It’s OK to Not Have It All Figured Out

I find myself here at a juxtaposition—of authenticity and hospitality, of loveliness and frugality, of availability and rest. Yes, missional living, in all it’s beauty and richness, brings up so many questions. In this post I will unpack some of the questions we have been processing as well as some of the ensuing choices we have made to better serve our neighbors through our home.

Authenticity Versus Hospitality

I feel like this message of being authentic has popped up in so much of what I have read and listened to on podcasts of late—this idea that being true, vulnerable, and letting others see your imperfect home and imperfect life in all its grit is attractive. I want to be more like that. Less closed off, less reluctant to answer the door if my house looks horrendous (which all of us with young kids know can happen in a blink of an eye), less concerned with how I am perceived so I can selflessly love who I am talking to—oh, how appealing! Yet I also know that I feel like a more hospitable host when I don’t have crusty dishes still on the table from two meals ago or trails of cereal and cracker crumbs dispersed to the far corners of every room.

So here is my working solution: take a deep breath when neighbor kids follow my girls through the door, even if I am in the middle of cleaning, smile, and try to remember that their houses are not likely to always be clean. I’ve determined that the highest priority items on my cleaning list are the dishes, counters, and table; the main level floor; and the guest half-bathroom. Although I do this imperfectly, I have a goal to sweep my floor once a day, clean up fully after each meal, and give this bathroom a quick wipe down if it looks or smells dirty. Having a concrete, do-able list and keeping in mind why I am cleaning (to be more readily invitational to our neighbors) has helped me find motivation for accomplishing these tasks and grace for myself when I don’t complete my list.

Loveliness Versus Frugality

I have been reading Jessica Smartt’s book Memory Making Mom and listening to Sally Clarkson’s podcast, and I feel called to a higher standard of creating loveliness within our home. It’s easy to focus on what it NOT lovely about our home: the dusty light fixtures indicative of the 90’s when they were first installed; the spots on the carpet in our dining room and piano room that seem more obvious with each passing day; the windows that either don’t have blinds or curtains, or both; the sparseness of furniture in the living room and piano room (which will be a sitting room too, except there is currently nowhere to sit down aside from the piano bench, the spotted carpet, and the pink acro mat that usually spans from one end to the other of the room); the mostly bare walls in the living room; the ottoman with yellow foam peeking through most of the seams; the patio furniture that needs to be trashed because thanks to sun-rot, we have already fallen through two of the four chairs; and the list continues. I want our guests to feel valued and like we feel they are worth the thought and expense of creating a lovely space for them.

I envision centerpieces on our tables, a new ottoman and a large area rug to make the living room feel more cozy, more farmhouse décor to spruce up some walls, ample outdoor furniture to make outside an inviting space to hangout during the summer months, and window treatments for the windows that look forgotten.

Yet I want to also filter my desires for the house with what are true needs as well as what is highest priority within our budget. The biggest must-do’s we settled on before we could begin hosting group at our house were redoing the basement floor and getting a second table to put in our dining room. Both of these are done, oh joy! The badly, and I mean BADLY, stained berber carpet in the basement is gone. Brandon ground through the top layer of the cement, and with the help of a new neighbor friend, applied stain and a sealant. It looks pretty cool down there, and the cost was so much more affordable than other flooring options. We have the kids’ play area set up in the basement, and the kids play there under the supervision of a sitter while we have our discussion time on the main level. The giant farm table has been our most recent update. An amazing neighbor built the table for us out of quarter-sawn oak, and it is custom-sized for our dining room. It is one of a kind, absolutely stunning, and built to last generations after us. We will forever be thankful for the love and time our neighbor put into the engineering and construction of the table. In all honesty, our house is functional for hosting group, even though it is far from perfect and less than lovely in many ways.

Further, I want to never forget to be over the moon grateful for this house that was so clearly a blessing from our good Father. We live in a very visible spot for all who come into our neighborhood, and when we are outside, almost everyone driving home or out for a walk will see us. The house is so much larger than what we dreamed possible for our budget. With the price tag came a lot of work, cleaning, fixing, and updating—but still, we couldn’t have asked for a better house for diving into a neighborhood missional community. I want to always, always make a place for gratitude in my heart.

Another piece to add to the complexity is that the mortgage for this house is at the high end of what we wanted to spend out of our monthly income, so that doesn’t leave much room for updating, furnishing, and decorating, at least as according to the time table we would prefer. Prioritizing, waiting, and learning to be content are part of the game. Case in point, the flooring on the main level that we thought was at the top of our priority list keeps getting pushed lower as we realize that not only is it functional, the laminate is not terrible even though it’s much lighter and cheaper-looking than we would pick out. Now replacing windows in the front of the house and updating light fixtures seems more important than the floor. Our priorities have certainly shifted more times than we expected over the months.

So where does this leave us? We are aiming for lovely but learning to simultaneously be at peace with the present. The picture I featured for this post is the perfect embodiment of this. We came home from a birthday party this afternoon to find these lovely flowers on by our front door with a sweet note from a neighbor family who has been coming to our Friday group for a while now. The flowers smell heavenly, and the scent is not contained to the area I put them, which is the new farm table that still doesn’t have a centerpiece. I was sure to include the still curtain-less, blind-less windows as well.

In seeking to add beauty to our home, I’m realizing that I can declutter without spending a dime, and that does add some sparkle to the 90’s flair. We’ve also made a few smaller, recent purchases to fill areas we felt our frugality infringed upon our hospitality. I’ve also started a list of home-making things to take care of prior to our weekly group gathering to help make guests feel more welcome.

Here is my list, which is a combination of both, in the random order I jotted them down:

• Buy, then keep, a caddy of paper plates and plastic silverware stocked and ready to pull out when neighbor-friends arrive.
• Buy wine glasses even though we don’t drink wine often ourselves.
• Buy a set of kid-sized tumblers so we don’t run short.
• Stay on top of cleaning.
• Keep the microware wiped out because a baby bottle may need to be warmed up during group time.
• Have plenty of ice available.
• Purchase more serving utensils as often food is brought without a serving utensil.
• Add a few potholders to our stash.

The picture I chose for this post is also a great embodiment of cultivating beauty in home

Availability Versus Rest

Being available to our neighbors begins in the heart, I believe, and then is outwardly expressed through intentional actions. The internal and external coexist—you cannot authentically have one without the other. We endeavor to spend a considerable amount of time out in our front yard, to take the first step in letting others know we are playing outside and would love for them to join in, to create a normal where our neighbors know that we are easy to talk to and easy to find. I post on Instagram to encourage others to take small steps in being approachable and present in their own neighborhoods. One of our favorite ways to do this is to do something out in the front yard that maybe we would typically do inside but could just as easily be done outside. For example, the other day it was a warm, sunny morning, so I sat on the front step with the middle daughter and did her hair and make-up there for her dance pictures. It really wasn’t any more cumbersome than doing it in my bathroom, and my other two played outside while I applied the make-up. We also have brought the acro mat out to the driveway and played Jojo Siwa and Kidz Bop songs. If my pretzel acrobat is practicing her tricks outside, other kids are bound to join her. The music creates an inviting ambiance as well.

The neighborhood we moved into, unbeknown to us, has had a high priority of doing life together since decades before we arrived. Most of the kids play in their front yards and roam from house to house. In the evening so many walk the neighborhood. There are parties and gatherings and outdoor movies and holiday celebrations—here community is not just a idealistic term, it’s an everyday reality for all many. So even if we didn’t have a desire to lean into living missionally in our neighborhood, we would still have ample opportunity to get to know our neighbors. The challenge is a delicate one, to be available, invitational, hospitable, present, and still not overlook the need we have too for rest.

If you aren’t familiar with the life shapes in Mike Breen’s book Building a Discipling Culture, he employs shapes that are easy to recognize and remember to teach discipleship principles. The one I visualize often is the semi-circle. It depicts the arc created by a pendulum swinging back and forth, rhythmically, between the tenants of work/fruitfulness and abiding/rest. The purpose is to remind us that our fruitfulness is not highest if we stay on the work side. Rather, we seek to work out of our rest, not rest once we feel we’ve finally earned it. Rest, true intentional rest, makes us more fruitful. When we rest and abide in Christ as we are urged to do in John 15:4 we are more effective. Here is the verse in The Passion Translation: “So you must remain in life-union with me, for I remain in life-union with you. For as a branch severed from the vine will not bear fruit, so your life will be fruitless unless you live your life intimately joined to mine.” I need all the reminders I can to schedule times of rest into the normal we are creating as a family.

Some of the ways I’ve found rest lately is through reading a devotional or Bible reading plan first thing ever morning, listening to podcasts while showing and getting ready for the day, reading books even in short spurts throughout the day or to help me fall asleep as night, turning on worship music even if the house is far from silent, taking an occasional morning (like this morning) to sleep in and try to not feel guilty about what I didn’t get done in that time, and taking advantage of a rainy weekend day when the kids are napping or watching a show to write. Rest is essential, and without a regular practice of it, even your best intentions to live missionally and with joy will fail to keep your reservoir full.

I want to close with a prayer, but first with an encouragement that if you are feeling pulled towards living missionally in your neighborhood, it’s ok to not have it all figured out before you begin. It’s ok to face questions and challenges as they come up. It’s ok to take baby steps in the direction you want to go because with every step you will feel braver and more ready for the next step. So don’t give up—lean in. Lean into the One who gives you rest and listen as He might whisper to your heart about how deeply He cares about your neighbors.

Dear Lord, you know us and you see us. You see the way we want to love and serve and encourage our neighbors, and you have grace for us when we fail. Please help us to see ourselves as you see us and to have more grace for ourselves as we take baby steps and learn to lean into missional living. You are the source of our strength, the author and finisher of our faith, and the source of our joy. Please draw us into times of rest where we can sit at your feet at soak in your goodness and glory. We love you. Amen.