This is How Gratitude Can Change Your Spouse
Gratitude in marriage can be hard to come by when you feel most everything your spouse does goes against the very grain of all you want from them. I know!
For many years, all I could see were the things my wife didn’t do, the expectations she didn’t meet, the person she wasn’t–instead of seeing the person God had created her to be.
I was very ungrateful–both to my wife, and for my wife. Ungrateful to God for this very mismatched woman he had brought me. Of course I didn’t know it at the time. I just thought, “LORD, what in the world were you thinking? I’m pretty sure this is not the person you meant for me.”
In the same way, all Rebecca saw were the things I did she previously vowed to never let happen again. When we had met, Rebecca was ending an unhealthy and controlling long-term relationship. Everything I did that even hinted at her previous boyfriend found a solid wall of dissatisfaction and disappointment, a wall that I was only helping to fortify instead of tear down.
A little background on my spouse and I
I should step back for just a moment for a little background. After having known Rebecca for about a year we started working more closely together. I had been struggling with what I believed about God–or even if I believed in God–and if so, why? Rebecca and I began discussing these questions among others. She grew up in the church, had answers I was looking for, and could show them to me in the Bible.
We were married only a few weeks later, having never dated. To say that we didn’t really know each other would be an understatement!
It didn’t take long to realize my spouse wasn’t the person I had imagined her to be and that we were both in a marriage neither of us had hoped for. However, Rebecca and I were believers in Jesus, the miracle worker, and we needed a miracle. We just thought the miracle was going to be the other person changing.
We both had expectations that were never going to be met. And we both realized that we were either going to spend the rest of our lives miserable, or we were going to have to make some changes. For us, that did not mean divorce, even though it would have been easy to chalk this marriage up to a mistake.
But as much as we were questioning our decision to get married, and questioning if God was really the one responsible for bringing us together, we knew Jesus wanted us each to do our part in making our marriage better. We trusted he would get us through.
How the change began
It didn’t happen immediately, but over the years we learned that to love well, to love like Jesus, we were going to have to stop focusing on the things we were not getting and instead start giving God glory for the things that were going right. We needed to focus on the blessings rather than unmet expectations.
The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me . . . “
Psalm 50:23a ESV
When we focus on what we want, we tend to overlook the things we have. And when our mate does live up to expectations, it often goes unacknowledged because after all, “they’re just fulfilling their end of the bargain.” When gratefulness isn’t expressed, or even recognized within ourselves, ungratefulness becomes the norm, and begins festering like a boil from within.
In fact, I believe if we are not being intentionally grateful, we will become accidentally ungrateful. That’s why I believe we are told over and over again in God’s word to focus on gratitude, thankfulness . . . the positive.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8 ESV
When we focus on gratitude, it’s easier to keep our problems in perspective. I’m not saying we want to ignore our issues or overlook them. There are real problems in marriage that need to be addressed.
What I am saying is that many times things I see as problems are because I focus solely on “my needs” instead of focusing on selfless, unconditional love.
To combat natural tendencies of wanting things our way, we must learn to cultivate gratitude, and it’s not an easy journey. Cultivating gratitude requires us to be intentional about recognizing, acknowledging, and then verbalizing our gratitude not only to our spouse, but also to God for our spouse. When we do, it can mean the difference between our spouse feeling loved, instead of taken advantage of. It may not happen in a day or a week or a month, but gratitude will begin to grow and this growing gratitude will then fuel in us the ability to see more things to be thankful for.
Today (June 27th) is our 24th Anniversary. I would love to say that we have it all figured out, but we don’t. We still argue, and still want things our way, but we have come to realize that gratitude is a key ingredient in almost every recipe that leads to a successful marriage–and truly, most any relationship, whether friend, family or neighbor.
Meet Robert Prince
Robert Prince is a follower trying to point others to God. He’s a coffee lover, writer, artist, podcaster and pastor. His hope is to help you recognize the divine in yourself as well as others. You can connect with him on Instagram at @robertprince and find him on the web at RecognizingTheDivine.com. You can find Robert & Rebecca’s origin story in Episode 4 of their podcast, Coffee Time Conversations.
Where to find him . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
Creating Ripples
If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.
