How to Find Gratitude in the Midst of Cancer
Breathing a sigh of relief, I sat in the waiting room, hiding behind the face mask I donned during a brief respite from expectations of small talk.
It seemed that everything I once knew had changed. A few short weeks after an eight-hour oral cancer surgery, avoiding speaking was my sole goal, especially with strangers. Recurring requests to repeat myself became something I dreaded.
A sagging eyelid, droopy mouth, swollen tongue, and neck reflected images and sounds of a woman I didn’t recognize. Not to mention the added diagnosis of a second cancer–melanoma on my arm, and an autoimmune disease–all in three short months.
So much of who I knew myself to be was challenged. My true identity and value was challenged. Meaningless platitudes frequently flitted through my mind–“beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” or “beauty comes from within.”
Beauty? Looking like this? Feeling like this? Doubts crowded my mind; discouragement clouded my thinking. By focusing on the negative, its dark, wet blanket of shame submersed any hope of the positive.
I began imagining rejection. I doubted. My confidence waned. I wondered: Will my husband still be attracted to me? Will I be shunned or accepted by others when they see me or hear me speak? Will I be able to teach, counsel, or hold a conversation where I’d be understood? Never-ending questions cascaded through my mind making me want to hide from the world.
Glimmers of Hope
I settled into the patient’s chair as my surgeon inspected the donor site where the team of surgeons removed a large patch of skin at my wrist, along with the nerve that ran up to my elbow, to reconstruct almost half my tongue. Calm filled the room as he concentrated on cleaning the wound. Breaking the silence, I commented, “I’m amazed at how our body heals.” His gentle reply changed my outlook and my life.
“We were designed that way . . .”
The next thought that came to mind was “how you are today is not how you’ll be tomorrow.” It dawned on me that if God designed our bodies to heal then He also designed all parts of us to heal–body, soul, and spirit. With it came the tiniest glimmer of hope that healing is still happening.
Much-needed reminders about the goodness of God bubbled up in my heart, bringing gratitude to the forefront. As I reflected, I recalled how healing is part of God’s original design, which includes being whole–body, soul, and spirit.
I’m not sure about you but when I’m preoccupied by distress or pain, I am easily distracted from the truth and struggle to be grateful. In such moments I need reminders that God is good and that He is faithful.
The Goodness and Faithfulness of God Cultivates Gratitude
God has an amazing ability to help us see good and experience good even in the most difficult of journeys and often uses faithful people to bring us new insight, compassion, and gratitude.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28, NIV
I knew this verse well yet for months I mistakenly believed it was meant for everyone else–not for me.
I was stuck in my pain and circumstances and, instead of looking at healing holistically, I let the pain of my body influence where I placed my focus–solely on my physical healing–how I sounded and looked to others.
Yet, I’m much more than my body.
Wholeness is not about being perfect, gorgeous, or like everyone else. Wholeness is about God’s transforming presence in our hearts that brings new hope and the beautiful by-product of the fruit of the spirit, which He cultivates in us–”love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23, NIV).
Oddly enough, I feel more whole than I did before my surgery which happened three short years ago. Yes, I still have a slight speech impediment, lots of scars, some physical limitations, and even some unwanted recurring spasms from radiation treatment, yet I’m filled with gratitude and hope. Now I’m fully confident that I am deeply loved, of great value in God’s eyes, and am very grateful for the insight, trust, and wholeness that He has nurtured in me.
Isaiah 61:1-3 reminds us that in our darkest moments, Jesus came to restore us and bring us comfort, healing, freedom, and a heart of joy and praise. As our hearts and minds are transformed, they become filled with truth, wholeness, and an enduring hope that we are deeply beloved just as we are because of Whose we are.
Meet Fern Buszowski
Fern Buszowski, MALM, MA Counseling, is a published author, blogger, public speaker, and thriving cancer survivor. She has spent most of her career equipping others to grow, develop, and find hope through counseling, workshops, programs, and training, locally and internationally. Fern is passionate about encouraging others to cultivate curiosity, choose hope, seek wholeness, and develop life practices that nurture their souls, uncovering all that God as in store for them. She shares stories of hope at events, through podcasts, and more recently on the TV show Legacy Makers. She is the author of the book Embrace Life, Embrace Hope: Cultivating Wholeness and Resilience through the Unexpected.
Where to find her . . .
- Website: Hope Blooming
- Blog: Cultivating Wholeness Along the Way
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
