I cannot tell you how many times I have said the words “I am so thankful for . . .” or “I’m so grateful that . . .” This is not a signal of my own virtue. I said these words so often that they had lost all meaning—that is, if the words ever meant anything to begin with.

I am sure that I had genuine gratitude at times, but for the longest time I had an unconscious “name and claim it” approach to gratitude. If I said it enough, it would be true, people would believe it, and God would believe it. I thought these words would protect me from bitterness, and maybe even struggle altogether.

I was born into hardship and trauma that has never really left me. My family legacy is one that I would rather forget. In reality, ignoring our legacy and struggles do not make them go away. Either we deal with them, or they deal with us. I learned this lesson the hard way.

While I was growing up, things may have looked fine, good even, from the outside, but the inside of my home was full of turmoil and darkness. That darkness followed me like a cloud wherever I went. One thing I knew: struggle was not allowed. Hardship and suffering would not be taken seriously because someone, somewhere had it worse than me. So, I was to be grateful—thankful that I am not like that person over there.

The “Good Christian Girl”

The messages from the church and Christian community I was a part of only reinforced these thoughts and ideas. I wanted to be the good girl, the good Christian, and not betray my family. So I learned the persona I was to present and the language I was to use.

I was so fearful of being bitter, that I used the language of gratitude as a crutch. Constantly saying that I was grateful became a way for me to avoid dealing with and confronting hard things. Using the language of gratitude and thankfulness allowed me to bypass a pursuit of holiness, wholeness, and authenticity. For a time.

Couldn’t Keep Living in Denial

Although I had not concept of living out my faith in authenticity, the Lord was still faithful to do his work in me. But eventually my world came crashing down around me, and I was forced to deal with life, my brokenness, and my profound woundedness. I believe that this was the kindness of the Lord.

He does not want us to live a life that is disconnected from reality. He desires for us to walk with him into wholeness. It is then that we can truly be grateful for his work on our behalf, His work in us and among us—even in the midst of trials and suffering.

I remember the day vividly when it all changed for me. I had put on a movie for my three young kids so I would not be interrupted. I needed to make a phone call that I had been dreading. I knew if I dialed that number and had that conversation, I would no longer be able to live in denial and hide behind my “grateful and sweet” attitude.

A dear friend had connected me with a trauma therapist. I made the phone call in trepidation. After answering a series of questions, I was faced with the stark reality that I had been living most of my life in denial. Things were going to have to change.

What happened next is a story for another time. The very important lesson I learned, though, is that we cannot pretend our way to thankfulness (or any godly character trait). Cultivating a grateful heart only happens when we are honest about our reality, our struggles, and our wounds. We bring them to the Lord, we work them out in safe relationships and community, and with professionals if needed. Bypassing our pain never does us any good, and it isn’t a good solution long-term.

A Taste of God’s Goodness

That phone call was the beginning of a journey. As I have walked a path of healing, I have seen the kindness and faithfulness of the Lord. He has not left me to myself, and is working in me the good work that he said he would be faithful to do (Phil. 1:6).

Now, when I say things like “I am so grateful . . .”, it isn’t empty words, but a true reflection of my heart and reality. King David wrote in the Psalms, “I certainly believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13). I have gotten a taste of that goodness, and for that I am grateful.

Meet April Noska

Where to find her . . .

• Website
• Substack

Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

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If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.