For a few weeks, I had been ignoring the warning signals my body was sending me. Thinking I was sore from my workouts, or tired from my busier-than-usual schedule, I kept pushing through the pain. Occasionally, the thought would cross my mind to slow down and take some time to rest, but I’d quickly brush those thoughts aside. Then one day after too many days of pretending I didn’t see (or feel) the signs, I made one awkward movement and my back called it quits. 

It had been five years since I had suffered my last bout of debilitating lower back pain, yet here I was again, confined to my bed. Since this was an old injury, I knew it would be several weeks before I’d resume my normal life again. I was immediately concerned about the inconvenience this created for my family. But internally, I was also wrestling through another disruption that I was embarrassed bothered me almost as much—that of my exercise routine.

Discovering my unhealthy relationship with exercise

Exercise has been a regular part of my life for many years, and I thought I had a healthy relationship with it. After all, I wasn’t working out to punish myself nor was I trying to reach some unrealistic state of physical perfection. Mostly, I exercised because it helped me be less self-conscious about my forty-something body. 

Like many women, I’ve struggled to find a balance between enjoying the benefits of exercise, without becoming consumed with attaining the results it provides. I know exercise can be used to glorify God, and be of service to others. But if I’m being honest, my desire to serve the Lord often takes second place to my desire to look good in a tank top. 

So when my back went out, and I couldn’t do the things I thought I needed in order to feel good, I realized just how skewed—and idolatrous—my relationship with exercise had become. The pain I was experiencing wasn’t just localized in my back. God was revealing some discomforting truths about an exchange I had inadvertently made. Instead of loving and using the gifts he gave me to enjoy, I had become enslaved to them.   

Over the next several weeks, he showed me where I was believing worldly philosophies, instead of living in the freedom he provides. I camped out in Colossians 2:20-21, 23:

If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations—“Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch” . . . These indeed have an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.

ESV

Re-anchoring my heart to truth

Why was I living as if my efforts in the gym were the lynchpin of my mood and my day? That practice had an appearance of wisdom and promoted my own self-righteous feelings of accomplishment, but it was of no value in stopping me from believing lies about who I was. I needed to re-anchor my heart to the truth of God’s Word, not to man-made rules or results I wanted to achieve. 

God was using pain to get my attention. My focus had been earthly, focusing mainly on working out in order to feel and look better. While those are the natural byproducts of exercise, I was pursuing them as if they were ultimate.

Fixing my gaze on the Rock of Ages

God was reminding me that while my race is run here on earth, I have a heavenly cloud of witnesses, who are watching and observing how seriously I take this eternal fitness test (Hebrews 12:1-3). Am I weighed down by sin, man-made rules, and unrealistic expectations? Or am I fixing my eyes on Jesus, determined to run, crawl, or drag this shell, no matter how difficult the course, across the finish line?  

The English preacher Charles Spurgeon once said, “I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages.” My back injury was painful in every way, but I’m thankful for it because it toppled a deaf, dumb, and demanding idol in my life.

Once my back is fully healed, I hope to return to the gym, but this time with a different mindset. By his grace, I’ll remember to fix my eyes on the Gift Giver and not his gifts. For his reward is eternal and unfading, impervious to age, sag, injury, and pain, and reserved in heaven for you and me.

Meet Cara Ray

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

Creating Ripples

If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.

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