Marriage and Gratitude. At the Same Time.
I think I would like to blame it on the cabinets.
My husband and I had just had a huge fight. Like, HUGE huge. It was the Fight of the Year, literally, because we don’t fight all that often, so I guess when we do, we like to make it count. There was shouting and a slammed door (that’s on me), and also a really poor choice of words (that’s on him) that cut me to the core. It had to do with the refinishing of our cabinets, a task that I had taken on with zero idea about how difficult it might be, and also without anticipating that my perfectionist, engineer husband might have a whole lot of ideas about how to refine the process.
He did not, in fact, refine the process. Instead, he hurt my pride. And then we just followed the How to Get Really Mad About Something Super Unimportant Playbook. Refinishing cabinets with your husband is a risky little game.
So now, I am sitting on my back stoop. It’s where I go whenever I feel frustrated or sad. It’s where I go to have a good cry. That stoop has soaked up a lot of tears. It helps, too, that both my dogs like to come sit beside me in my misery. One of them, Rey, nuzzles my face, smearing my tears, as if to say, “Let’s clean you up,” in a totally ineffectual, fuzzy way. I start to feel better.
I try to think about how to get the courage to move on, to go back into that kitchen, about how to stop hating him.
I am sober—have been so since 2014—and if sobriety has taught me anything, it’s that gratitude is essential. It’s essential for my sober life, for my parenting, for my writing and speaking career. And right now, it’s essential in my marriage, to keep me from leaving my husband for Venice (that’s where I always go in the imaginary ‘escape the husband’ movie I play in my head when I’m mad. Don’t judge. Venice is lovely).
My daily gratitude practice
In my life, gratitude is part of a two-fold mechanism. First of all, acceptance helps me breath in through all the big feelings, through the fear that I might not be able to handle the pain, or the anger. Gratitude is the exhale. It breathes me out into my day, into my daily grind, and widens me. It allows for peace.
I know. It sound kinda woo-woo, right?
Try it. Breathe in and visualize that the Holy Spirit is filling you up with strength and power (ALL the power!) for your day. Then, breathe out slowly, thinking on all things that resonate gratitude. My outward breath is often this basic:
“Coffee. Thank you. Sunrise. Crunchy leaves. Time.”
It’s not a lot. It’s just a teensy daily practice that reminds me to pair the two. And if that isn’t enough, I sometimes remember (Not all the time! Especially if it’s early! I am a fog-momma until around 9 am) to say this wonderful, glorious, perfect prayer:
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change (breath);
Courage to change the things I can (breath),
and the wisdom to know the difference! (BIG breath).
There always seems to be an exclamation point at the end of this prayer for me. Maybe it’s the countless 12 Step meetings I have attended where we stand up and recite this holy request, often with quite a bit of gusto. At the end of these meetings, all of us have a sort of sports huddle vibe. We can’t help it.
After listening to folks talk about recovery for an hour, I feel ready to take on just about anything. So, we hold hands and chant together (does this sound weird? It might be weird. I don’t know. It works, so I don’t argue) and we really hit that word “wisdom” and “DIFFERENCE” hard. Then we all hug each other and sometimes even get a bit teary (me, it’s usually me) because we are all so very happy just to be alive.
Getting sober can do that to you. It can take you down to your barest self, where all you can say is “I’m still here. Thank God I’m still here.” That allows for a real injection of gratitude, I tell you. Jesus really loves on us in that space.
So, now, as I am thinking about how much I really dislike my husband, I do the breathing thing. I admit, it’s a bit begrudging at first. I watch my dogs traumatize the squirrels, and I breathe. After a bit, something in me clicks over. I feel a literal “giving over” of the anger and a filling up of this:
“When I felt most alone, at 35, Brian chose me.” (Yes, that means we got married at 36; we were OLD, ya’ll.)
“He makes me laugh. He always makes me laugh.”
“He loves Jesus. Even more than he loves me. This is good.”
‘He’s kinda hot.”
The words and thoughts start floating up away from me, and I breathe. I relax. I stop straining with my anger, and I relax into gratitude.
Grief contains precious gifts from God. Look for them. Thank God for them. Remember them.
Meet Dana Bowman
Dana Bowman is the author of two memoirs: Bottled, A Mom’s Guide to Early Recovery, and How To Be Perfect Like Me, both published by Central Recovery Press. Bottled was selected as a Kansas 2016 Notable Book.
She speaks and writes about the perfection myth, creativity, writing and recovery. A high school English teacher for over twenty years, she now teaches writing at Bethany College in Lindsborg, Kansas. Last summer she attempted standup comedy for the first time, and survived.
Visit her at danabowmancreative.com where she shares about connecting with your creative self.
Listen in to her podcast The Neighborgood about the power of a good story.
Connect with her on her socials where she posts far too many pictures of her cat, Steve.
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
10 Things You Might Be Doing That Keep Your Friendships Shallow
(+ 1 Simple Habit to Shift Your Direction)
If you long for deep, meaningful relationships, this is for you!
Creating Ripples
If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.
