What Happened When I Replaced If Onlys with Timely Gratitude
If only I had a boyfriend, then I would be happy.
If only I had a husband, then I would feel complete.
If only I were married, then my life would be all good.
If only . . . if only . . . if only . . .
When I was in my twenties, these “if only” thoughts were the lens through which I viewed my life.
Even though there was so much goodness in my life, it was like there was something holding me back from fully embracing and enjoying that goodness.
I believed that something was the fact that I was single.
I believed if only I were married, I would finally obtain all my heart longed for and the discontentment would be cured for good.
Singleness a Gift?
They say that singleness is a gift. But to me, it seemed like singleness was second-best to the better gifts out there. It seemed like singleness was often defined more by what was lacking than by any sort of goodness it may hold.
And if it is a gift, could I please have that gift receipt so I can make an exchange? I love it, I really do, but it doesn’t fit me quite right. The color is a just a little off. I need something slightly different.
Around my 25th birthday, my discontentment reached an all time high, and I began dealing with increased anxiety and depression.
And I was tired. I was tired of that undercurrent of discontentment always present. I was tired of the if onlys. I was tired of waiting for fulfilled dreams to bring me fulfillment. I was tired of believing an end to my singleness was the only thing that would truly satisfy the longings of my heart. I was tired of enduring singleness rather than embracing the beauty already present.
I knew something had to change. And it didn’t look like it was going to be the external circumstance of my relationship status. I was going to be single for the foreseeable future.
So the change needed to be internal.
Cultivating Joy
The Bible speaks of a joy that’s abiding regardless of situations and circumstances:
Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!
Philippians 4:4, NLT
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.
James 1:2, NLT
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NLT
This was the internal substance I was missing, the internal change I needed to cultivate: joy, not based on my relationship status, but found in my relationship with the Lord.
In my journey of cultivating joy and contentment in my singleness, there’s a lot of little and big steps I took.
And the very first was beginning to keep a gratitude journal, to replace the if onlys that only magnified what was missing with a thanksgiving that illuminated the goodness all around.
1. Late night anything-and-everything talks with sisters
2. New horizons
3. Soreness from hard work
4. Stacks of books waiting to be read
5. Hope
Trading If Onlys for a New Lens
This thanksgiving was a shifting of my focus from viewing singleness through a lens of lack, to viewing it through the lens of God’s goodness to me.
And as my view of singleness shifted, so did the discontentment in my heart, dislodged by the joy that was taking root as I rejoiced in the provision and care and love of God.
It’s been eight years since I penned that first line in my gratitude journal. The “if only” thoughts do still creep in from time to time. There are still days when I feel discontent in my singleness. There are still things about being single that are hard and heartbreaking.
But I now know that singleness is a gift. I now know that singleness already holds goodness and beauty. I now know that singleness isn’t about lack, but abundance.
Because I’ve got 8,677 (and counting!) testaments to the sufficiency God in the lack, to the goodness of God in the hard, to the abundance of God in my singleness.
Meet Jessica Faith Hagen
Jessica Faith Hagen is a writer and speaker who shares biblical encouragement and practical advice to help women know their worth in Christ and navigate singleness with joy. When she’s not writing, you’ll find her reading a book, going for a hike, or playing on the floor with her nieces and nephews. You can connect with Jessica on her website, theoverflowing.com, and on Instagram, @jessicafaithwrites.
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
10 Things You Might Be Doing That Keep Your Friendships Shallow
(+ 1 Simple Habit to Shift Your Direction)
If you long for deep, meaningful relationships, this is for you!
Creating Ripples
If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.
