How to Release Offense and Walk in Gratitude
Holding onto offense
I sit in the early morning light with my Bible and a cup of coffee. Discontentment is building within as I feel overlooked and unseen by my husband. Honestly, I’m offended by him. He’s a pastor and he says I come first, but I don’t feel like his priority. The church is all he thinks about. What man doesn’t obsess about their job?
He gives his all, and that makes him a great leader, but sometimes I wonder where that leaves me. I know he loves me. For heaven’s sake, he’d give his life for me. But in my heart, deep within, I’m offended by his behavior. Instead of talking about it with him, I let the bitterness grow, taking deep roots.
Learning to practice gratitude
Eight years ago, the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp comes into my life at just the right time. I have known God intimately for years, but our relationship feels lackluster. It’s not God’s fault, it is me. I sense this low-level discontent growing in my heart. I’ve become critical and fault finding, lacking grace and peace, especially in my marriage.
Perhaps it’s the strain of ministry or the busyness of raising five kids. Our schedule is filled with church activities and shuttling kids to and from their events. Our church assignment is challenging as it needs restoration and a complete culture shift. There are conflicts with people and power plays, and he needs great wisdom to navigate the revitalization.
Honestly, ministry life is stressful. My husband and I love each other; we’re happily married, but I sense this grayness over our relationship. I’m sure he’s not even aware of it, but it weighs heavy on my heart.
I take Ann’s advice and begin listing the gifts. Ann calls the things we’re thankful for “gifts” She says it’s in giving thanks we find joy. She says, “Joy precedes the miracle.” She asks us to notice the beauty in our lives: in nature, in people, in our homes, in our families, in the Word of God.
We have to slow and pay attention to notice the gifts. These are the things we notice and are thankful for. It’s in listing the gifts that we see God and isn’t that what we want most? We want to experience Him each day. We want to know He’s real.
Naming the gifts in my husband
So I set aside the disdain and open my eyes to see the gifts in my husband. It isn’t hard to do. The gifts pour out easily as I write about his character, his mind, his sense of humor, fatherhood, how he cares for me, provides for our family, showers me with compliments. I write about his strong hands, his quick wit, and his fabulous bicyclists’ legs.
Taking pen to paper is an act of surrender and an opening of my heart.
Naming my role in the offense
I take it a step farther and write down all my shortcomings, sins, and faults. This list comes together quickly. You see pride often blinds us to our own flaws, but it was necessary for me to see my role in the offense.
I had taken up the offense. I had embraced it instead of letting love win. I am now heartbroken over my lack and fueled by a love for my husband’s qualities. I spend the next weeks praying over these lists, unbeknownst to my husband.
Gratitude and offense cannot coexist
Little by little I am changed. The bitterness is released, the offense is forgotten, and I gain a heavenly perspective. My husband’s behavior wasn’t the problem. It was me. My attitude was wrong.
Instead of having the courage to talk to my husband, I had built a wall. Listing the gifts helped the wall between us crumble.
God continually calls us to Himself, and writing a gratitude list each day is the simplest way for us to remember He’s near. He’s here, right in the middle of our everyday, ordinary lives.
Gratitude and offense cannot coexist, and this might be the most beautiful gift of all.
Meet Pamela Henkelman
Pamela is an enthusiastic encourager with a passion to speak, write, and coach. She believes all of life flows from our intimacy with God. She helps weary Christian women build a deep bond with God and understand His love.
Pamela’s favorite way to connect with her readers is through her monthly Be[Loved] Notes newsletter and her weekly blogs. If you’d like to receive some love in your inbox, hop on over to her website pamelahenkelman.com and sign up for the good stuff. She also has a free 5-Day devotional: Five Encouragements to Increase Your Intimacy With God.
Pamela lives in the midwest and is married to her Pastor. They have five adult children and two grandsons and celebrated 33 years of marriage in October.
Where to find her . . .
Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.
If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.
Creating Ripples
If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.
