Four Unique Friendship Archetypes: Which One Are You?
When the most season-appropriate wreath already made is your least favorite, you shop Hobby Lobby and come back with a spread of items from the Spring Shop collection. They’re winter-ish colors: dusty pink, soft green, and white.
You gingerly pull cotton stems and small, white flowers from the grapevine wreath frame. Once the wreath is bare, you tuck and angle the new pieces into a fan, off-center, along the bottom. Minimalistic and muted: your favorite.
Front vs. Back-Door Friendship
You hang your artwork on the black front door–the one that opens often–and continue rearranging. Stepping back to survey, you remember how Christine Hoover talked about back-door friendships. She describes them like this:
Being a back-door friend means we let other women see our disrepair and smudges, without apology. We don’t present ourselves as polished–we don’t present ourselves at all, really. By being a back-door friend, we simply invite people to be themselves, because we are ourselves.
We pretty up our front door, Christine explains, just like we show our best face. But the back door, she continues, doesn’t get the same TLC. It’s plain, functional, and often full of fingerprints.
According to Christine, we curate our impression for front-door friends but embrace authenticity with the friends who have permission to pop in our back door unannounced.
I confess I was a front-door friend for most of my life. I’d disguise my guardedness as attentive listening. Ask all the questions but not answer my own. Open the door only if I expected someone, and never run errands without make-up.
But then, slowly, I started letting back-door friends in the front door. Inviting neighbors in, no matter the state of the house. Leaving the door ajar.
What I found surprised me: guests feel most at home when the host is relaxed. The condition of the house is less important than the internal dialogue between the host’s ears.
When I’m stuck in comparison, I self-criticize–and it leaks into my tone, leads to over-apologizing, and snuffs conversation. It’s no longer the good things God is growing inside me that ripple into my relationships, but my own pride and self-doubt. What’s inside always shows.
I wonder if you can relate.
You long for friends who are relaxed and authentic around you. You desire to be that sort of welcoming friend who beautifully reflects Christ. But there’s this voice inside telling you that you are boring, ordinary, or underwhelming. You compare yourself to a back-door friend and see only where you come up short.
So what if I give you more options? Friendship isn’t a pass-fail test, but something we can each grow in. There’s also not only one way to be a great friend. We are each wired differently and come to our friendships with differing strengths.
To springboard off Christine Hoover’s back-door friend, I’ve turned items from around my house into archetypes to help us better understand friendship. Which one best describes the type of friend you are?
The Rubber-Gloves Friend
This is a buffer-between-you-and-life kind of friend. Like rubber gloves that protect your hands from the drying effect of dish soap, this friend softens what life throws your way. She makes the sweet things extra sweet and the hard things less defeating. She stands in the gap and fights for you through prayer, even without you asking for it. While she can’t shield you from everything, her steady presence makes life more bearable.
The Tower-Fan Friend
This is a keep-you-moving kind of friend. Like a tower fan next to a treadmill, this friend helps you keep going when you feel like giving up. She believes in you, fiercely. She cheers you on when you doubt yourself, keeps you humble when you self-inflate, and invites you to take risks. With this friend in your corner, you’re motivated to step into what God calls you to do.
The Sound-Check Friend
This is a hears-you-out-and-helps-you-out sort of friend. The one you go to if you need a second set of eyes. She’ll invite you to bounce ideas off of her to test how they land. She makes time to proofread your paper. Like a sound-check before a worship set, this friend will “sound-check” for clarity, theology inconsistencies, and interal lies that undermine what God says is true of you.
The Gymnastics-Bar Friend
This is a set-the-bar-high kind of friend. She’s the friend who challenges you to be Christ-like. To train for godliness (1 Timothy 4:7-8). To try again, even when you miss. This friend sets an example to follow. She’s a visible role model. A clear moral compass. Being around her helps you look more like Jesus.
How to Deepen Your Friendships
You might see within a particular archetype things you already do as well as areas to grow. This means you care. You desire to deepen your friendships. To let the light in you rub off on others.
Remember, comparison steers you away from relational depth. It messes with your mind and undermines the friendships you’re nurturing. Don’t compare yourself to what you’re not, or to others. Instead, lean into friendship and let the work God is doing in you show. Ask God to help you. Take one small step at a time towards authenticity. Say yes to slow, steady growth.
Let’s pray.
Jesus, You are the greatest, truest, deepest friend we could ever have. You know the tender desire in us for relational depth. You tucked it into our hearts. Would You be our guide?
Grow our love for the people you put in our paths. Connect us with the friends You have for us. Help us to embrace authenticity so You more easily shine through us.
In Your name, Lord, we pray. Amen.
One more thing! Sometimes we keep our friendship shallow–by accident. Discover if you are making any of these ten common mistakes by grabbing the free download below. You’ll also get a powerful secret to help you deepen your friendships.
Just a friend over here in your corner,
Prefer the audio? Subscribe to The Uncommon Normal podcast for the same weekly content!
