This Is How Gratitude and Love Languages Saved Our Marriage
When I looked at my beloved husband, my eyes couldn’t meet with his like they used to.
When I thought of him, I would think of how things were unfair, how he didn’t notice me and all that I did. I was homeschooling our children, making him meals for him to take to work, fresh meals when he came home, and the list went on in my mind.
He always wanted me there to help him. Help with this project or that, and he didn’t seem to notice me, the me that was crying out. All of this took place within my mind in a matter of days.
Distance and bitterness took root.
I was faced with feelings of unappreciation and my demeanor was changing quickly.
How could we move forward from here?
The Languages of Love Shift
Have you read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? He shares a list of the five ways we can show and receive love: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. I laugh all the time and say that he forgot one . . . sushi. I tell my husband regularly that sushi is my love language.
One of the things that Gary talks about is how the love languages can change depending on the season of life, or if one language is being neglected completely. (If you haven’t read the book, you definitely should!) More often than not, the person you married will show their love in the complete opposite way than the way you want to receive it.
Are you catching what was happening between my husband and me?
We were expressing completely different love languages to one another.
Shifting the Marriage Mentally
Two things dawned on me. The first was that the love language I was longing for at this particular season in my life was words of affirmation . . . not sushi, lol. I felt loved by him simply noticing me and appreciating me. So when this didn’t take place, I thought I was unloved.
Second, my husband’s love language was acts of service. He longed to do chores together and for me to go out of my way to help him. This is how he felt loved. He would ask me to join him on his projects as a way of saying, “I love you and want to spend this time with you. This is how I feel loved.”
He didn’t even know what was happening inside me, because he was feeling loved and on top of the world. When I shared with him how I was feeling, he was blindsided! His love language was being met, but mine wasn’t.
We couldn’t keep living this way and we both had to change something.
Marriage is Heart Work
But God had to do some heart work in me first. The Lord was putting my thoughts and words under the fire of refinement, much like gold is purified through flame (1 Peter 1:7).
Thought by thought, I presented all of it before the Lord. As I mentioned that my husband didn’t notice my hard work, the Lord gently reminded me that my identity and worth don’t come from human recognition, but from being His beloved daughter.
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
– Galatians 1:10, NIV
This doesn’t mean that affirmation from my husband wasn’t important; God designed marriage to be a place of mutual encouragement and support. But it meant my heart needed to be anchored first in Christ’s love for me. I needed to remember that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) and that my service flows from a heart already filled by God’s love, not from a desperate need to earn love through performance.
God also convicted me about the bitterness I was harboring. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV). I realized that my unmet expectations had become an idol; I was demanding that my husband love me perfectly in ways that only Christ could.
The Lord reminded me that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:31-32), and just as Christ lavishly loves His bride despite our failures, I was called to love my husband with that same grace.
Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.
– Proverbs 16:24, NLT
So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.
– 1 Thessalonians 5:11, NLT
God wanted to protect my heart from bitterness, and through these verses, He led me to start speaking encouraging words to my beloved husband. As I made the choice to focus on gratitude rather than grievances, something beautiful happened. I started noticing all the ways he was already showing love, through his actions, his provision, his desire to include me in his projects.
The Fruit of a Grateful Heart
What I discovered is profoundly biblical: “In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18, NLT). Gratitude isn’t just a nice sentiment. It’s God’s will for us, and it transforms our hearts from the inside out.
As I thanked my husband, my heart softened, and I wasn’t frustrated anymore. The gospel truth that I am already completely loved and accepted by God freed me to love my husband without keeping score. With my new words toward my husband, his demeanor toward me began to respond likewise.
When I finally shared my struggling thoughts with him, he received it better than I would have ever imagined because my heart was filled with gratitude toward him rather than accusation. How true that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, NIV).
Gratitude and kind words not only healed my own heart, but were also sweet to my husband’s soul and body. Kind words and thoughts, rooted in the gospel truth of God’s love for us both, shifted the trajectory of our marriage.
This journey taught me that healthy marriages require both partners to die to self daily, just as Christ calls us to take up our cross and follow Him (Luke 9:23). When we approach our marriages with hearts full of God’s love rather than hearts demanding love, we create space for grace, growth, and genuine intimacy to flourish.
Meet Olesya Kayton
Olesya Kayton is a homeschool momma of four, theology lover, painter, podcaster, and founder of Humble and Radiant. Originally from Russia, she’s lived in America for almost 30 years now. Olesya has always felt a pull towards knowing God. He has brought her through and out of so much, and she can’t imagine wanting to do anything without Him there with her. Because she knows what life is like without Him, she clings to His love and words like water and air.
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
