5 Secrets for Seeing the People You Often Miss

I was a keep-to-myself neighbor for most of my life. A scarcely-seen neighbor. A door-locked-unless-I-expected-guests neighbor.

But I was also a lonely neighbor.

I thought it was normal to drive across town every time you wanted to meet up with a friend. To close the garage door as soon as you pull inside and gaze at the ground when you walk to the mailbox. To nod a cordial hello if you see a neighbor but not step inside their house, not hoist their kid onto your knee as they stir something on the stove, not leak tears in living rooms and share meals in front yards and welcome your house to fill with neighbor kids.

A New Normal

You don’t know what you’re missing until you experience the opposite. 

Laughter up and down the street. 

Lives lived in plain sight.

Labels left behind.

Our community life is not perfect, but it’s full of honesty and apology and intentionality. The sort of things that mold your character and deepen friendships fast.

Around here the street is shared. It’s multi-purpose: space for basketballs and bikes, walkers and talkers. Which means we all learn to pay attention to each other.

This level of attentiveness–of seeing people–reminds me of a verse I read the other day, in John chapter 1. There’s a preposition I haven’t caught before–one that shifts the meaning.

When Simon (soon to be renamed Peter) first meets Jesus, “Jesus looked into him” (John 1:42, The Voice, emphasis mine). You’d expect to find the word at here, signifying the direction of Jesus’ attention. Yet His gaze doesn’t just rest on Peter, He peers deep within him. 

And what does Jesus say?

Your name is Simon, and your father is called John. But from this day forward you will be known as Peter, the rock.

-v. 42, The Voice

Jesus pinpoints Peter’s identity, his calling, his character as it will be shaped to reflect Christ. And He calls Peter up into it by speaking truth only God could know.

Talk about feeling deeply seen!

Soul Ache to Be Seen

I can imagine the way Peter’s soul ache exhaled in that moment. He was seen—not with criticism or misunderstanding, but with compassion and belief. 

Maybe, like us, he craved to be known, yet held back in hesitation. He was well-versed in his reputation: impetuous, with an arrogant streak, and a current of fear beneath.

To be seen is to be exposed. There’s inherent risk in close scrutiny. 

Perhaps Jesus peered into Peter’s heart for several silent minutes. I wonder how long it felt to Peter. Wonder what he read in Jesus eyes before He spoke.

We get the rush of hopeful anticipation and sheer dread. Within our own souls is an insistent ache to be seen.

We cautiously embrace vulnerability, and when we’re met with rejection or silence, that wound that we’re not worth seeing feels fresh all over again.

And yet, to be not seen confirms our suspicion that we are invisible. 

Jesus cuts through all that when He looks into Peter. As was His habit, “Jesus saw through to the heart of humankind” (John 2:24, The Voice).

Undeterred by our sinking self-assessment, our histories and triggers and lifetime struggles, Jesus sees us. Not as we see ourselves, but as He always sees us.

No matter who around us misses or misunderstands us, we are undeniably and always seen by our Heavenly Father who can untangle our errant assumptions and unbeliefs and affirm truth.

5 Secrets for Making People Feel Seen

What if, like Christ, we too called others up into their truest, God-given identity, simply by seeing the people we often miss? 

Consider how it might change your neighborhood–and your own heart–to practice noticing the people around you.

Let’s talk a few practical ways we can follow Jesus’ lead in making our neighbors feel seen. 

1. Be visible yourself.

This can be time in your front yard, where you linger and pull a few weeds, bring your book or your work or some sidewalk chalk outside, or sit on your step and let the sun warm your face for a moment–or regular walks through the neighborhood. The more visible you are to your neighbors, the more opportunities there will be to make someone else feel seen.

2. Make eye contact.

When Jesus looked into Peter’s heart, I’d guess he was locking gaze with Peter. Little else tells us we matter more than the gift of undivided attention. Eye contact during conversation communicates in a powerful way that the person in front of you is worth listening to.

3. Embrace interruptions.

Schedule some time every week you can be interruptible. If possible, find something to do in your front yard during this time. It’s okay to start small, with ten or fifteen minutes. If you’re interrupted, lean into it with your eyes and ears open.

4. Keep a log of little things.

Tune in to the small details during conversation. You might learn a neighbor’s favorite color, candle scent, soda, or kind of candy. Surprise her sometime with a small gift that lets her know you were listening.

5. Break the ice with honesty.

I feel deeply seen when someone else admits her struggle because I suddenly don’t feel alone in the questions I’m asking, the surrender I’m walking out, the lies God’s replacing with truth. Maybe the same is true of the person standing in front of you. Take a deep breath, silently invite God to guide you, and go first.

Would you join me in this prayer?

Teach us, Lord, how to see beyond the surface, to see through to Who you are inside the people around us, to where You’re at work. May we keep our eyes, ears, and hearts open to the people right in front of us. May we nurture what You’re already doing and affirm what You see in our neighbors.

Just a friend over here in your corner,

P.S. Prefer the audio? Subscribe to The Uncommon Normal podcast for the same weekly content!