How to Ask For Help (And Other Good-For-You Things That Are Hard to Do)

That cruddy feeling when you know you need to do something and you really don’t want to. Asking for help can feel like that, can’t it?

I’ve been there. Out of that one ingredient but still hesitant to ask a neighbor if they have any to spare. Strapped and stressed but too prideful to admit I can’t do it all.

Last week I put the finishing rhinestones on my daughter’s dance costume for her solo. I was grateful—that I finished in time, that she loves it, and for all the minds and hands that helped.

When you’d need to watch all the YouTube tutorials to remember how to work a sewing machine, you hire someone smarter than you to sew a side skirt onto the leotard.

And when you’ve never customized a costume, you take allllll the tips from kind-hearted dance moms who know far more about it than you do.

It was a lesson in asking for help.

The cost of not asking

It’s one thing to hypothetically knock on a neighbor’s door and let your vulnerability show. We can talk ourselves out of it before we take one step out of the door. But it’s entirely different to slip on your boots and wade into the uncomfortable waters of being human and also willing to admit it.

Leave it to Shannon Martin to perfectly phrase what so many of us feel:

If we allow ourselves to move through this world capable, strong, and wealthy, never needing anything from those around us, perfectly proud of our ability to take care of ourselves, it will be to the detriment of our truest, tenderest beating hearts, whose longing for closeness with others requires constant protection.

Start With Hello, p. 140

Truth is that our self-assured independence costs us. Our need-nothing mentality builds walls and traps us behind them.

We’re lonely. Perhaps more so than any other generation. Surrounded by people but not deeply known.

We ache. Dream. Pray for friends. Community. Belonging.

And the answer may be one call for help away.

How to ask for help

Can we get real practical today? How do you ask for help when even the thought turns your throat dry?

1. Admit what you don’t know.

Yeah, I know. The beginner label is hard to wear. We’d rather keep quiet about what’s outside our expertise.

Cue Emily P. Freeman’s calming, gentle voice leading us in this prayer:

Oh God,

         We confess our longing to be the smartest person in the room.

         Reveal to us the true fear hiding beneath the surface.

         We are afraid of not having the answer.

         We are afraid of looking like a fool.

         We are afraid of being a beginner.

The Next Right Thing, p. 69

Acknowledge the root of your hesitation, invite God to guide you, and open up. Admit out loud what you don’t know yet. Where you’re unsure what to do.

This is you breaking the ice. Putting fear in its place. Opening up so you can let others in.

2. Ask. In clear and kind language, and with humility.

Sometimes you expect your people to know what you need without you putting it into words. You think they should know when your heart is pounding because you haven’t slowed down for hours and still have a lot to do. But the truth is that no one is a mind reader. It’s not fair—to you or them—to expect it.

In the same vein, our neighbor doesn’t know that we ran out of powdered sugar, won’t make the afternoon school bus, or need our dog let out unless we’re brave enough to ask.

Asking for help means putting into actual words what you need. Clarity, and often brevity, is kindness. Humility is crucial.

3. Stop talking.

Ever try to outtalk the awkward? You find yourself talking about everything and nothing at the exact same time. Because silence is uncomfortable. Also, no one can tell us no if they can’t get a word in.

Awkward is just part of asking for help. We’re daring to be honest and real, and most of us are still figuring this out. Give yourself grace to be rusty, and let the silence exhale.

Now is when you listen. If applicable, take notes.

4. Always say thanks.

Even when the answer is an “I’m so sorry, but I can’t this time,” follow up your ask for help with a sincere thank you. Saying thanks tells them that they’re more important to you than the thing you were asking for. That you value the relationship. It keeps the door open for them to ask you for something down the road.

Attitude matters.

Let’s circle back to humility because perhaps even more important than how we ask for help is the attitude with which we approach the other person. When we get the attitude right, we learn we can do many good-for-you things that are hard to do. Like apologizing. Showing up. Staying.

Humility breeds curiosity and curiosity pulls people together. And we’ve got to get close enough to see each.

Shannan Martin puts it this way:

We have to come in close enough for the best of us to rub off on each other.

Start With Hello, p. 149

We can stay acquaintances when there’s distance. But friends we let close enough to truly see us—our forgetfulness and inadequacies and need to know we’re not alone.

Let’s pray.

Jesus, we like to have it all together. Convince ourselves we’re okay on our own. But deep down we know we’re not.

Show us how to embrace humility. Be honest with ourselves. You. The people in our lives. Help us to open up and let others into. To help others and also to ask for help.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

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