In December of 2020, I sat staring at the results of my home pregnancy test in excitement and shock. After hoping, praying, and waiting for seven years, it was positive! My husband and I had two older children who were ten and seven. I had always wanted more kids but my husband and God were not on the same page as me. In January of 2020, just before we moved to Japan, my husband and I discussed it again and he changed his mind. We tried without success for a few months before his six-month deployment, but now, finally, I felt like God was answering this prayer with a resounding yes.

I started planning right away

I was anxious because I was 37, geriatric by doctor’s standards. But my first two pregnancies had gone very smoothly, other than needing to deliver by C-section. I threw myself into all the baby plans immediately. I looked to see what baby items we could find on our military base. I started a gift registry. I made plans for how we would rearrange the house for baby items. We told our kids on Christmas, a couple weeks after our positive test, and we told our families and friends later that same day. I was overjoyed and so thankful for this gift.

Three weeks later, at the end of January 2021, I started cramping. At first I thought it was normal pregnancy pain, but it continued and intensified. We were in quarantine for Covid at the time, but the hospital said I could come in by myself to the ER.

My husband drove me up to the door and waited outside. I was hopeful because there hadn’t been any bleeding, but as I changed into my hospital gown, I saw the first spotting. I knew immediately that it was a bad sign, but I was surprisingly calm. I heard a voice in my head saying, “God has a reason for this. You don’t have to understand, but His plans are good.” I finished getting dressed and got in bed to wait for the nurse.

Grieving my miscarriage

We learned that I was having a missed miscarriage, meaning that the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks, but my body didn’t recognize that until later, at 10 weeks. I was completely devastated. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I was once pregnant, and now I was not. I couldn’t get my due date out of my mind.

For months, I was a zombie, just going through the motions of life. I never knew what might trigger my emotions. Some days I would forget about it completely, until I saw a pregnant woman or walked down a store aisle with baby items. Then it was like I started the whole grief process over again. Some days I was angry with God and wrestled with Him over what good might possibly come from this.

And invitation to celebrate instead of mourn

In August, our chaplain let the church know he would be offering water baptisms soon, and it happened to be on my due date. I had been baptized by sprinkling when I was 16, but I felt as if God was giving me this opportunity to start fresh and make that date something to celebrate rather than something to mourn. I hesitated to participate. I decided to wait and see if I really felt God’s urging during the sermon that morning. I absolutely did. So on August 22, 2021, I got baptized again! Born again on the day that my baby would have been born.

It was such an instant healing of my spirit, it’s almost indescribable. I have had moments of grief since then, but nothing like I experienced during those first nine months. I was finally able to accept reality and begin to move on.

Gratitude for a fresh perspective

In the months following my baptism, God helped me to see things more clearly. I had been placing my will above His, I had been putting myself in His place of control, I had been letting fear and worry overtake me. My perspective began to shift. Although I will always grieve the child we never knew, I began to be grateful for the lessons it taught me and for the closer relationship with God it brought me to. And I am thankful for the fellowship it has brought with other women who have also experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It is not a club any of us want to join, but it is one that we cherish the support of.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we receive from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

In December of 2021, we found out we were pregnant again. I am grateful and overjoyed once again, maybe even more so after our loss. My anxiety, though, has also intensified. As I am writing, I am nearly 18 weeks pregnant. This time around has been a daily, sometimes hourly, or even minute by minute practice of leaning on God like never before, to ask Him for help in trusting His plans, taking things one day at a time, and accepting His will over mine no matter what the outcome may be.

I know this level of dependence on Him was not there before my loss, and I know this is one of the many blessings He has given me through this storm. I’m sure I will never fully understand the “why” of our loss, but I can see how God has worked in this to bring about good things (Romans 8:28).

Meet Hilary Mungle

Where to find her . . .

• Website
• Etsy
• Facebook
• Instagram

Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

Creating Ripples

If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.