7 Secrets That Will Curb Your Perfectionism

You carefully set a few colored pens next to a box of blank cards and take a deep breath. You’ve sat here before, in the same spot, looking at the same stack of not-written cards. Everything is right except the words. Even in your head they just won’t line up the way you want them to. A thank you must be said perfectly, and the permanence of pen deters you from pressing the tip to paper.

Or maybe your stack is getting smaller but none have made it to the mailbox. You’ve tossed cards in the trash because you misspelled words or didn’t like your handwriting or didn’t say exactly what you intended.

Just want to say I get it. I struggle with perfectionism too. And there’s something about writing thank yous to actual people that makes you feel inadequate and also exposed.

I’m sorry, and not sorry, that the gratitude challenge this year is social media silent. If you’re participating in the challenge, we’ve been sending our thanks directly to our unsung heros—and that looks like texts, emails, voice or video messages, and handwritten thanks. Maybe another kind of challenge is easier. It makes us feel good to share a light-hearted or beautiful moment online.

But the deep work happens when it’s not easy. When we face our scars and insecurities and get honest with God. And I want that for you.

Real Talk About Perfectionism

So today, fellow perfectionist, let’s talk about you. That lie running through your head telling you it’s got to be better. The pressure you feel to get it right, down to crossed t’s and dotted i’s. The shame that flushes your face when someone presses on your lack. The way you want to hide your work the moment you notice a flaw.

You don’t want another voice telling you to chill, so I promise that won’t be me. We waste a lot of time trying to better ourselves with resolutions and willpower. But the truth is, you can’t turn off your inner critic by badgering yourself with threats. You’ve tried it, as have I, and it doesn’t work.

So what can we do when perfectionism tries to rule our lives? Here’s a list of seven things I’m learning to do.

1. Make It Easier

If you get stuck in your head when you think of all the steps that must be executed perfectly, simplify. Make the immediate step as fail-proof as possible.

The start line is where I get stuck because I make that first thing bigger and more important than it needs to be. If you freeze too when you’re trying something new, take a deep breath, then start small and slow. Although baby steps might feel elementary, I’ve discovered that they’re the best way to get me going.

2. Pause Before You Delete

My daughter gets it honestly, but I’ve written enough to be wary of the delete button. She’s in middle school, and I’ve watched her second-guess what she wrote and hit delete before I can say anything. So we talk about it afterward, how you can push that paragraph down and write above it because you might need something in what you’ve already written. It’s better to write more and delete at the end.

We can apply the same advice to other areas of our lives—like not tossing out a thank you card because one letter looks funny or our gratitude feels insufficient.

3. Look for Beauty in Imperfection

This one takes practice, and it will push you against your grain. But you’ll find more here that makes your heart sing than you’ve ever imagined, if only you’ll start looking. A gratitude list is a great way to name the hard-to-see gifts. When your perfectionism tries to cripple you, look back at your thanks list to remind you that there’s grace and gift tucked into many imperfect things—and people.

There’s grace and gift tucked into many imperfect things—and people.

4. Name The Win

Sometimes the win gets buried beneath the shoulds and can’ts. We tell ourselves the goal is to do it better or faster. Spin more plates seamlessly. Curb our humanness. However, if the win you name closes you off to God and other people, it’s probably not the one to pursue. Your win might look like showing up with store-bought cookies. Walking into ballet more relaxed and with less hairspray. Mailing that thank you card.

5. Ask God About You

If you take just one of these tips, this is the one I hope you try. No one sees you, knows you, likes you the way God does. Ask Him what He sees when He looks at you, then listen. Write down what you hear.

No one sees you, knows you, likes you the way God does_Twyla Franz quote for The Uncommon Normal

6. Open Up on Purpose

Perfectionism can make us rigid. We want to control our impression and the quality of our work. Avoid embarrassment at all costs. Be ever efficient and self-sufficient. So let’s push against our grain on purpose. Open up about what’s really going on inside. Laugh at yourself. See how it frees you.

7. Celebrate the Growth

Finally, we want to acknowledge the ways we’re growing, even when we’re not there yet. What worries don’t seem quite as big now? What are we beginning to believe is true because of what God says of us? Recognize the progress, and invite others to celebrate with you too.

Here’s a verse to remember when you’re stuck:

Leave all your prayers and anxieties at the feet of the Lord, and measureless grace will strengthen you.
Psalm 55:22 TPT

Jesus, you don’t fixate on the things we could have done better. Your gaze rests on us. Imperfect us in need of your grace. When we beat ourselves up, You invite us to see ourselves the way You see us. Wholly, relentlessly adored. Chosen. Commissioned.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

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