Shared Meals Cultivate Community

On Friday nights, the smells wafting from the food-lined island are irresistible. Each time the door opens and more faces smile hello, new layers are added to the aroma of dinner. Doing life with our neighbors is a mix of planned-ahead and organic, and a weekly constant for us is gathering as a neighborhood-focused missional community on Friday nights. Whether your meals with neighbors are large or small, circled in red on the calendar or spur-of-the-moment, I hope a peek into how we do shared meals will bolster your courage to share a meal around your table too.

First, I will take you inside our home on a Friday night, and then I’ll give you a few practical tips I have picked up along the way. Are you ready to step inside my front door?

A typical Friday night at meal time

You may not know if you are the earliest to arrive until you are inside because many coming will walk. Unless it is your first time here, you already know you can simply come on in through the open door. Likely I will catch you on your way from the front door to the kitchen to greet you and lessen what you are carrying in.

Frequently kids outnumber adults, and many of the kids are third-grade and under. If the house was anywhere near quiet when you arrived, it will soon fill with greetings, excited kid chatter, and ample laughter. Adults mingle around the island in the kitchen, and the kids create games, moving from room to room, main level to basement, and inside and out if the weather is nice.

We have the kids gather round with us as we pray for the meal, then the ladies and kids get to dig in first. We set a meal theme, and everyone brings something to contribute, so the food is always ample and full of variety. Tonight is appetizer night. As you peruse the table you will see two kinds of meatballs, a cheeseball and crackers, hummus and chips, a veggie platter, rotisserie chicken, a charcuterie board, brownies, and a 7up cake. On another counter is a beverage dispenser filled with ice water, a couple pitchers of iced tea, and some juice boxes.

The kids are welcome to sit at any table, but many of them gravitate towards the living room. We find it works well to set up a few fold-out kid tables and turn a show on quietly so they can talk and play while they eat. During the summer some of the older kids carry their plates to the front yard and eat outside. If we run out of spaces around the tables for adults, it’s not a big deal. Sometimes on nights our gathering is small, we just congregate around the kitchen table, some on stools and some standing, and forget to utilize the larger table in the dining room.

Meal themes

We communicate the meal theme for the week and any needed details about the study we are doing via a private Facebook group we created for missional community. The verbiage looks something like this:

For the meal theme, let’s go with Mexican. Please bring a main dish or side dish to share.

To RSVP, please comment below with 1) how many adults/kids are coming from your family, and 2) what you plan to bring.

I prefer to choose general themes rather than having a list of specific things that are part of the meal so it doesn’t matter if something isn’t signed-up for or plans change unexpectedly. Our most popular meal themes are Mexican, Italian, Appetizers, Costco Favorites, Pizza, Breakfast Foods, and Soup/Salad. We have thrown in some fun ones too like Comfort Food, Something that Starts with the First Letter of Your Last Name, and Childhood Favorites (this one warrants the telling of the story behind the dish).

Food tips for shared meals

I hope these tips save you the headache of discovering them on your own. As I am still new-ish to this rhythm of sharing meals in our home, there is so much I am still learning. If you have tips or ideas that have worked well for you, I would love to hear from you!

1—Know the host/hostess

The Enneagram is pretty popular right now, but chances are if you don’t know your Enneagram number, you know your top love languages or Myers Briggs assessment, or at least whether you are introverted or extroverted. Regardless of the language we use to express it, we know that we have personality nuances, preferences, beliefs, and behaviors that comprise who we are. We are simply not exactly like the people around us, and we know it.

In order to host well, I advocate for an awareness of how you are wired so you can use your strengths and be better equipped to side-step your negative tendencies. There is not one perfect type of host, nor a personality type that we must assume in order to connect in meaningful ways with our neighbors over shared meals.

Earlier I shared that I prefer to set a meal theme and leave the exact items open-ended. You might feel more comfortable with more structure or feel a set meal theme too restrictive. There is no one right way to share meals with neighbors inside your home because people are involved, and that means no two groups of people will be exactly alike. Don’t be afraid to experiment until you find a rhythm that feels natural to you.

2—Communicate expectations

Regardless of what your expectations are, it is helpful to communicate them to those you have invited. Here are some questions your neighbors may have if you don’t voice them beforehand:

What should I bring?

Are my kids welcome?

What time are we eating?

Are drinks provided or is it BYOB?

Is alchohol OK?

Do I need to RSVP in advance?

Can I invite more neighbors to come too?

Clarifying your expectations will help dispel fears. It may be hard for your guests to feel at home if there are a lot of unknowns.

Another reason why this communication is key is because if you try to do everything yourself all the time, you will actually inhibit movement towards family-like community. At dinner-time, do your kids help set the table, fill drinks, or load the dishwasher post-meal? Working together as a team helps solidify that you are a team and each member is important and valued.

The same happens in the context of sharing meals with neighbors in your home. If you dismiss every offer to step in and help, it will take longer to bridge into deeper, authentic, transparent friendships with your neighbors. Delegating responsibilities beforehand and accepting help when it is offered may be harder work than handling it all yourself, but you need people and that is why you are filling your home with people.

3—People matter, so focus on them

I certainly have room to grow in planning further in advance. Sometimes I wish I was that person that had meals planned out far in advance, a fridge and pantry that never neared empty, and a freezer full of prepped food easy to warm and serve whenever we have extra guests. But the truth is that it is not me. Sometimes I offer the last of the chips from the bag scrunched on the pantry shelf when my kids and their neighbor friends are scouting out a snack.

Perhaps your tendency is to over-prepare, and your work is to let go of your desire to have everything perfect or homemade before you can be present. Or perhaps you can relate more to my growth need being to plan better in advance. Regardless of where you fall, I encourage you to think about how much or little you personally need to prepare ahead of time so you can be relaxed and better focus on the people who have come through your door.

Sharing meals cultivates community

As we talk about sharing meals with neighbors, the ins and outs of the how are important, but perhaps today the larger question for you is why. So as we conclude, I would like to step back and look through a larger lens at why we share meals with neighbors. In her latest book, Loving My Actual Neighbor: 7 Practices to Treasure the People Right in Front of You, Alexandra Kuykendall writes,

 Over and over we see stories in the Bible about people connecting over shared meals. The same is true today of cultures around the world. Have a neighbor or neighbors over for dinner, sit down together, and ask questions and learn. It is a timeless, and increasingly rare, way to connect.

(157)

Sally Clarkson offers another nugget to ponder: “Discipleship can be thought about as a conversation about the things of Jesus over a lifetime,” wisdom (69). Conversation shared at the dinner table is sweet spot for discipleship.

I’ll leave you with one final quote. “They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, the way to a friend’s heart is through your ears,” deduces Kristen Shell, known for the movement towards community she sparked through putting a turquoise table in her front yard (100). When we share meals with neighbors, multiple needs are being met. We are physically nourishing our bodies, yes, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

We connect with neighbors over food because it’s a really good way to get to know the people who live near us better. Eating together is a way to not just share food and conversation, but to do life together, and discipleship is most effective in this space. Meals shared with neighbors invite greater proximity, vulnerability, and humility—in essence they grow us in looking and living more Christ-like amongst our neighbors.

A prayer

Father, You see within. Our thoughts, questions, and internal struggles are not hidden from You.

You are a safe place and a good listener.

May we dump the fears and reservations and invite with open hearts Your peace instead.

As we invite, and prepare, and learn to do life alongside our neighbors through shared meals, You too are by our side. Give us the eyes to see and the ears to hear You.

Amen.

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