Say My Name

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It was a hot, muggy day. I could feel it in the sticky mess my make-up had become. I probably stunk, at least a little bit. And if I had to guess, the humidity had probably turned hair into a limp, frizzy mess. We had been here for hours already, in this lovely little pocket where childhood dreams are actualized, in the Kentucky Children’s Garden. There is a natural stream children cool off in, mud and dirt and sand, and all sorts of things growing in garden beds and old-fashioned and make-believe. It’s a haven of sorts, and a local summer-time favorite.

I was standing near the entrance, a double iron-wrought gate with its doors wide open, waiting for my daughters to finish in the nearby ladies’ room. Another mom, her toddler in tow, walked past me, then paused. I wonder if the momentary hesitation felt for her like an eternity as she mustered the courage she needed to turn around and face me, quickly spilling forth words on her mind—life-giving words she had no obligation to share with me, but somehow couldn’t stuff down the compulsion to do so. “I just wanted to let you know you have so much natural beauty, and your hair looks so perfect.” She turned to go, without waiting for the thank you I offered as she hurried on down the path.

Her bravery that day touched me deeply. It was an affirmation that I am ok simply because I am me—I can just be another sweaty mom creating memories with my kids, but that is enough to still let our imperfect joy inside seep through and create beauty.

We all long to be seen—to feel noticed, loved, valued, appreciated—for someone to tell us we are not invisible. The woman who stopped to complement me at the Children’s Garden touched me so deeply because she acknowledged that she had noticed me at a particular moment when I did not at all feel worth it.

My husband has a photographic memory. If a server at a restaurant is wearing a name tag he will take note of it, and say the person’s name as he talks to them. I’ve seen tense expressions soften instantaneously when he does this. He makes people feel like they matter.

Saying someone’s name pays dividends in reaching their heart. I admit, though, that I feel unqualified to be writing this post because remembering names does not come easily for me. In fact, I sometimes draw a blank at an inopportune time when I am trying to recall the name of a good friend I’ve known for years. Usually the friend is standing right in front of me, like when I am introducing to two of my friends to each other. Yes, it’s awkward. But, while I have a long way to go in mastering the art of name remembering, I am encouraging you and me both to keep growing in this arena because I think it’s so important to keep making the effort, even when we execute our intentions imperfectly.

Speaking a neighbor’s name, it may go without saying, increases your ability to connect with them. Have you ever dug in the fridge for an item, only to discover it was right in front of you and you simply couldn’t see it? It can be far too easy to overlook the things—or the people—right in front of us. Being intentional about learning and remembering your neighbor’s name is a powerful way to communicate that you notice them and want to do life with them.

So where can those of us challenged in the name-remembering department begin? Here are three practical tips you can employ to increase your ability to remember, and therefore say, your neighbors’ names.

1 – Take Notes

When you connect with a neighbor you don’t know well yet or have met for the first time, write down which house is theirs, their names, and a few key things you remember from the conversation—hobbies, what they do for work, how old their kids or grand-kids are, or what kind of dog they have. If your neighbor has offered you a glimpse into something they are worried about, looking forward to, or in the thick of right now, jot that down too. These are the things that you could ask them about next time you cross paths. If you are a visual person, you might find it helpful to sketch a rough map of the houses near you and fill in your neighbors’ names as you learn them.

2 – Invite a neighbor over for dinner

Simply wanting to get to know your neighbor better will suffice as a reason to invite them to join you for dinner. Offer them your best hospitality, but also don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Are there things that drive you crazy about your house? They likely have something they wish they could change about their house as well, and this can create common ground between you. Also, if you are worried about what they will think about you or your house or your cooking, try to relax. They are likely a little apprehensive about the dinner as well, and will feel more at home right off the bat if you relax and just be real. The better you get to know your neighbor, the easier it will be to remember their name, and conversing over dinner provides you just that pathway to get to know each other better.

3 – Repeat your neighbor’s name in conversation when you meet them

I sought my husband’s advice on this one, and indeed, he truly follows his own suggestion. The longer period of time that passes between when your neighbor tells you their name and you repeat it, the harder it will be to recall their name when you need it. If you say it a few times throughout your conversation, though, you will have an easier time remembering, at least long enough to get it written down, as we discussed earlier. You don’t have to be a parrot about it, but when you can use their name and it feels authentic, go for it. It could sound something like this:

“Hi, I’m Twyla, and this is Jojo. Is it OK if he says hi to your dog? Then while Jojo, who is 2, is petting the dog, “I don’t think we’ve met yet. What’s your name?”

“Oh, I’m LuAnn, and this is Bailey. Bailey looks like a puppy, but he’s really pretty old, and he just loves kids.”

“LuAnn. What a beautiful name! Bailey sure is a gentle dog. Thank you for letting Jojo say hi. We don’t have a dog, but he loves them.”

It is so easy to feel unseen even when we are surrounded by people—people at work, at church, in our neighborhoods. Ann Voskamp encapsulates that feeling in The Way of Abundance:

It can be terrifying to feel the singular loneliness of feeling deeply unknown. You can stand in crowded, loud rooms of tinkling glasses, flowing with raucous laughter and smooth lines, and you can wonder when that feeling will end—or wonder if you have always lived with a low-grade loneliness. The poverty that’s most easily forgotten but most deeply felt is the poverty of friendship (101).

If you have ever stood at your mailbox or looked out through a window at your neighborhood lying before you and pinpointed that lack, that persistent ache for deep friendship and community—chances are you are not the only individual in your neighborhood who is hoping that there can be a more fulfilling way to live this life we find ourselves in. Perhaps speaking another neighbor’s name will feel like an outstretched hand you can simultaneously grasp, light trickling through the loneliness.

Dear Father, You have found us right where we are, right in this very moment. We are never not seen by You. We are never not know by You. Would You help us to break through the loneliness, the unseen-ness of the people You have placed in our lives as neighbors. Please help us as we endeavor to better remember, and more often, speak our neighbors’ names. Amen.

Voskap, Ann. The Way of Abundance: A 60-Day Journey Into a Deeply Meaningful Life. Zondervan, 2018.

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