Have you ever been simultaneously terrified and grateful: a moment in time that crystalizes both fear and a deep gratitude buried in your soul?

My moment was when the neurologist said about my son, “His sensory sensitivities combined with the developmental delays he still faces makes him a perfect candidate to receive a diagnosis Autism Spectrum Disorder.”

I can close my eyes and remember every detail of that morning.  Eli in the corner spinning the wheels of a toy truck. I can hear the click clack, click clack of the keyboard as she furiously typed notes. I can still see the patient head nods, the subtle eyebrow raises. It was a holy moment when fear gave way to gratitude. 

Autism comes with a lot of unknowns. Life would be turned upside down in ways we didn’t expect, but I stood on one of my life verses, bubbling with hope:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

Joy and peace where fear should be. Gratefulness when all seems dark.

But how?

In that moment, the sweet peace of the Spirit washed over me in a calm wave of relief. I had known something was different about my precious boy since birth. He came in with a furious and traumatic entrance. Within his first few months, though, the delays began to surface.

Therapies can allow a child to catch up quickly. But, when combined with his low muscle tone, the growing list of sensory avoidance as he aged and lagging communication skills, we knew that something was wrong. Not to mention, we lived overseas in a nation which did not offer necessary physical, occupational, and speech therapy.

God worked through my fears

I knew that God would guide me. I knew He would work through my fears and bring us answers and hope. And he did, over and over again. Whether it was our pediatrician in America willing to email me at all hours of the night or a developmental assistant who would stay up late to have Skype calls with me as I asked her questions about what Eli should be able to do. Time and time again, God opened doors to give me just enough peace to make it through our time overseas. Just when I felt that we couldn’t keep going, we needed to return home, a specialist or a resource would appear as if from nowhere to offer assistance. 

Those years were so special. We were used for the Kingdom in so many ways. Even Eli was a bearer of the Lord’s love. His precious smile (and large stature compared to the Asian babies around us) made nearly everyone stop and talk with us. His presence during my mentoring sessions with students would bring a soft break of the tension when students would need to talk about tough things. I used him many, many times in sermon illustrations, too.

His delays did not catch up, though. Yes, God allowed us to make the best of every moment, but I knew something was still off with my son. Fast forward to our return to America, seeing him next to children his age who spoke English so fluidly, the what ifs and questions only grew, along with my fear. 

Yet, when we finally received that diagnosis I felt immensely grateful.

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me? – Psalm 56:3-4

Psalm 56:3-4

With my trust in Him, I was assured by medical professionals that I was not paranoid or an overly concerned mother. Finally, after all those unknown months, I had a reason. Thank You, Jesus, for allowing us to see these doctors. Thank You, Lord, for expediting our space in the waitlist line. 

Praise and question marks

During the weeks and months that followed, the gratitude waned. The relief of having a concrete diagnosis faded into more questions and unknowns. Could we continue our work overseas? Would he succeed in school? Will he ever make friends? Will he get married? In that grateful moment, nothing truly changed about Eli, while, at the same time, everything changed.

Most of my questions cannot be answered until, well, until they are answered. I’m sure my heart could not handle such knowledge all at once anyway.

So, I will praise God today for what He has promised, like David said in the Psalm. I will trust Him in the middle of sensory meltdowns and difficult IEP meetings. I will praise Him to and from every therapy session. I will put my trust in God every day as a way to say thank You. Thank You, God, for replacing fear.

Meet Missy Towers

Where to find her . . .

• Website
• Instagram

Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

Creating Ripples

If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.