How to Stop Criticizing and Love with Grace

Words are hard to take back. But sometimes I wish I could rewind time, pause a moment longer before speaking, and say better words. I’ve pointed out what’s been missed in the cleaning before praising the work already done, been quick to become defensive, or let distraction sharpen my tone. But it’s not so easy to simply stop criticizing with our words. Instead of stopping what we do in our default moments, we need to start doing the right things so we can actually stop doing the wrong things.

We’ve been reading Suzanne Stabile’s The Path Between Us with our missional community, and last night we talked in depth about Enneagram 1s. The Enneagram has potent potential when used as a spiritual growth tool. Learning how to better understand how others in our lives see the world differently than we do grows our compassion and understanding. God is relational, and learning how to better love our families, neighbors, friends, classmates, and co-workers helps us to more fully reflect His love and grace through the way we relate to others.

If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram, it is essentially an unpacking of the way we see the world through different lens and the motivations that underlie the things that we do. Although there are just nine numbers, nuances abound as each number “wings” or leans towards a number on either side of their type. Each Enneagram number likewise displays characteristics of two additional numbers, one when under stress and another when grounded and secure.

More than half of the numbers on the Enneagram in some way touch Enneagram 1s. And for those who do not resonate personally with Enneagram 1 motivations, they are quite likely to have others in their life who do. Learning about each number on the Enneagram can help grow awareness in us of the way we default or the way we might offer more grace to others because, as is the case with the 1s, most of us are affected in some way by the way each Enneagram number sees.

Enneagram 1s have an inner critic—a voice inside that relentlessly reminds that of the way they are not good and have missed the mark of perfection. Because they see more easily than many of the other numbers what is not right in a room, criticism comes naturally to them. But the high standards they project on others are nothing compared to the critical voice they hear belittling themselves every step of the way.

As an Enneagram 9 with a 1 wing, I can relate very much to having an incessant internal critic pushing me to always do my best work and finding fault even then. I talked about my struggle to let go of perfectionism and let my imperfect work be seen here.

A Matter of the Heart

When it comes to my words, I can see a direct correlation between what is going on inside my heart and what words I say when I am pressed. In the moments I embrace self-reliance, let the weight of all I see wrong crush me, it’s easy to let criticizing words slip. The more self-consumed I am—with the things I feel I must do perfectly, with the shortcomings I see in myself, my work, or my performance—the less present I am to love generously those right in front of me.

As Tom Holladay aptly points out in Love-Powered Parenting, “Jesus taught us that our words don’t sip out accidentally; they come from our hearts.” Matthew 15:18 in the TPT says, “But what comes out of your mouth reveals the core of your heart. The MSG puts it this way: “What comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart.” If I want to stop criticizing and extend instead love-fueled grace, I must trace my words to the root: my heart.

Struggling to stop criticizing?

Can you relate to having a critical inner voice that never lets well enough be enough?

Is it easy to see at a glance what is not done all the way right?

Are your words, too, sharper at times than you wish they were?

Does all your trying to control your tongue simply leave you exhausted?

Perhaps you’ve discovered too that as hard as we might try to just stop criticizing, we can’t simply mind-over-matter it. Unless there is a new pattern to follow, we will keep going back to our default, and often not see it until post-fact. But words can’t be unsaid, and the damage can be immediate and lasting. We need a better way to redirect our attention and our words so we can stop hurting those we love most.

Addressing the root of criticism

So how do we change what’s growing in our hearts so what spills out into our words and demeanor is saturated in love and grace? I’ll some practical tips that have been helpful for me. We’ll begin with soul-care and then move to self-care.

Soul-care

Soul-care is essential to growing in Christ-likeness. Unless we are spending time in close proximity to Jesus, we can at best strive through our own efforts to love generously and live lightly. There is no substitute for spending time with Him. To cultivate a life worth imitating, we must draw close to the One we seek to imitate.

Morning routine + gratitude

Scheduling a daily time to give God my undivided attention has proven instrumental in how aware I am of God’s closeness. He is near always, but when I rush from one distraction to another, I settle for living with blinders that prevent me from seeing how He is right next to me.

My morning routine gives me a scheduled appointment with God, and this grows my expectancy that He will meet with me. It also postures my heart to listen instead of doing all the talking.

If you’d like to know more about my morning routine, you can read my post about it here. One piece of my morning rhythm I did want to highlight today is my ongoing gratitude list. Growing a grateful heart necessitates that I practice gratitude, so I add at least three things I’m grateful for each morning to my numbered list that now mostly fills a journal. Starting my day with gratitude rewires something inside my heart and makes it far easier to continue looking for the good in the rest of my day.

Ongoing conversation

My morning routine lays the groundwork for the rest of my day because when I remember that He is near and He can’t stop thinking about me, it’s easier to stay my mind on Him as I go through the rest of my day. Keeping an ongoing conversation with Him doesn’t mean that I do nothing else, but that thoughts of Him constantly intersect my thoughts. Rather than trying to maintain this heart posture, I’ve found that simply spending time with Him softens my heart and makes an ongoing conversation with Him more effortless.

Worship music

Yet another practical tip I can share for growing good inside your heart so what flows from it is life-giving rather than criticizing, is to play worship music. Words are powerful, and filling my mind with truth and promises of God through songs means that these are the words that play on repeat in my head.

Self-care

As much as wish it weren’t true, when I’m running on empty, it’s far easier to notice the negative. Having healthy self-care practices are important. Though self-care rhythms cannot replace soul-care, they open the door for us to be whole and healthy in all of our relationships.

Rest

Perhaps the most important, though perhaps also the hardest for me, self-care practice is rest. Reprioritizing sleep and activities that replenish you are critical if you are trying to stop criticizing and live with more grace.

Exercise

Getting my heart rate high clears my mind and helps me be more present the rest of my day. I often don’t have as much time as I’d like to exercise, but 10 minutes of high intensity interval training (HIIT) like tabatas works well for me.

Foods that fuel

In the same vein, eating foods that fuel rather than drain me helps me feel less edgy and overstretched. If eating better sounds overwhelming, take it one small choice at a time.

Embrace the fine-tuning

Are there ways of letting God shape your heart that you would add to this list? What do you do that postures you to lean into Him with openness and humility? If these things are not something you regularly practice, how can you give these practices greater priority in your day?

It is God who “[gives us] grace to guard [our] lips from speaking what is wrong” (Psalm 141:3 TPT). It is His grace poured out for us that authors the grace we can then extend to others. As we grow in missional living rhythms, let’s keep offering God our soft and available hearts. The more He fine-tunes us on the inside, the easier it will be to listen to His gentle voice which speaks only truth and turn down the volume on the critical inner voice that leads us to criticize with our words.

Would you join me in prayer?

Jesus, You see our hearts and our desire to stop criticizing and instead love with grace like You do. Would You have Your way within us? We invite You into the deep and hidden places in our hearts. May Psalm 51:10 be our ready prayer: “Create a new, clean heart within me. Fill me with pure thoughts and holy desires, ready to please you” (TPT). In Your holy and precious name, Jesus, we pray. Amen.

P.S. Did you know The Uncommon Normal is also a podcast? Tune in on Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, or Spotify.

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