It’s the Startling Truth: Gratitude and Fear Cannot Coexist
As the words poured out of my husband’s mouth, they hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew things were not as they should be but I did not expect this. Would divorce really become my reality? I felt fear begin to paralyze every part of my body. My functions were quickly dysregulated, from my altered breathing to my inability to string two sentences together. I knew there had to be a practical solution, but as I searched the crevices of my brain all I found were fear and panic.
This was my first experience with what I would later learn as the acute stress response. When we are exposed to perceived danger, our body has an instant but unconscious reaction in which stress hormones are released and blood flow redirects to support essential functions of survival. Our pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for logic, processing, and language skills is shut down as our amygdala instinctively responds. This emergency response system was designed by God for our survival, but in that moment it seemed to be doing just the opposite. I could not survive if I could not logically think, process, or communicate.
A Prayer God Loves to Answer
What I didn’t realize at that time was this exact moment was the answer to a prayer I had forgotten about nearly a year earlier. To say my marriage was hard would be a significant understatement. There was one particularly difficult week the summer before when a stomach bug tore through our house. After missing a few days of work to care for myself then our oldest daughter, I had been back to work only a few hours before receiving the call to pick up our youngest daughter.
I needed help so I made a call to my husband for back-up. The conversation that followed left me sitting in an empty parking lot crying out to God in desperation. “It’s not supposed to be like this, God. I can’t do this anymore. If you’re not going to change my husband’s heart, change mine.”
I can tell you there’s one prayer God loves to answer: the prayer of a desperate soul crying out for heart change. I laid it all out for God in the deserted parking lot that day then drove off to pick up my daughter. I made it through that week and several more that followed, but here I was nearly a year later now, wondering why God seemed to be ignoring my prayers for my marriage as conversations had turned harsher and divorce seemed inevitable.
We would remain married for three more years but God was doing just what I asked Him to do: He was changing MY heart. He was not turning my heart against my husband, but softening my heart to grow closer to God Himself, increasing my dependence on Him, opening my eyes to the reality of my circumstances. It became necessary to focus on the positives while surrounded by so much negativity. Prompted by the Holy Spirit, I started listing three things I was grateful for each day.
Gratitude and Fear Cannot Coexist
One of the greatest realizations was fear and gratitude could not coexist. When we experience gratitude, our brains release neurotransmitters associated with feelings of pleasure, happiness, and well-being. These chemicals promote a sense of relaxation and contentment. Fear, on the other hand, triggers the release of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol that prepare the body for a “fight or flight” response by increasing heart rate, blood pressure, and respiratory rate.
Our emotions are dictated by our thoughts, which is why it’s imperative we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). We can easily become overwhelmed with fear when we let our thoughts drift to the unknown rather than what is known. Fear is focused on the future and what COULD happen whereas gratitude requires a present focus on what IS happening. Therefore, by focusing on all we have to be grateful for each day rather than focusing on the unknowns of tomorrow,
we can minimize the impact of fear.
Don’t get me wrong, there were several times fear took over and it was a daily struggle but by staying connected to God, I was able to find something to be grateful for each day. Some days it was a beautiful sunrise, morning hugs from my daughter, or a butterfly fluttering by my car window to remind me God was with me and I was never alone.
Although my marriage eventually ended, a focus on gratitude afforded a view into the unknown through a lens of possibility rather than fear and dread. Leaning into God’s truth daily provided many opportunities to practice gratitude rather than giving in to fear during one of the most difficult seasons of my life and I pray the same for you.
Meet Heather Jeffery
Heather Jeffery is a Christian writer, mentor, and certified trauma and abuse mental health coach. She is passionate about empowering women with Biblical truth as they link arms to seek clarity, and specializes in emotional abuse and divorce healing. Heather believes our stories have purpose and are meant to be shared to encourage others just as we are encouraged by those in the Bible.
She lives in Maryland with her two teenage daughters where she also works as a physical therapist and enjoys spending time outdoors, especially near the water. You can receive truth filled encouragement by subscribing at heatherjeffery.com and follow her writing on Instagram @straightenyourcrown.1.
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
