If someone had walked up to me two years ago and said, “You are going to hit rock bottom and it will be a defining moment in your life,” I would have probably glared at them with a look of utter shock. Then, perhaps that incredulous stare would have been followed by a nervous laugh. In my mind, that would have been the most utterly ridiculous statement ever!

I was doing all the things

Here I was a wife, mom, Christ follower doing all the things and trying to figure out “the new normal” at the very start of an unprecedented pandemic. My mindset, misguided at very best, was that there was no room for weakness, self-doubt, depression, and anxiety. For me, though, the cracks in the walls had begun to show and it was my best-kept secret until it wasn’t.

Sometimes, we find ourselves going through the motions. The to-do lists serve as a sort of security blanket. “If I can just get through all of this, it will be alright,” we tell ourselves. People are depending on us. Our families. Our colleagues. Maybe we even serve at church.  There are so many daunting questions like what would happen if people really saw our heart condition? Would we be rejected? Judged? Who can we really trust?

Behind the wall

In Christian circles, the fear of rejection or judgment can keep women like me in the shadows until it all comes to a head. In 2020, that is exactly what happened. I found myself “behind the wall” (my name for this unexpected adventure!) needing to get care for my depression and facing unhealed hurts, wounds, and trauma that had been ignored for too long. But that is exactly where I found a renewed and deeper faith in God.

Stripped of all my crutches—busyness, people pleasing, Netflix bingeing and mask wearing—I identified closely with the woman at the well in John 4. Until her encounter with Jesus, she was invisible to others—even left out—but that was not a barrier for our precious Savior. He intentionally went out of his way to encounter her in Samaria and offer the only living water that could quench her emptiness.  Jesus truly saw her and what she longed for—purpose, significance, and forgiveness.

Like her, among the ashes of my crisis, there was beauty. In His grace, people were placed around me that spoke life and reminded me that God had a plan, and it was for good. It seemed like a modern-day miracle when almost everyone I encountered was a believer working in a secular institution. The words of encouragement poured over me like fragrant oil anointing my head. At every turn, Psalm 34: 18 came to life, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

The time behind the wall was truly my defining moment. One major life lesson was that mental health struggles have nothing to do with lack of faith. We all have challenges, and these can lead you to an even deeper faith as well as a new calling. Indeed, I did find my calling or Chazown [pronounced khaw-ZONE]. It’s the Hebrew word for a dream, revelation or vision. We are all born with our own Chazown.  This is mine: “God created me to reach women who are hiding in the shadows of brokenness and help them restore their identity in Christ. I WAS MADE FOR THIS!”

A work in progress

My cries turned into rejoicing, my laments became a song, my sorrow led to laughter. My life is not perfect, but perfection is not the goal. Healing is a process. Today, I have an amazing support system in place comprised of family, friends, and accountability partners.  Authentic relationships, transparent communication and gratitude are my go-tos now rather than hiding in the shadows.

While our journeys may look different, this I know: that God is faithful. He will continue to prune, teach, and transform us out of His unfailing love for you and me.  There is HOPE.

Meet Lisa Torres

Where to find her . . .

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

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If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.