorn” from your life? Are you struggling to understand why God would allow it when it seems obvious that you could be so much more productive and effective without an affliction holding you back?

I know what it feels like to desperately hope that God’s response to your prayers won’t be the same as His response to Paul in 2 Cor. 12:9. When physical anxiety symptoms first rocked my high-achieving, carefully controlled world ten years earlier, I cried out to God many sleepless nights hoping that His answer would be to remove my thorn of anxiety.

Back then, I came to understand why God’s answer to Paul—which was not to remove his thorn—wasn’t cruel or unfair. When I began to see my situation through the lens of God’s goodness, I saw how He used my struggle with anxiety to peel back layers of self-sufficiency, teaching me to let go of “my way” prayers and recognize that His gift of grace through Christ Jesus, which provides His greatest provision, also assures me that I can trust Him to sustain me—even if He never removed my thorn.

Yet as I faced this new reality of a sprained hip muscle and not being able to run for at least three months, I sought the Lord for the content resolve that Paul expressed in his response to God’s decision about his thorn: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Cor. 12:9b).

Paul goes on to use the Greek word eudokeō, which means to be well pleased with, to take pleasure in, to describe how he feels about his infirmities and hardships in light of God’s grace. Could I take pleasure in my limiting circumstances and be content to manage anxiety symptoms some other way—even if it eventually required medication?

The Pace of Grace

I asked God to help me understand how my growing list of weaknesses could point others to His power and give them hope when their circumstances don’t change. As I started researching why running had provided some relief from my anxiety symptoms, I quickly discovered that just being outside and moving in a natural environment has significant mental health benefits. I couldn’t help but smile thinking about how God had intentionally designed humans to experience stress relief and physical peace in the presence of His glory-declaring creation.

The next day, I decided to take a slow, steady walk instead—no time limits, no distance goals, just my inquisitive dog Lucy and a custom playlist of praise songs to accompany me. I had no idea that this would be the beginning of a new practice of solitude and stillness that would help me heal wounds buried much deeper than any physical affliction. You can read more about this journey on my blog, The Pace of Grace.

One hundred and ninety-four sacred walks later, I have never been more grateful for God’s abundant, sustaining grace, and I can be thankful for every grace-filled gift that’s flowered alongside the thorn of anxiety in my life.

Meet Renée Gotcher

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

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If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.