How to Stop Pushing People Away: 1 Trick to Try Today

This is for the one who’s closed herself off in subtle ways, who feels disconnected from those she longs to be closest to. This is for the one who knows she’s not fully present most of the time. This is for the one trying so hard to do all the right things that she’s forgotten her why. This is for the one who wants to stop pushing people away because she’s been feeling lonely even when other people are around.

This is for you. And it’s for me too.

Because I know what it’s like to want to be seen, known, and understood but find yourself holding others at a “safe” distance. I know what it’s like to want to be liked so you don’t rock the boat. You show up for everyone else, but you don’t show up with all of you. You nod and listen, offer a hug and a sympathetic smile, but you feel you have to keep yourself together.

And as much as you’d like to think you’ve been a good friend, you feel like a fake because you haven’t let many people into your own hurts and worries and struggles. Vulnerability is uncomfortable, and though you crave depth in your relationships, you disappoint yourself again and again.

But today, may we talk about, you and I? In this safe space, with no one to overhear but God?

If you think about what’s lacking in your relationships—the depth, the transparency, the soul-sister bonds—and then where you want to be—engaged, connected, known—does it feel like a far leap? And standing here at the brink of the divide, it might feel impossible. Impassible.

But maybe it’s not.

Maybe you don’t have to bridge the divide in one giant leap.

Maybe you can shift your direction.

Maybe you can go at your own pace.

Friend, what I really want you to know today is that the direction is more important than the pace.

It’s not about how fast we’re getting there, but knowing where we’re going. It’s not about who gets there first, but the trajectory we’re traveling on. It’s not about getting it right the first time, but trying again, and again, and again. And it’s not being brave all by ourselves. It’s taking each small step with God.

You don’t have to be brave alone. He’s inviting you to be brave with Him.

It’s a hand-reached-right-out-to-you invitation to set a new direction. To lean into the growth. To trust Him to sand your rough edges smooth. To awake you deep within. To embrace community and mission-minded living.

Are you ready to drop the pressure to impress, please, or earn approval? Are you ready to live your life as you, just you, fully, freely you? Are you ready to open up, show up, and let others in?

If so, would you join me?

How to stop pushing people away

There’s a word that’s helped me define the direction I want to lean into that I’d like to share with you. The word is open, and it’s the one I hesitantly chose as my first word of the year.

It rose to the surface of my thoughts in those situations where I wanted to say hi and then stay silent, or do all the listening but not answer my own questions, or give the easy, “Yep, I’m good! It’s all good!” even when I wasn’t.

When I wanted to retreat from conflict, over-analyze my words, over-apologize, or dismiss what I could contribute to a conversation, the word open pulled me gently towards people.

When I felt compelled to show my best face and never my lack or weakness, the word open beckoned me to lay pretenses aside and let the things God was working out inside me ripple out beyond me.

When I hesitated to answer a knock at the door because it was noon and I’d been writing all morning but hadn’t showered yet, the word open encouraged me to not take myself so seriously.

When it was more comfortable to keep the conversation shallow, the word open reminded me that playing it safe still has a high-risk tag.

Not long into the year, I created a phone wallpaper with the word open so I wouldn’t forget the direction I was choosing was open. Being interruptible. Available. Vulnerable. Relational. Real.

I’d seen how powerful words placed in a highly-visible place can be. My first experience with putting Bible verses where I’d see them all the time was the year I traveled with Teen Mania Ministries to Auckland, New Zealand for a summer mission trip. I remember a small group of girls walking into a double-room with bare, white walls and scattered bunk beds, choosing our beds, unpacking a few of our things. And then, as if it was not even a question, one girl pulled out some paper and pens and asked if we were ready to start writing out Bible verses to put all over the walls.

Weeks into the summer, we knew each of those verses by heart. Usually, I worked hard at memorizing a verse. But this time it felt effortless.

When I returned home that summer, I adopted the same practice, duct-taping verses I’d written in black sharpie across the pages of a black-and-white cat calendar. I added in maps, flags, prayers, and pictures of people around the world to remind me daily to pray.

Over the next several years, I moved multiple times as I completed each degree at a different school. My DIY wall décor collection grew and came with me for every move. You’d be hard-pressed to find more than a square inch of white wall in my dorm room. One semester I resorted to fishing line to secure a flag to the ceiling because I’d run out of wall room.

What it taught me is this: what you see often, you remember.

That’s why I put the word open on my phone, because I knew every time I reached for it I would be reminded to choose open.

How about you?

Could you use a little more openness in your life too? What would it change for your relationships with your family, your neighbors, and your friends if you too began choosing open in little ways throughout your day?

What if you could stop pushing people away?

What if you traded fake for real and shallow for deep?

What if you could be yourself and let others in, and God would be all over it and in it and touch those around you through it?

If you’re willing to try this little life hack of putting the word open on your phone, grab your choice of these free phone wallpapers that I’ve created just for you.

I’d love to encourage you as you embark on this journey. When you grab your wallpapers, you’ll also receive access to all the other resources I’ve created for you, which as housed in the FOR YOU corner of The Uncommon Normal. Here you’ll find a full week of my devotional, Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors, a field guide to neighborhood missional living, The Uncommon Normal manifesto, and so much more!

Finally, I’ll be in touch, right in your inbox! Every Tuesday night I send out a personal note, exclusive for my email community. It’s a place where I can share more of my heart with you, send you recipes I’m cooking for my neighbors and the songs I listen to on repeat, and highlight all the things you won’t want to miss.

I am so excited for you to join me, friend! This is the blessing I’m praying over you:

May you know that you don’t have to prove a thing. You don’t have to impress. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. May you know, instead that “[your] weakness becomes a portal to God’s power” (2 Cor. 2:9-10 TPT). You can stop trying so hard. Let it go. And choose the heart posture of open—first with God, and then with those around you. May you know that the direction matters so much more than the pace, and that you don’t have to be brave alone. May God be with you, my friend! Amen.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

Change your actual life in less than 5 minutes per day!

You can change your actual life in less than 5 minutes a day because baby steps truly can change the trajectory of your life. If you want 2021 to be the year you actually start living on mission in your neighborhood, this little book (available as a paperback and on Kindle) will help you get there. Each of the 30-day devotions takes but a few minutes to read, but they will lead to lasting life change.

Wish you knew your IRL (in-real-life) neighbors?