How to Know You’re Not Too Much, or Too Little (Enneagram 4s)

Dear Individualist,

Can I first say how grateful I am to have you in my life? You’re the friend I trust with my messiest emotions because somehow you always get it. You listen with sincere empathy. You make me feel seen in a way words can’t quite pinpoint.

Do you know what a blessing you are?

Maybe it all feels like second nature to you, but it’s a gift to the rest of us. You are a gift.

You bring a depth, freshness, and wonder to life that few can. Please know that you’re not too much. 

We need you–

Your intuition and creativity and uniqueness.  

Your presence as you sit with us. 

Your tears as you feel with us.

Some days you feel like you don’t fit in. At times, you worry you’re flawed and broken. Often, you fear you’re too much. And we hate that for you, because what we see is someone who reflects Jesus’ tender emotions, His genuine care for us, His reassuring presence.

Thank you for showing us how compassionate and committed Jesus is to each of us. Thank you for boldly finding the magical and majestic, and lending us your eyes to see it. Thank you for not being afraid of what’s sad because it means the world when you sit with us in these moments.

Don’t Dismiss Your Emotions

This is for your beautiful heart, Enneagram 4 friend: You are not too much for God. He’s not put off by big emotions. He created them, and He feels them too, feels them for you, feels them with you. 

There’s no need to stuff down, turn off, or dismiss your emotions. Your most intense emotions can mirror to others the depth of what God feels for them. 

You know what He says about the way He designed you? To borrow the words of the Psalmist,

I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.

    You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;

    Your works are wonderful;

I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.

– Psalm 139:14, The Voice

May you “carry [it] deep within [your] soul” too! 

God didn’t miss or mess up a single thing when He made you. You are not a mistake, but a masterpiece of the highest caliber. God is proud of His creation.

There will be people who don’t understand you—but God is not one of them. There will be people who reject you first—but God is not one of them.

There will be ordinary days sometimes—but God is there in the middle of them. Look for Him. In everything. He’s there, showing up big in a whole beautiful lot of little ways.

When You Feel the Muchness

Dear friend, God sees your deepest longings, your giant hopes, the dreams you can’t even put words to yet. They aren’t silly. They don’t overwhelm Him. You don’t overwhelm Him.

But God. God can overwhelm you with His affection, His kind attention, His giant embrace. He can overwhelm you with His sufficiency when you feel deficient. He can heal the fractured places in your heart, redeem what has been broken, and hold you when you feel the muchness of it all.

Tuck this promise into the most tender part of your heart: God knows the way forward when what’s behind you looks more appealing than what’s ahead. 

You can tell Him all of it, as did King David–Psalmist, and if I had to guess, also an Enneagram 4. See how his words resonate:

I call out loudly to the Eternal One;

    I lift my voice to the Eternal begging for His favor.

I let everything that’s going wrong spill out of my mouth;

    I spell out all my troubles to Him.

When my spirit buckled under the burdens I bear,

    You knew my way.

– Psalm 142:1-3a, The Voice

Here’s a permission slip to spill all of it straight into the ear of Jesus. He cares. He’ll never, ever turn you away or dismiss the ache. You’re always welcome here, beside Him.

You are Not Too Much

That’s the key to knowing down to your bones that you’re not too much, and you’re not too little: love Him with the full range of your emotions.

Love Him when you’re elated and when you’re dejected.

Love Him when you’re creative and when you want to pull away.

Love Him when it’s time to be somber and when it’s time to rejoice.

Love Him with your tears.

Love Him with your honesty.

Love Him when you’re breaking.

Love Him when you want to rewind time.

Keep your eyes on Him when everything feels tender. Only He can love you deep enough to fill you with love to share.

May I pray for you?

Jesus, you see my friend. When she feels defined by her feelings, would You remind her how You feel about her? Gently pull her in close when she wants to retreat. Tip up her chin so she can look You in the eyes as you tell her that she is not too much. Never inferior. Always outrageously loved.

Not a Box or a Label

One quick note, in case this resonates but you’re unsure about the Enneagram. You don’t want to be boxed in, labeled, or reduced to anything less than your whole, beautifully authentic self. I get that. And it’s not what I want either—for you or for me.

It might be helpful to know that Enneagram is not something to fit into, but something that can help us understand how we fit like puzzle pieces with others who see the world through a different lens. It’s not a label, but an invitation to better understand why we do the things we default to so we don’t get stuck in a rut.

P.S. To learn more about Enneagram 4s–including what we appreciate most about you, how you can use your strengths to mirror God’s grace to your neighbors, and (for the rest of us) how we can best missionally love the Enneagram 4s we know–grab the Enneagram Neighboring Lists. Each list is available both as phone wallpaper and as a printable pdf.

One quick tip for now: Give yourself permission to enjoy the non-spectacular moments too. This is where much of the life-on-life stuff with neighbors happens.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

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