How to Say Hallelujah No Matter What Happens
The head doctor met my husband and I outside the NICU room where our daughter lay fighting for her life on the other side. In a hushed voice the doctor explained the diagnosis, the medications, the various plans the team had already formulated, and told us to be ready to make decisions. I didn’t understand all the words but had watched enough medical dramas to want to ask, “Is she stable?”
The doctor looked into my eyes and stated, “That is not the word I would use.”
“Can we see her?”
“Yes, but you can’t touch her and you can’t talk. And you need to be ready to make some decisions. Your daughter is on death’s doorstep. The next 24 hours are critical.”
Hallelujah No Matter What
After 40 hours of labor, we’d had our first child, Halle Ruth. Halle, a short form of Hallelujah, meaning “praise the Lord.” She’d been rushed off and we had barely gotten to hold her or gaze into her eyes for more than a few seconds. Over the next several weeks, time stood still as we dropped everything to scrub in and be there with our child. Each night we would go home to an empty house. There was a nursery, ready and waiting to hold the laughter and life that a new baby brings to a home.
I could barely go into her room for more than five minutes before the emotions and tears would spill over. I unconsciously thought if I didn’t fall so in love with her, didn’t get too attached, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much to lose her. I knew that after losing a child, many marriages ended in divorce. I knew there could be permanent brain damage and physical consequences.
But God had a cloud of witnesses, and so many prayer warriors, encouraging me and protecting my heart and thoughts. Instead of spiraling into the what ifs, I kept coming back to the lyrics of a song: “He gives and takes away, still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord.” I so badly wanted to be able to say blessed be the name of the Lord, Hallelujah, praise the Lord, no matter what happened with Halle.
Comfort in the Rocky Journey
Halle’s heart and lungs hadn’t properly responded to being outside the womb. They were still trying to work as if she was in utero. ECMO (extracorporeal membrane oxygenation) is basically baby life support; it takes blood out of the body, oxygenates it, and puts it back in. We were told there was a 50/50 chance her body would respond.
We were at the only hospital in the state that had the equipment she needed and we were told how fortunate we were to have given birth there. Otherwise, she would have needed to be medi-flighted, and there wouldn’t have been enough time. God was at work. He was making a way. A chest tube fixed her collapsed lung and she started to progress as they wanted.
She’d had so much medication that her recovery included withdrawals and was a long, bumpy road. Her body had been through a lot of trauma, and she had a lot to say about it, mainly in the form of blood-curdling screaming. Her first year was rough for everyone. She was inconsolable. She cried and screamed All. The. Time.
I would be up with her in the night and plead with God for her to settle, to be ok, to sleep. As I prayed and read God’s Word, He started revealing Himself to me as He tends to do in His Word. And then I started to see the nightly wakings as a blessing—something to look forward to.
I’d thank God that He awoke me to His presence. Not that circumstances were better, but I was looking past that to God and taking comfort in Him. In His presence. His goodness. After all, we are told to “rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV).
Surrendering to His Sovereignty
I could hear Him calling me. Stop trying to fix everything and just come to Me, be with Me, abide in Me. I have set a table before you, come feast with me (Psalm 23:5). I have so much to offer you, so much sustenance, I want to show you. I want your eyes to see, your ears to hear. Come taste and see that I am good (Psalm 34:8).
Don’t “be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink or wear” (Matthew 6:25 ESV) . . . or when you will sleep . . . do not be anxious . . . “but seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33 ESV). Just focus on Me and things will take care of themselves.
I found myself in a sweet place of surrender, accepting God’s sovereignty, and leaning into “Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done” (Matthew 6:10 KJV).
Halle was not merely a series of diagnosis, not a problem to be fixed. She was and is fearfully and wonderfully made imago dei. She is a blessing, a child God has put in my care to love in and through all her many challenges. And for sure a sanctifying tool for my soul!
It’s been ten years since that traumatic time in the NICU and I’m continually surrendering to what God has entrusted to me and often find myself thinking, I do not know what to do but my eyes are on you (2 Chronicles 20:10). Halle and I even began a gratitude journal, tracking each day’s gifts we’re thankful for.
Meet Julie McClain
Julie McClain holds a BA in Theology from Colorado Christian University with an emphasis in church history. She also studied at Oxford, where she quickly fell in love with the Latin language and its history. Julie has taught Latin to students of all ages for over a decade, and currently teaches at The Academy of Classical Christian Studies. Julie is an avid audiobook listener and enjoys traveling, studying the etymology of words, and adventuring with her husband and four children. Dominus illuminatio mea (“The Lord is my light”).
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
