I should be on my third cup of coffee by now but I’ve used all the mugs for the tea party. My two children, who already seem to have filled up our small mobile home with their larger-than-life personalities, are accompanied by three others. This is our new normal. Children run in and out of my home. The air conditioner strains and makes an angry noise so I just turn it off even though it’s already “first summer” in Texas. 

By June we are going to have to switch to iced tea. My neighbor’s kids are here many days, and they don’t have a shy bone in their bodies. Asking me for endless snacks and tea parties, “smetana” and “kasha.” They stare at me expectantly, waiting for whatever these foods are.

“Can you point to what it is?”

They show me yogurt and oatmeal. At least these are my words for those things. They have different words. Words I only know because of these kids and that they are hungry and expect me to feed them. 

Who Else Feels Like An Imposter?

I don’t consider myself the most patient person by any means. I drive too fast and rush all my art projects. I feel frustrated and defeated when the kids track mud all over the carpet that needed replacing a decade ago. Yet with kids, with people, it has to be different. 

I have not always been this “normal” stereotypical American Mom. Not even close. Sometimes I am still shocked that God has me in this role now, has formed me into this new ever-changing person. I feel like an imposter sometimes. I used to smoke weed and do lines of coke in my bathroom. 

Now here I am taking care of children. Tiny important people that get to decide the future in some ways. I’m making them milk with honey and comforting them when they get hurt. I have reverence for them and God’s plans for them. Remembering how badly adults hurt me as a child and how it has taken me so long to overcome those lasting hurts. How important it is for children, and adults, to feel safe and welcome and seen. 

Welcome In

I often do not feel this way in my life. Maybe I am projecting in that way, hoping to also receive what I give out. Regardless, I do not expect it from others, but I am desperate to sow those seeds everywhere I go. 

You are so wonderful and important.

You are loved regardless of what you do or accomplish.

I will always love you even when you mess up.

I love spending time with you.

Truth we all need to hear, feelings that need to be felt. I want these kids to be so sure they are loved that no evil thing can penetrate that. Because these will not always be the words that surround them. They will learn the voice that will try to convince them of the opposite. So my door is open to them and their families. 

This has taken me much time to grow in, however. I have fallen often into shame, especially because I am not a great housekeeper, though I have learned to be a much better one in recent years. I had to stop caring so much about how other people perceived me in order to look around and see what God was doing around me. 

Children knocked on my door daily and wanted to play with my kids. They always ended up in the house and I would speed-clean, anxious for their parents to come in and judge me and the Lego disaster that is our living room. 

Sometimes I still feel this too-familiar anxiety that has chased me most of my life. But I must remember, who will point them to God? Was it me that transformed my own heart and life in this way? Was my house more open and honest and welcoming as a drug dealer than as a Christian? I am so grateful for those who kept an open door for me and for the blessing in keeping mine open as well.

Meet Catherine Storbakken

Where to find her . . .

• Instagram @cateandian and @holyeulogy

Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.