How to Subdue Your Self-Sufficiency: Results for Real Life

Self-sufficiency is a sludge of pride and survival. Sometimes it’s our only option. Sometimes we make it our only option. I fall into the latter category.

As a child with an anti-climactic history, my clamor to be need-free needed no external encouragement. No, mine was an internal wrestle, egged on by pride and a drive to excel at whatever I lent my attention to.

It started early, even with innocent endeavors like baking a cake. My parents tell me I was seven the first time I made a cake all by myself. I remember the page in the kids’ cookbook. Xrtra-Special Celebration Cake. It was a two-layer chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. I was big-time proud.

Looking back, I see a lie that started to form. It’s better to figure it out solo. As if I earn some rite of passage if I put all my stubbornness to mastering something new, without assistance.

Challenge thrilled me. It was opportunity to prove to myself what I was capable of, by myself. 

I spent a lot of time with myself, those adolescent years. As a homeschooled bookworm, my imagination and I had ample room to play. I entered my college years with knowledge far beyond my personal experience, adopted vicariously from book characters.

Needless to say, my overemphasis on proving myself didn’t retire when I moved into the residence hall at my first university. With exams and grad school applications, there were endless opportunities to employ self-sufficiency. I tried to apply what I learned from make-believe people to real life: never give up, no matter the odds.

In my mind, I could win at whatever the situation demanded. I just needed to figure out how. So try I did, even when the real win would have been asking for help.

If you think I’m only talking in past tense, I’d tell you how long it took me to put together a crib–or more recently, an ottoman bench– with the little Allen wrench that comes in the furniture box. Rest assured that my husband tightened every bolt in the crib. And the bench? A couple of its buttons weren’t secured correctly, so we were sent a replacement. My husband pulled out a drill and assembled the new one in a fraction of the time.

Best Way to Subdue Self-Sufficiency

Maybe you’re a bit like me–stubbornly self-reliant. Your I’ll-figure-this-out-alone might be trauma-induced or tied to your personality. Either way, you’re tired of your bristly independence that leaves little room for others.

How can you and I let go of these deeply ingrained habits so there’s space for others to hold us up in prayer and walk with us through challenges?

We stack habits, as James Clear proposes in his popular book, Atomic Habits. We use the old, unhealthy habits to trigger trajectory-shifting ones.

It might look like this . . .

When you find yourself saying, “I’ve got this,” add “but, honestly, I’d love to work on it with you.”

When you notice your try-hard going into overdrive, tell yourself, “Time out.” Reassess, then release responsibility that doesn’t actually fall on you. 

When you add a to-do to your list, delete a less necessary one.

When you start to say, “I should,” finish with “shouldn’t say should.”

When you glance at the clock as if you’re in a race against time, invite some assistance.

When you hold your breath to corral your focus, exhale with deliberation. Then choose one thing to delegate.

A Worthwhile Trade

Over time, these mindset-resetting additions will become more automatic. You’ll approach your life with permission to be a human with limited capacity. You’ll give yourself actual grace–the kind that’s easier to offer everyone else.

You’ll give on efficiency, and gain relationally.

You’ll practice flexibility, and find peace.

You’ll grow more Christlike–in community.

And you won’t feel so alone or silently frantic or overextended day after day. There will be more margin for front-yard conversations and shared cups of coffee and neighborhood walks.

Breathing room. That’s what you sacrifice when you’re resolutely independent.

Freedom. That’s what you choose when you subdue self-sufficiency.

But to get there, you’ll have to fumble a bit like a beginner getting her bearings. You’ll stack habits imperfectly, sometimes awkwardly. You’ll pick up pieces that fell while they were out of your hands. You’ll take the blame for something that could have been avoided. Sometimes, you’ll reach out for help and be met with rejection.

Relaxing your grip on self-reliance won’t be easy, but you can do this. I know how stubborn you can be when you want to accomplish something. I see your grit and your goals. You’ve got it in you to do the hard work of letting other people help.

A Blessing to Soften Self-Sufficiency

Also? Even this isn’t all on you. You’ve got a Holy Spirit Helper right beside you (John 14:6), who already sees through your efforts and excuses. He’s Wisdom Supplier (1 Cor. 2) and Gentle Guide (John 16:13). He’s infallibly faithful and always by your side. 

When you’re overwhelmed, talk with Him.

When you’re unsure, slip your hand in His.

When you feel like a failure, fall at His feet.

When you’re lonely, let His lavish love hold you.

May His all-sufficiency soften your self-sufficiency. 

May His grace give space for you to breathe.

May His tenderness meet you when you’re bristly.

May His steady presence comfort you when you ache.

May His words light your way.

In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

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