How to Neighbor Well as an Enneagram 3: Enneaneighboring Summer Series

You might be an Enneagram 3 if

You are self-motivated.
You love feeling productive.
You are competitive.
You want to know others approve of you.
You are a savvy networker.
You pay a lot of attention to results.
You are an enthusiastic cheer-leader.
You worry about what others say behind your back.
You adapt easily to meet others’ needs and expectations.
You are a natural performer and a dynamic storyteller.
You are image-conscious.
You struggle with self-doubt.
You set goals.
You tend to talk too fast.

Hold up. The Enneagram?! You might be a big fan. Or more than a little skeptical. So let’s clear the air. The Enneagram is not solely Christian, nor is it strictly secular. It’s simply a tool—one that I’ve found to have great potential for cultivating spiritual growth, strengthening communication, and growing deeper relationships. It fosters the kind of curiosity that expands our understanding of the beautiful people all around us, and greater understanding leads to empathy, camaraderie, community.

I wish Enneagram insights were woven into pre-marital counseling, parenting books, Communications courses, and conversations around friendship, conflict, community, and faith. Far from a personality typing that encourages you to stay the way you are, the Enneagram is often used to grow you in what comes naturally to you, help you avoid the ruts that tend to trap you, step into others’ shoes, and always move towards a healthier version of yourself (spiritually, emotionally, physically).

If you still have questions, I invite you to check out Tyler Zach’s free eBook, “Should Christians Use the Enneagram?” Tyler is a pastor, author, Enneagram coach, former campus minister with over 15 years of ministry experience, and founder of The Gospel for Enneagram.

Now, back to you, my Enneagram three friend. Today we’re talking about you. We’re talking about your magnetic personality and undeniable charm. We’re talking about how you can get things done faster than the rest of us. We’re talking about your effortless ability to read the room and adjust as needed.

We’re also talking about the way you’re on 10 all the time, but the real truth is that you feel small inside. We’re talking about the insecurity that you’d do about anything to not let show.

We’re talking about why we need you, how we can better love you, and ways you can use your strengths to neighbor well.

Somedays you feel empty and unknown even when you’re in a room full of people. Somedays you worry you’ll never measure up. Somedays you worry no one would like you if they really knew you.

This is what I really want you to hear today: God sees every one of your imperfections, sees through every mask you’ve ever worn, sees the tender, vulnerable places deep inside—and He still loves you. Truth is, He really, really likes you too. He’s thrilled when you slow down and give Him your full attention. He simply wants to spend time with you because He thinks the world of you.

There will be times people reject you—but He welcomes you always. There will be things you fail hard at—but you are no less valuable. There will be people who outsmart, out-work, and get ahead of you—but that’s not the race you’re running anyways. Run to Him; He’s the treasure worth pursuing.

not the race you're running anyways quote

10 Things to love about Enneagram 3s

She inspires you.
She is fun to be around.
She values efficiency.
She is an initiator.
She is aware of what you’re feeling.
She loves to connect you with other people.
She is confident, competent, and sociable.
She is willing to adapt.
She is optimistic.
She lives life to the full.

10 Ways to love your neighbors well as an Enneagram 3

Slow down so you can notice who’s right in front of you.
Let others know the unpolished parts of your life too.
Give grace to those who move slower than you.
Practice listening well. It shows others you value them.
Celebrate others’ successes. They don’t undermine your own.
Initiate community-building activities in your neighborhood.
Encourage others with your innate optimism.
Show up for someone who can’t return the favor.
Be mindful of how often you talk about yourself.
Remember that competition can sabotage relationships.

10 Ways to better love your Enneagram 3 neighbor

Tell her how much you appreciate her. Affirmation is like coffee for her.
Notice (out loud) how hard she is working.
Be truthful with her, but say it gently.
Affirm her great qualities.
Encourage her to just be herself.
Invite her to something that will help her slow down and disengage from her work.
Be genuine and trustworthy. It will help her open up.
Be clear about what you need from her relationally.
Vision-cast with her. A defined mission statement for the neighborhood will give her a shared goal to pursue.
Give her space to do her best work when she’s hyper-focused.

Back to you, my Enneagram three friend. I’d like to leave you with a few reflection questions to foster that deeper conversation between you and God. You’re right where He wants to be when you’re right next to Him. Let your busy hands rest and your busy mind slow, and linger here for as long as you need.

God doesn’t need you to impress Him. He doesn’t need you to stay on top of it all. He wants you to trust Him. To open up and let Him in. Because it’s in Him where you find out who you really are so you can live from the overflow of what God says is true of you.

Reflection questions for Enneagram 3s

How much attention are you giving to looking good on the outside?
Who are you seeking validation from?
Where are you being inauthentic?
Who is glorified by your goals?
Where can you focus less on tasks and more on the people right in front of you?

Just a friend over here in your corner,

P.S. This series will dig deeper into a piece I wrote previously for Relevant Magazine. Check out the article here:

Enneaneighboring: Forming Community in My Neighborhood Out of Different Types of Normal – RELEVANT
Ann Voskamp said it in her book The Way of Abundance, and the words sink deep: “We will never reflect the image of Christ to the world unless we first see the image of God in everyone.”

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If you long for deep, meaningful relationships, this is for you!

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