The Me That Is Needed
I’ve been there—the one wishing I was more outgoing, or a little more fun—the one wishing away things and wishing something different to be me. I’ve been the one standing in a cluster of people and feeling awkward and wishing I had paper to spill out my thoughts on before I had to speak them.
The painfully shy kid who was too self-conscious to make eye contact and then too stubborn to start talking when everyone chided me to being silent—that was me. The kid who wanted to coin a nickname for the first solo mission trip, thinking that a different name would offer courage to be a different person—that was me. The kid who could lead discussion on dissecting a Hemmingway story in a literature course but clam up in the swirl of enthusiastic debate in a communications course—that was me.
I hear it sometimes—that voice that says who I was is all I will ever be. I hear it seeping through my thoughts sometimes, as I pull the last grocery bag from the car and find myself wavering between two choices. Do I raise a hand in a quick hello, or bridge the gap by walking the distance to the end of the driveway to engage with a neighbor I don’t know well yet who is walking past? As I learn to see myself the way that God sees me, I find it easier to show up with the me that is really needed—the me that has grace for myself and others because I know well the Author and Giver of abundant grace, the me that shows up and swallows pride and insecurity because authenticity and vulnerability are far more life-giving, the me that stops holding back and becomes freely given because who am I to limit how God might gift something to another He loves through my willingness to simply show up?
Do you feel stuck today? Trapped in thoughts, or patterns, or memories that keep you from being the you that is needed in your circles, in your neighborhood, in your family? I’d love to share some insight I have gleaned from my own journey to help you move forward too.
1. I spend time with the One who made me.
Who better to go to when I am wrestling with the parts of me that I don’t understand or wish weren’t me than the very one who created me? He doesn’t just know everything about me, He created me to be me on purpose. He sees beauty in places I am prone to see only flaw and less-than. Sitting at His feet, figuratively speaking, changes me. When I find awe in my heart at the magnitude of His goodness and glory, and sit there for a while, I begin to heal from wounds inflicted by my own critical inner voice (yes, I wing 1 for anyone familiar with the Enneagram—and therefore I know what it is like to live each day with a relentless inner critic). When I come with no agenda, just a desire to know Him and be near Him, I position myself to receive the love He wants to lavish on me. Fear and love cannot co-exist, so the strongest weapon I have to combat fear inside me is to invite His love to fill me.
2. I do because of who I am.
Do I do out of the overflow of being, or do I be—find my identity—through all my doing? I find I am more truly me the more I grapple with my doing, my work, my love in action resulting from a sure and steady knowing of who I am in Christ. I am His child, dearly beloved, and adopted by His choice, not because I deserve or earned it. Thus my identity in Him is the starting, not the ending, point. Because I am loved, I love—rather than I love in order to receive His love. Because I arrest His attention and He yearns to spend time with me, I see intrinsic value in those around me—rather than I serve and am hospitable to earn His attention. Because I am called up to growth in His character traits, I can help others on their journeys as well—rather than I disciple to earn His favor or acceptance of me. I find freedom in knowing that what I do is a result of who I truly am—His.
3. I keep taking baby steps forward, even when I fail hard.
I’ve talked about this before, the concept of inertia that is often applied to Enneagram 9s. In “Forming Habits: Overcoming the Fear of Starting” I share how “for me, the starting is often the hardest. I’m learning that the concept of inertia is so true of me—once I start, the next step, and the next, and the next each becomes increasingly easier.” Even with my best intentions to be brave and bold and keep showing up, there will still be times when I let my fear and insecurity be the loudest voice in my ear. There will be failed opportunities, awkward moments, and moments when pride or selfishness or fear keep me from being the friend and neighbor that I want to be. Knowing that I will try at times and still fall doesn’t have to stop me from trying, however. I can keep taking baby steps forward into the openness, vulnerability, and genuine love I want to show up with because I know getting up and taking another baby step forward after I’ve failed hard is still easier than beginning again if I abandon mission.
As I heal and grow, I’ve come to realize that the me that is needed is the me that embraces the truth that its not all about me. God’s redemptive love and intimate pursuit of mankind is an adventure—an adventure that I get to be part of—but the story is about Him, not me and my insecurities. It is about a Bold Love, not my struggle to sometimes just show up, and it is a story that becomes more insanely beautiful the more of Him and the less of me that is in it.
Friend, do you need to remember today that you are a child adopted by the almighty God, that you are full of infinite value, that your family, friends, and neighbors need you—that you is more than enough—that you fills something that no one else can? I invite you to push back your laptop or set aside you phone, and just for a moment, close your eyes and listen. He is near to you. He sees your pain and brokenness and questions—and He wants to spend time with you. Who does He say you are? Simply ask Him. And then listen.
Change your actual life in less than 5 minutes per day!
You can change your actual life in less than 5 minutes a day because baby steps truly can change the trajectory of your life. If you want 2021 to be the year you actually start living on mission in your neighborhood, this little book (available as a paperback and on Kindle) will help you get there. Each of the 30-day devotions takes but a few minutes to read, but they will lead to lasting life change.
