It was a faded silver Town and Country van. Inside the ceiling was pock-marked with staples and toddler boot prints. The temporary license paper was shredded by dogs, and it broke down three times that winter. Other times it made its journey on prayer more than mechanics and gasoline. I sold it for half of what I paid for it. It took far more money to maintain it than I really could afford at the time. I owned it for a mere three months, and hated every minute of it. I am so grateful for it.

Hate and gratitude can coexist

Sometimes teaching on gratitude can lead to guilt when you don’t feel content or happy about certain things. My experience with that van has taught me that I can hate something and also be grateful for it. That van gave me a lot of trouble, yet it also gave me so many lessons in faith and trusting the kindness of strangers. The people who helped me purchase the van, who sheltered my family while we waited for tow trucks, who gave me rides and mechanical assistance, those people showered me with the goodness of God.

It is easy to be grateful for things that make us happy, and we should all take time to give thanks for those things. More often, though, I need to be grateful for things that are hard and unpleasant. Gratitude did not change how I felt about that van (and to be honest how I feel about vehicles in general). What it changes is how I value it. That van gave me a richer faith than a perfect vehicle could.

Joy and contentment will not be forced. They come with time and practice. Being grateful is the practice, just like scales in music. Ask any musician, there are always foundational practices they do everyday in order for them to make melodies that inspire. Sometimes I berate myself for hating certain things, but then it prompts me to think about how to be grateful.

Reframe the things you hate

Gratitude helps me to reframe the things I hate. For instance, the dishes are a task that I don’t find any joy in. However, I find much to be grateful for in the dishes. The proof of meals cooked and savored. Hot, running water and lavender dish soap that aid the process. That feeling of relief when I can drain the sink at the end, and lotion to soothe my dried out hands. Constantly complaining about it would make me more miserable. Gratitude helps me reframe its value.

Any time I see a Town and Country van I shudder a little, and also remember:

That van took me across four state lines to see my husband graduate basic training.

I drove it to the Atlantic Ocean and over the Potomac River.

Its wheels took us through cotton fields and complicated interstates.

The kids and I were able to explore the cities of Washington D.C. and Baltimore.

We brought home a tiny Christmas tree to our tiny rental in Maryland.

There were tears and prayers, sleeping babies and family reunions in that van.

I bought it after a cross country train ride and sold it before my first flight with three kids.

I hate that van and I am grateful for it.

I am grateful for the uncle who helped me through the process of finding, buying, licensing, and insuring it.

I am grateful for the cousins who took me to the Carmax to sell it the night before my flight.

I am grateful for the random gifts of finances I was given to help out in the time of need.

I am grateful for the adventures our family was able to have.

I hate that van and I am grateful for it.

When I sold that van, I kept one of the spare keys. It is in my desk drawer as a constant reminder to be grateful for the things I hate.

Meet Caitlin Mallery

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.