Marriage is hard. It holds many great joys, but its challenges shouldn’t be underestimated. Many marriages get to the point where it seems there is no way forward, no hope for the future. I know that mine did.

I never thought this would be my marriage

Looking back, I recognize that I was in an abusive marriage for years. Never did I imagine that I would find myself in that place. NEVER did I imagine that I would be the abuser.

I witnessed a lot of anger and unkindness in marriages when I was young. As I watched, I knew it was wrong.  But I found myself years down the track treating my husband in ways I had sworn I never would.

I have a fiery personality, strong will and short fuse, especially under certain pressures. After the bliss of the honey moon period, we quickly found a groove that I felt worked for us. I was the boss, and my loving, gentle husband was there to fulfill all the desires of my heart. I would use my mood, words and tone like carefully sharpened weapons to get what I wanted. This worked for years.

Help needed

It took a blunt conversation with my sister for me to finally realize that my husband’s cries for help were legitimate, because on my end, there wasn’t a problem. I was getting everything that I wanted. Realizing the depth of the mess we were in, face-to-face with my emotionally abusive behaviors, we sought counseling.

Things started to change. I joyfully told friends how it took me less than a week to admit that I was treating my husband badly, and to apologize and ask for God’s help. This was certainly progress. But I still experienced deep, passionate rage at times that seemed to consume me.

I have a sound sensitivity issue, often triggered by my husband, that would suddenly ignite my anger. This rage felt like a lion, crouching in the long grass, ready to pounce at any moment. Even though I had made so much progress I despaired that I would never change, that God was not strong enough to help me. I was desperately looking for a silver bullet, a quick fix for this painful problem.

Wise words from a friend

One day, over a meal, a friend shared about his struggles with anger early in his marriage. I was shocked to hear that God had transformed him from a window-smashing teen to the gentle, loving husband that I knew. I had to know more. I explained my situation. He didn’t hesitate to give me this simple piece of advice: Pray and fast. Not the quick fix I wanted! I hated fasting (it made me hangry). Couldn’t he just lay his hands on me, pray, and fix me? In desperation, I gave his advice a go.

It took a week. A week of bathing myself in the truths God has given us about anger in his Word. A week of turning my hunger for food into a desperate hunger for God to come and change me. A week of realizing I had been grieving over my anger for the effect it was having on me, not because it was offending a holy God and affecting my life-giving relationship with him.

And in the midst of it, I heard God speak. He told me that I needed to change my thinking towards my husband when I was triggered. I had never realized that when he made these sounds I would think shamefully unkind things about him in response. God told me that instead of this, every time I was triggered I needed to think of something in that moment that I was grateful for about my husband. And that was it. I finally found the victory I had been searching for in something so simple.

Now every time I’m triggered I have a choice of where I will let my mind go: one way breathes life into my marriage, the other, death.

The point of it all

I wasn’t cured of my issues with sound. For a time I still longed for this. I wondered why God wouldn’t just take it away. Wouldn’t that give him the most glory?

No.

In this life, he is glorified in my weakness. In my desperate daily reliance on him as I face this battle, this moment-to-moment choice, of gratitude or groaning. It still seems strange to me that something so simple could change my marriage, and my life. But it makes so much sense. From creation, to today, to the other end of eternity, I see God at work for one purpose: to be known in all of his glory by those he has made, so that we would open our mouths to thank and praise him. Living this way changes everything.

Meet Jodi Cooper

Where to find her . . .

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

My vision for this gratitude series is to help others embrace a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only their own life, but the lives of their neighbors as well.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

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If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.