I often resent my children. I know I’m not supposed to say that, but it’s true. As precious and adorable as they are, and as much as I love them and would never actually wish them away, I also regularly find myself irritated by their presence. Instead of chubby cheeks and gap-toothed smiles, I see endless messes and eye rolls. Instead of giggles and unbearably cute mispronunciations, I hear constant whining (about every. single. thing) and ear-piercing screams (which, thanks to my new Apple watch, I now officially know are in the decibel range that causes hearing loss). Instead of wanting to savor every moment, I just want them to LEAVE ME ALONE.

It’s not supposed to be like this, my conscience laments, before switching on the guilt. You’re supposed to be grateful, I remind myself. They’re gonna grow up so fast, and you’re gonna regret it! So I resolve to focus on the positive and manufacture a feeling of appreciation. And maybe it helps for a few hours or days, but pretty soon, I’m right back to resentment. Not that I always feel that way—sometimes I feel neutral, and other times I do feel some warm fuzzies—but irritation colors my view too often for my liking.

Gratitude on steroids

Ever since I read One Thousand Gifts years and years ago, I’ve tried to implement a gratitude practice. I’ve made the lists and looked for the good, and it has helped a little (when I actually did it), but somehow it always felt skin deep. I’d mentally check off the things to be grateful for, but my heart would remain relatively unchanged.

Then, about a year ago, I came across the work of the “neurotheologian” Jim Wilder who explores the ways that neuroscience can enhance our understanding of spiritual formation and help us to better live like Christ. One of the big topics in his work is the concept of joy. Wilder defines joy as the feeling of being accepted and appreciated for who we are, the feeling of knowing that someone we love sees us and delights in our presence. Experiences of joy actually change our brains, research shows, attaching us to the other people involved and training our brains to seek and create more joyful moments in the future.

So here’s how this connects. One of the things Wilder recommends is a daily joy practice, and this practice has changed my life. It’s like gratitude on steroids.

You start by naming around three memories when you experienced joy—that sense of mutual appreciation and admiration. The memories should be relational in nature, but if you struggle to find those, you can include moments of joy with a beloved pet, and of course, God counts as a person.

Once you’ve identified some joyful moments, spend a few minutes writing down the sensory details of that experience, especially the way you felt in your body: warm, relaxed, soft, strong, calm, energized, and so on. Give each memory a name if you want. Then, simply take 30-60 seconds to relive each memory. Close your eyes and recreate the moment in your mind, allowing yourself to feel the joy of that moment again. When you’re ready, move to the next one. That’s it.

It sounds simple, and I’ll admit I was skeptical at first, but I was amazed at how much happier I felt within the first few days of starting the daily joy practice. I was nursing my youngest daughter at the time, and I used habit-stacking to get myself going, speaking my joyful memories aloud while she nursed. Soon, she began asking for “joyfa moomries” if I forgot or didn’t begin right away. We’ve since shared the technique with our older daughters and helped them to name and describe their own joyful memories that they can turn to when they feel down or scared.

Hope for the gratitude-challenged

This is the first time I’ve stuck with a gratitude practice. Why? Because this one really affects my heart. It changes my physiology and my brain, and the results are tangible. I know lists can work wonders for some people, but if you’re gratitude-challenged like me, I highly recommend this method for taking thankfulness beyond the surface and delivering it where it really counts.

Now, when I notice myself slipping into resentment and frustration, I turn to my joyful memories. Usually, I realize I haven’t been doing them recently. When I do practice joy consistently, and especially when I include memories with my children, I experience my girls differently. They still whine and make messes and scream like they’re dying when I ask them to brush their teeth, but those things no longer drown out the cuteness and innocence and earnestness of their little faces and hearts. I look for the joy in each moment we have, and by looking, something almost magical occurs: I find it.

Meet Mara Eller

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

Creating Ripples

If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.