7 Tips for Introverts on Growing Friendships With Neighbors

There’s that day when you realize that as much as you like your alone time, you’ve had a little too much of it these past couple of years. You miss getting outside for the walks you used to take every day. You even miss actually going inside the store to get your groceries. You’ve settled into a routine that gets you through the week, but the monotony feels suddenly loud.

You’d never call yourself a people person, but you need people, and it’s consuming more and more of your thoughts.

You’re lonely. It’s now undeniable. But stepping out of your comfort zone just feels like it will take more of you than you’re able to give.

Where do you go from here?

Let’s talk, introvert to introvert, about growing friendships

Before I share some tips on bridging beyond the four walls of your home and connecting with your neighbors, I want you to know that I get it. I understand the inward retreat, the words you can’t formulate in time, the way you feel awkward when you’re proximate to the conversation but not actually participating in it.

I get the longing too. The deep desire to be seen and known. The need for an inner circle of friends. The craving to have someone to tell about the little win in your day that most wouldn’t understand.

The reason I care so much about helping you get to know your neighbors is because I lived most of my life without these relationships. I used to keep my front door locked and only open it if I expected visitors. I used to grab my mail without lingering outside for a moment to see who else might be outside. I used to avoid conversation much more often than I would seek it out.

It didn’t change overnight for me. First, it was just an idea that felt like a faraway dream. Could I actually become the type of person that seeks out friendships with my neighbors? Could I ever be brave enough to say hi first? To make the first invitation? To welcome neighbors into my home even when it wasn’t at all clean? Could I let go of my own insecurity and self-doubt and shyness and make space for my literal neighbors in my heart, my home, and my life?

How the shift began

For a long time, I shelved that dream. And then one day, a word landed in my thoughts that I just couldn’t stop thinking about. The word was open.

What if I didn’t have to take all the steps at once? What if I could take it slow, this opening up and welcoming others in?

That word, open, became my word of the year that year, and to be honest, I still cling to it today.

The word gave me a direction to lean towards.

It provided an answer when I couldn’t decide whether to engage or retreat.

It helped me slowly expand my comfort zone.

And, over time, it’s resulted in flourishing friendships with many of my neighbors.

Tips for introverts on growing friendships with neighbors

If I could, I’d invite you over to my house today. I’d offer you a stool at my kitchen island and ask if you’d like to try the way I make chai. And I’d also ask you what you’re longing for and what’s stopping you from starting those friendships. And before you had to leave to run your errands, I’d share these seven tips on growing friendships with neighbors with you.

Because I want you to know that introverts have a role to play in a community. We need people and people need us too. And we don’t have to become anyone different than ourselves to find true, deep friendships with people we live near.

1. Pause before you say no.

If you’re like me, your first impulse might be to turn down that invitation. Or you might say yes initially and then talk yourself out of going when it comes down to it. To help you pause before saying no, try taking a deep breath, counting to three, or simply not committing yourself right away to a yes or no. You don’t have to say yes to everything, but saying no too often makes it hard to get to know others.

2. Step outside at least once a day.

Visibility is key to getting to know your neighbors, but that doesn’t mean you have to be outside every spare moment. It’s ok to start small. Make it a goal to step outside and linger for at least five minutes every day. It will feel less uncomfortable the more often you spend time out in your front yard or walking your neighborhood.

3. Start a fire.

Jennie Allen talks about how great fires are for gathering people in her new book, Find Your People. Bring your fire pit to the front yard or driveway if possible, and if neighbors are outside nearby, invite them to join you. Conversation becomes less of an effort around a fire, and the silences become less awkward.

4. Take a neighbor a meal.

Keep your eyes and ears open for when a neighbor might be coming home with a new baby, post-surgery, or without a loved one. You don’t have to say much, and you don’t even have to home-cook a meal. Just dropping by with some food will be a tremendous blessing to your neighbor and potentially open a door to new friendships.

5. Ask a neighbor for something.

You’d rather be self-sufficient. Me too. Yet practicing the humility and vulnerability to voice our needs gives others the opportunity to feel needed. It’s amazing how something as small as asking a neighbor to borrow a spice or an egg can take a friendship to a whole new level.

6. Start a book club.

If you’d rather be reading, why not let your love of books be a catalyst for getting to know some neighbors better? A group of us from my neighborhood have been using Jennie Allen’s book club kit for Find Your People, and I highly recommend it if you need a book idea!

7. Choose open.

Seriously, I encourage you to try it! Shortly after I chose open as my word of the year, I created a phone wallpaper to remind me every time I picked up my phone to choose openness over being closed off. I created a few wallpapers just for you, and you can get them here. I hope they help you lean in the direction of openness and community in so many little, everyday moments.

May I leave you with the words I’m praying for you this week?

Jesus, You know the tender heart of the introvert, and You don’t dismiss her. Instead, You call her up, deeper into You, deeper into being known, and You treasure her so much more than she can even imagine. Would You be her constant companion as she takes one brave baby step at a time towards friendship with her neighbors? In Your holy and precious name, Lord, I pray. Amen.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

Change your actual life in less than 5 minutes per day!

You can change your actual life in less than 5 minutes a day because baby steps truly can change the trajectory of your life. If you want 2021 to be the year you actually start living on mission in your neighborhood, this little book (available as a paperback and on Kindle) will help you get there. Each of the 30-day devotions takes but a few minutes to read, but they will lead to lasting life change.

Wish you knew your IRL (in-real-life) neighbors?