How to Employ the Power of the No: Margin + Mission

No can be the hardest word in the world for me to say. Can you relate? It feels selfish or strict or combative, and I’d rather go with the flow and say all the yeses and never rock the boat. But I’ve found that all the yeses make the boat sink, and a sinking boat cannot do what is boat is meant to do.

A story Lysa Terkeurst described in The Best Yes helped me better see what happens when I give all the yeses instead of my best ones. She talks of a visit to an area that had recently received a massive snowfall. Typically, when the snow falls thick and heavy, leaves have already fallen from the trees and the snow falls through the branches. But this particular snow storm had struck early—before the leaves had dropped. Because the leaves were collecting the snow, the more the snow fell, the heavier the branches became, and because they were not designed to bear this burden, they snapped. Large branches littered the ground and a massive overhaul was needed to clean the area.

Have you ever felt like this? Like you’ve nodded yes—at least on the outside—too many times, and then you’ve snapped, and your boat is now silently sinking?

Relationships over activities

A couple weeks ago we talked about how missional living is an identity not an activity. It’s not a compiled list of activities we do, but rather, it’s a deep and sure knowing who we are in Christ, and living out our identity as sons and daughters who are now part of the family mission to declare God’s glory everywhere we go.

The danger with viewing mission as just activities is that it leaves us running but points us in the wrong direction. And, my friend, the direction is of far greater importance than the pace.

Activities cause us to focus on our ability to perform and to take on more. We assume an increasingly heavier load because we feel we ought to, or it’s expected of us, or the swift pace affords a cushion between us and how we are really doing.

When our focus is on the activities themselves, it’s also hard to differentiate between the yeses we feel obligated to and the ones that are “best yeses.” All our doing and working seemingly moves us toward the same goal: a life that looks on the outside to imitate what Christ would do.

But let’s look deeper. Jesus was both available and interruptible, and He remained focused on His relationship with His Father as His primary concern. He operated out of a deep knowing of who He was and why He was here, and He remained strongly tethered to Father God.

Again and over again we see how Jesus withdrew from the crowds to spend time connecting with God. This was a rhythm that sustained him, kept the most important things most important.

In her newly released book, Around the Clock Mom, Sarah Butterfield reflects on Jesus’s response in Matthew 14 to being followed by the crowds as he sought solace in a quiet, alone space. She writes: “Finally Jesus is able to claim his alone time! Eventually, he is able to accomplish what he set out to do, but in the meantime, he treated the interruption as if it was just as important as his agenda.”

Jesus often saw interruptions as “best yeses,” yet he also never lost the connection with his Father that He kept strong through a habit of withdrawing and spending time alone with Him. Both examples of Jesus’s “best yeses” are relational, and if we see them in the light, it’s easier to see how they complement—not contradict—each other.

As Jesus seamlessly navigated his dual priorities of loving His Father well and loving the people around him well, He taught us that both are needed. He didn’t spend all of his time disappearing from the crowd, nor did He neglect His time in prayer apart from the crowds. His time with God moved Him to the action of loving people well, and partnering with His Father in this way only strengthened their bond. Again and over again, Jesus demonstrated that the “best yeses” are often relational.

Yes or no

Keeping close these two greatest priorities—loving God and loving people—can also help us filter through what to say no to and which are our “best yeses.”

A question we might ask ourselves is will this yes help or hinder relationships? If saying yes doesn’t strengthen a relationship—with God and/or with others—let’s dig deeper into our motivations. This may be an area to employ a no.

We need white space, or margin, in order to nurture a missional mindset. When we slow our pace we are better equipped to listen and are more open to responding to the little promptings of the Holy Spirit. Because mission flows from what God is cultivating on the inside of us, we must lean into our relationship with Him so what is expressed through our words and actions reflects His heart for people.

Saying no to the things that keep us from being present relationally will set us on a new course. Margin likewise opens the door for us to be available and see even interruptions as gifts to embrace.

When the choice is muddier

Sometimes the choice between yes and no is far less clear, though. How do we differentiate between the nos that open doors and the ones that close doors? How do we remain open to the gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit and yet not burnout by taking on what is not ours to take?

Lysa Terkeurst explains in The Best Yes how she weighs the resources she has to offer in four distinct areas in her evaluation of whether an opportunity is the right one for her to take. This sequence is one I’ve found insightful and extremely helpful when facing tough yes or no decisions. The question Lysa reflects upon is “Could this fit physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally?”

I’ve run my own decisions through Lysa’s question then seen in the backwards view that only God could have known how a yes that wasn’t mine to give would have reduced my margin for the yeses He was asking me to give—the ones that, because He was leading me towards them, were “best yeses.”

Decision-making hope

Is there a decision that’s felt paralyzing to even think about? Do you feel like you just don’t have the connection to God that you need in order to hear Him clearly?

May I encourage you with this: a yes is more powerful in the presence of nos. If we say yes to everything, both our relationship with God and our relationship with others begins to suffer. We can’t—and are not meant to—say yes to everything.

So let’s choose our yeses—not cautiously, but wisely. Let’s not be afraid of the no, for the right nos make room for the right yeses.

The most important decision we can make as we evaluate our own decisions is to lean into Christ. From His Spirit flows all of the wisdom we need to make the best decisions, in Him we find who we truly are—beloved sons and daughters with a mission to make Him known, and in Him we find all that we need to live a life marked by mission.

Let’s follow the example Jesus set to create margin in our schedules so that we can more freely say yes to relationships—our relationship with God and our relationships with others. Drawing near to spend time with God will fuel you to walk out mission—declaring His glory and pointing others towards Him everywhere you go.

I’d like to share one final encouragement with you from Ephesians chapter 3 before we close.

Then, by constantly using your faith, the life of Christ will be released deep inside you, and the resting place of his love will become the very source and root of your life. Then you will be empowered to discover what every holy one experiences—the great magnitude of the astonishing love of Christ in all its dimensions. How deeply intimate and far-reaching is his love! How enduring and inclusive it is! Endless love beyond measurement that transcends our understanding—this extravagant love pours into you until you are filled to overflowing with the fullness of God!

This is verses 17-19 in The Passion Translation.

When we are filled to overflowing, the extravagant love of God can’t help but to ripple out beyond us into our homes, neighborhoods, and communities.

Jesus, thank you for showing us how to say yes to margin so we are available to say yes to relationships. Help us to lean into You for the wisdom to make the best decisions. In Your precious and holy name, Lord, we pray. Amen.

P.S. Did you know The Uncommon Normal is also a podcast? Tune in on Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, or Spotify.

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