I was tired and broken. As a pediatric nurse practitioner and nurse leader, the trauma of all that was COVID-19 traumatized my spirit and crushed my soul. I wasn’t myself. My husband and four teenaged children watched me mope around the house with a perpetual heaviness in my spirit.

As restrictions began to lift I found myself at Disney World trudging around with my family in desperate search of laughter and a seemingly elusive lightness of spirit when I heard a beautiful voice begin to drift over the crowd as a melody.

The song was familiar, but the tender, soulful sound seemed out of place at a bustling amusement park. I stopped and listened more closely.

Wide-eyed, I realized it was CeCe Winans, one of my favorite Gospel singers, and she was belting out the song Goodness of God over the loudspeakers. As I realized she was singing live on a stage just ahead, in that moment something in me broke and I literally ran to the front of the crowd. Tears started pouring down my face, and my heart felt desperate . . . for what, I didn’t even know.

I closed my eyes and listened to the lyrics.

All my life you have been faithful.

All my life you have been so, so good.

Is God Really Good in All Seasons?

I felt my thoughts come to a screeching halt.

Wait.

Did I really believe this?!

That God had been faithful and good ALL my life?

Scenes from my life and memories long forgotten began to play on the movie screen in my mind’s eye at warp speed. I saw my financial struggles and lack of support, working three jobs to barely pass nursing school. I saw my relationship with my parents marked by conflict and longing in the presence of generational trauma, now broken beyond repair and leaving me essentially orphaned.

I saw my children with severe, chronic health conditions that caused seasons of worries and hospital stays. I saw spiritual betrayal and brokenness from leaders I thought I could trust. I saw my husband experience a severe and unexpected illness requiring dozens of surgeries that led to disability and disfigurement. I saw the physical, social, and emotional carnage of COVID-19.

I felt despair as waves of anxiety flooded my mind and roots of bitterness threatened to overtake my soul.

Reasons to Give Thanks

But then I heard in my heart these words from Philippians 4:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

vs. 6-7, ESV

I realized I didn’t have to be thankful FOR everything that had happened, but I could be thankful IN everything that had happened.

Gratitude began to infuse my spirit and I realized that my financial and academic struggles in nursing school led to an unexpected academic career as a successful professor, helping students who were just like me. My broken relationship with my parents had made me a better mom and given me the courage to share my journey of healing through an unexpected book writing adventure that is reaching literally tens of thousands around the world.

The chronic health conditions my children and husband had experienced shaped our lives in ways we would never change because it had grown our faith and helped us minister to others. It even led to my daughter choosing her own nursing career. Our spiritual betrayal taught us to depend on God alone as the one who will never change and is always faithful. It strengthened our faith and pushed us out of our comfort zone.

As a nurse, I know the science of intentional gratitude. It lowers the risk of anxiety, depression, heart attack, stroke, high blood pressure, and provides a myriad of other health benefits. My mind made the connection that being grateful IN these circumstances was not only guarding my proverbial heart and mind as in my emotions and thoughts, but gratitude was literally guarding my physical heart and brain in Christ Jesus.

Standing at the front of the crowd that day (with my family in the back wondering what in the world had happened to me), I felt my burdens eased by a grateful spirit as a peace that passes understanding flooded over in me. I had much for which to be thankful. I was still standing. My family gathered behind me.

I closed my eyes and began to sing.

All my life you have been faithful.

All my life you have been so, so good.

With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God.

Meet Jessica Peck

Where to find her . . .

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

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If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.