How to Grow Gratitude in an Ungrateful Heart
My heart was ungrateful. Perhaps you can relate.
There I was for the fourth time today, wiping poo off the back of my toddler’s leg and just praying she wouldn’t smear her nasty hands all over the wall or down the back of my sweater.
Lord, Thank you for the ‘gift of interaction’?!?
Oh, HOW!?!?
I did not feel very grateful for this interaction—not for the million before it nor the inevitable million still to come. The words seared like a hot knife as I attempted to mean them. I’d tried before but they only made me angrier, feeling more like poisonous sarcasm than practicing “good advice.”
But something happened this time. Something softened in me. A tiny light finally broke through the darkness I had enveloped myself in. I had wanted to be anywhere but there, but now I paused my angry, self-righteous wiping. My daughter’s tense and nervous frame began to relax against my leg as I held her. There in that low and humble moment—there in that moment that I hated beyond all other moments of the eternal, soul-sucking days of being needed beyond my capacity—there I saw her again.
I needed help.
Almost seven years ago I confessed to someone I greatly respect how desperately I was struggling to be patient, a struggle that I believed was the root cause of my struggle with anger. In a moment of true inspiration of the Holy Spirit, I was given this advice: “Every time you experience this, turn it into a little prayer and say: ‘Lord, thank you for this opportunity to practice patience.’”
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t shake it, but I couldn’t seem to ever say it either. It took me three years to even try for the first time. Even then I only managed it when the stakes were low, like during rush hour traffic or in line at the grocery store, but I finally managed to mean it.
The practice began to grow with me, turning all the hardest moments into, “Thank you Lord for this opportunity to practice . . . (anything I was working on at the time).” It came to be such a common practice in my home that we even put it on the living room wall: “Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity.” However, as these things do, over time the novelty wore off and I became complacent again, thinking that I had somehow achieved “mastery” of this phrase and it had accomplished its miracle in my life.
Over the last year, the mundane again began to reign and the endless chaotic monotony of motherhood engulfed me again. Resentment grew unidentified and unchecked as I began to believe that my children were stealing and/or preventing all my “opportunities.” Anger and irritability were again becoming the theme of my days and I didn’t know what was wrong. After all, wasn’t I still “practicing gratitude”?
More wise counsel.
Desperate, I opened up again for help. This time the advice was different: “Thank you Lord, for the gift of interaction.” WHAT!?!? Isn’t interaction my problem? If I didn’t have to deal with these people all the time, everything would be so much better! If only I had a break, a moment to breathe, write, process, think, pray, “take care of myself,” then I would be able to cope. Interaction isn’t a gift anyway, it’s the duty after you receive the gift . . . right?!
I left angry, frightened, doubtful, and confused. Why didn’t this person prescribe me a day off or the impossible 1-hour “break per day” like my doctor did?
I wasn’t sure I was going to try it.
But, then again, what did I have to lose? It was already practically written on my wall. Plus, it’s not like I had any better options.
Gratitude is changing my ungrateful heart.
Sometimes I have to thank God for the beauty of not having a choice. Never in a million years would I have tried thanking God for the moments when I feel the LEAST grateful. But it is changing me. Slowly but surely, gratitude is beginning to transform my heart, one interaction at a time.
Friend, if you too are struggling today, I’ll leave you with one final thought I’ve been holding onto: Love is a crucible, and I am meant to be forged in that crucible. I don’t need more “self-care,” I need more LOVE—and gratitude is the heat.
Meet Carolyn Pereira
Carolyn Pereira, is a recovering academic, perfectionist, and neat freak still learning to appreciate motherhood. Contemplatives at heart, she and her husband just transplanted their family of 8 from bustling Boise, ID to a tiny town in rural Vermont to pursue a simpler, more intentional life. You can find her at www.particularlycalled.com or on Instagram @particularly_called where she writes to help those starting out, starting over, or burning out, discover the courage, confidence and clarity they need to live their most fulfilling life.
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
My vision for this gratitude series is to help others embrace a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only their own life, but the lives of their neighbors as well.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
Creating Ripples
If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.
